Saturday, February 20, 2010

Don't Let Them Say

I have found so much comfort in poems & quotes over the past 9 1/2 months. They speak the words that sometimes I cannot. They say the things I have had a hard time articulating. The poem at the end of this post is so very true.

I believe that people find it "easier" to dismiss the death of a stillborn baby. They seem to think that because that child never breathed our air that they never really existed. Janessa did not have to take a breath of our air for her loss to be considered a death. She was very much alive. She was very much loved. She was a part of our family & now she is missed beyond measure.

I think the death of a baby is very hard for people to acknowledge because of how sad it is. No one wants to speak of things that make them feel uncomfortable. They don't want to accept that these things do anyone. The problem with that mindset is the families who experience such a tragic loss & unbearable pain are exposed to even more pain by the way society treats the death of their child.

Some losses are often dismissed and diminished to words like "There must of been something wrong with the baby." Janessa was perfect in every way. A plaenta abruption stole her from
us for reasons they can only guess at. But even if there was something wrong with our daughter our love for her would not have changed.

"God must of needed an another angel". That is another one I have heard a million times. As a parent it is hard to believe anyone needed my child more than we did. I want her here with us not anywhere else. It is unnatural for a newborn to be taken from a mother's arms never to return.

"God doesn't make mistakes." This doesn't make us feel better. It is hard to understand why our child died. I do not beleive God willed this to happen & wanted us to experience such pain.

"You can have another one." I have heard this more than I could count. Another baby will never replace our daughter nor take any of the pain away. Things will not suddenly become ok when & IF we have another child. For some women getting pregnant is not easy. Some couples lost the baby they had been trying to have for many years. Some women like myself will have a high risk pregnancy next time with absolutely no guarantees of a healthy baby to take home. This one bothers me the most. It dimishes the existence of my daughter & what she means to us.

"Good thing they didn't get to 'know' their child".  I would give anything to have my daughter here with me for even just a minute. Our loss is not less painful because she didn't open her eyes. We held her in our arms, we kissed her lips. She was real. We had hopes, dreams & a whole life planned out for her & us as a family. All we wanted to do was to get to know her.

I am sure there are plenty more but these have been the ones that I have heard personally.

I know that most people mean well & are not maliciously saying these things to hurt us or any grieiving family. They are trying to give what little comfort they think those words will bring. That is the point of this post. I want nothing more than to bring a little more awareneness to the reality of the pain we feel. Maybe I can spare someone that sting from hearing those things told to them.

Baby Angel

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
This world was worthy, not, of me,
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your hearts not ache.

There'll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...

~Author Unknown


Akul's mama said...

Malory this poem is so beautiful and yes your baby is and will always be your baby. Our children are perfect and will always be...they are loved and will always be ....hugssss

Jill said...

Beautiful poem! I have heard many of those things as well and every time I hear them it stings a little. xx

With Out My Punkin said...

I wish people would think before they talk. Beautiful poem! ((hugs))

Kelli with Love said...

It's hard to believe people really say stuff like that. I've found that when you don't know what to say...a simple "I'm so sorry," works nicely. I hate that you have to go through this at all. I'm sure you've probably seen this little poem/quote before, but it's one of my favorites.

An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth...and whispered as she closed the book, 'Too Beautiful for Earth.'

Emily said...

I want to steal that poem for my blog. How precious!

It's so refreshing to hear you defending those people "passing out the platitudes". I feel exactly the same way - they don't KNOW what to say to us, so they're doing the best they can. It's up to us to educate them. I always tell people to just close their mouths and open their arms. :)

Heather said...

This poem is so perfect. I love it!

Anonymous said...

This poem says so much *huge hugs*

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