Friday, September 24, 2010

An Ordinary Day

Today I woke up and got JJ ready and off to school.

I did housework and prepared dinner.

I picked up my grandparents.

I stopped at the bank.

We ate lunch.

I brought them to the grocery store.

We picked up JJ from school.

I dropped my grandparents off at their home.

I brought JJ to his doctor appointment.

We stopped at the pharmacy for his medication.

We went to YMCA to sign him up for flag football.

We visited Janessa’s grave.

I visited my daughter at the cemetery.

JJ stood above his little sister’s grave.

Maybe if I type it & say it enough it will feel completely real.

This is my life.

1 year 4 months 1 week & three days later there are days I still cannot believe this is my life.

This should not be any parent’s reality.

But it is. It is mine. And I don’t want it to be.
This is an ordinary day of a parent who has buried their child.
I don't know if it will ever feel ordinary to me.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

First 20 in Pics

Compared to my previous two pregnancies this one feels like it is flying by!

Even though the stress level & the worry this time around is on a level hard to put into words, I have still found a way to enjoy this pregnancy.

I have to admit though when I am dealing with complications such as the spotting I had & the intense contractions I experienced several times or when my blood pressure is running high, I was & am unable to find any joy in the pregnancy. I was scared out of my mind with the spotting & contractions & the blood pressure issues panic me. Each time something comes up I have to work very hard at keeping my stress level in check.

I worried so much about being so scared & uptight about being pregnant again. I never thought I could enjoy any moment of it. I was wrong. Maybe it is because I know how precious each moment is. I know how each little kick of foot is such a miracle. I also know that at any minute it could be taken away from us. Scary reality to live in but its the true reality of pregnancy. Each day is a roller coaster ride of emotions & worries.

His kicks are getting stronger and he is moving into new areas of my belly. Some days he is a wiggle worm from morning til night & others I have to poke at him just to make sure he is ok. Sometimes he kicks me right back "like hey!?" On my birthday a couple weeks ago he moved all day long for the first time. I like to think it was his birthday gift to me. A day full of reassurance he was ok in there.

JJ tried to listen to my belly a few days ago to see if he could hear him. It was a cute moment standing at the deli counter at the market, lol.

I have managed to make sure to take a belly picture atleast every four weeks. I am now almost 24 weeks but I am only going to include the first half up to 20 weeks in pictures in the post.

Hoping for another 17-20 weeks (well now 13-16 weeks) of a healthy pregancy!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Scare and an Update

During my few weeks of silence here we had quite a scare. In fact I didn’t tell hardly anyone about it in “real life” either. I had basically shut down emotionally regarding my grief & the new pregnancy and sort of just went on about my days as if everything was ok.

A few weeks back when I was 19 weeks, I was sitting at the computer and I had a sudden feeling of leaking fluid. It passed what I thought was any where near a normal limit for being pregnant so I called the doctor’s office. I could tell by the nurses reaction that I would be going in. She said she would call me right back after she spoke with the doctor. I got ready & called my husband. When she called back she said the doctor wanted me to go to Labor and Delivery Triage to be checked for PROM (Pre rupture of membranes).

I stayed somewhat calm because I thought if my water had truly broken it would have been a larger amount & more steady. What I was truly worried about is that I may be leaking amniotic fluid.

We arrived & were registered and admitted. This little guy did give me some peace of mind by moving every so often to let me know he was alright.

Eerily as we walked into the room that I was assigned there were sounds of a jack hammer. Anyone who visited us in the hospital after Janessa passed would remember the obnoxious & unbelievably loud jack hammering that was going on directly under my room. It was horrible. I ended up getting a migraine that lasted for a couple days from it. Hearing that noise in another hospital room while in the middle of a pregnancy scare was unsettling to say the least.

They did some tests to see if I was indeed leaking any fluid, they checked for infection & did an ultrasound to check the fluid around the baby. Everything was good. My blood pressure was running a bit high at 140/80s which seems to be the reading I get while at the docs. I was discharged and given warning signs of pre term labor.

I had an appointment about a week later on Tuesday 8/31. There we discussed the progesterone shots once again & came to the conclusion that my history does not really make me a candidate. I told her I would be willing to have them if there was no harm but she wasn’t convinced I would benefit from them. My blood pressure was about 140 again so she decided to double my dose of blood pressure meds. This is something I knew was coming. I have hit the 20 week mark (22 wks 3 days today) so I am now at risk for pre eclampsia. I am glad she increased my dosage & I would have requested the increase had she not done so first.

I had a follow up blood pressure check with the nurse the next week (last Wed 9/8.) to see where I was at. I made the mistake of running late, getting myself all worried & driving on the highway myself to the appointment. I went in & the reading was around 128/92 the first time. I normally do not have a problem with the bottom number, the diastolic reading. She went on with the visit and took it one more time before letting me leave. The bottom number had dropped to if I remember correctly 86. Not terribly great but not extremely high. She asked if I was already on bed rest. I told her no…she told me not yet. She then went on to tell me what symptoms to call in for which were signs of pre e…headache, change in vision & swelling. The nurse at L&D triage had asked if I had a plan in place for bed rest as well. We now do & are preparing for that possibility.

The only relief I get is that whenever I take my blood pressure at the stores or on my home cup the reading is always low & normal. I will continue to self monitor as I believe I must be active in my own care.

I have been suffering from increasing anxiety & nightmares now that this spot in the pregnancy has arrived. I have dreams of every scenario mixed with subtle flashbacks of what happened with Janessa. I am trying hard to work through it but know that there is no cure for these way to make them stop…this is my reality.

On a brighter note my husband felt the baby kick about a week ago. He kicked him right on the hand! His face was priceless.
Tomorrow I have another visit with the doctor & the following week starts the regular ultrasounds we will be getting due to my hypertensive disorder. Looking forward to getting another peek at this little kick boxer…maybe seeing his face again will help us find a name!

Friday, September 10, 2010


I have been quiet here. I’ve been shifting through the many layers of emotions & waves of grief and happiness that have consumed me. I have also been keeping myself extremely busy which I guess may be my escape from the heaviness.

I have slowly let go of the last string of the life I had envisioned in my head. The vision that began when we found out we were expecting Janessa. I feel redundant saying it yet again…saying how much we had planned out for our new family.

I had to let her go…not completely just physically…and with that went all those dreams and plans.

I cannot stress enough how having another child does not heal any of the pain from Janessa’s death. I knew going into another pregnancy not to expect some sudden healing. I had very real expectations of what laid ahead on the road of pregnancy after loss. I braced myself hard and carefully.

If I was to be honest and I have been here since the beginning, I would have to tell you that I held onto a piece of what could’ve been. I held onto a hope that we would be blessed again with a little girl. Not a girl to replace Janessa. Not a girl to magically make us better. I didn’t want to fill our void with another girl…I just wished for a second chance at having a daughter. I think what I wished for was a chance to witness something similar to what was stolen from us. To know what it was like to raise a little girl and experience all that comes with that. It’s hard to prepare for such a life changing event and then in minutes have it ripped away from you.

I guess I yearned for the chance to meet Janessa’s sister and maybe get a glimpse of her. Silly since I wouldn’t know whether or not that was happening. This is all so hard for me to put into words…

Janessa looked so much like JJ. The first few months after her passing I would stare at JJ while he slept, I sometimes still do. The similarities can at moments take my breath away. It is like receiving a glimpse of her again.

I read many blogs where there is little emphasis on the rainbow baby’s gender. I wonder if I am the only one struggling with these feelings of guilt for the yearning. I think what a horrible person some might think I am. I try not to let myself go there. These are my feelings and I own them. I have tried to own each one as they have come along. I beleive that is why I can get out of bed each morning.

I have taken these past couple weeks to soak in our new reality. I will not lie and say it has been easy but I will say that I have come to a peace. I find myself in daydreams of what having another baby will be like…and from habit sometimes it’s a little girl. I am still in adjustment mode. I honestly had no idea it would be such a process. But what has brought me peace is the excitement that has slowly crept in. Very cautiously crept in. I find myself picturing JJ with the little brother he always wanted and I can feel it… the hope, the joy, the anticipation. It’s familiar and yet completely different.

Tomorrow marks 22 weeks pregnant. There are days where I want to plan away and feel at peace a little. Then there are the days where I wonder if this baby will make it home.

I searched for nursery themes one day about a month ago & a few days ago attempted to shop at Babies R Us...which I can only describe as a fail. I may not be there yet but I am working my way to that spot. Currently I am focused on finding a name for him which has proven to be quite a task. I am looking forward to reaching the plain where I can start preparing for this little one’s arrival. This little boy who makes his presence so very known each day by beating me up from the inside. I am more in tune with this pregnancy than my other two. I spend time each day lying down feeling his movements. I know his favorite times of the day, where to best find his heart beat, which position to lay in that seems to be his favorite for him to do his flips. I have probably already spoken to this little one more than I had spoken to JJ or Janessa while carrying them. I have certainly poked this little guy more to get him to move when he is giving me a little scare. Poor kid lol.

In summary I have fallen in love…again.

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