Friday, February 12, 2010

Ain't No Sunshine When Shes Gone

Ever since we lost Janessa back in May everything has seemed so gray. So dull. So empty.

I have always been drawn to nature. I prefer nature scenes in art over every other genre. I love being outside. I love the smell of fresh cut grass, the smell of the first few spring days, flowers, the ocean, wet autumn leaves, bbq smells in the summer, the smoke from a summer evenings fire pit. Those smells gave me a sense of “home” filled with memories of childhood past.

Nothing is as it was. Its just there. Colors are still not as bright. Smells are not as sweet.

I wonder if the “coldness” I feel will ever wear off completely. I miss the joy I always found in the small things in life. Now I struggle to find joy in each thing I do. I sometimes find it but it never fills me like it once did. I wonder if it ever will again.

I miss this sweet innocent blissfully naive joy:

I used to feel a great sense of peace when viewing a scenic view either in person or image. A sense of wonder & calmness in my soul.

I remember in the first months after losing Janessa…when my appetite had finally returned how food did not have any taste. I ate just to eat because I knew I had to.

The summer flew by without any appreciation of the weather. We drove to the beach a few times (or was it once?) & I felt…nothing.

I remember asking someone each day what the temp was like. Not that I didn’t have the windows open or I didn’t leave my house…just that I couldn’t feel it. I was so numb. Emotionally & physically. I never once complained about the heat..I never noticed it.

Autumn has always been my favorite time of the year. I even had an autumn themed wedding. This year I never noticed the changing leaves or any of the signature smells of autumn.

Winter has been very depressing. I love New England. I am a New England girl at heart. I hate the cold. Its getting old…

I struggle to appreciate the glisten of freshly fallen snow. A scene that would normally turn me back into an elementary student waking up on a snow day.

I force myself to take notice of these things. I do so because I see Janessa in them. She is in the beauty that surrounds me. I feel her around me at times.

I stop & try to appreciate it all because I want to still be able to see the beauty that is left in this world for me. I want to live now for the both of us. She will never get to pick up a flower & put it to her little nose & smell its fresh scent. I will do it for her. And in those moments her sweet little face will enter my mind & we will share a moment together in the only sense we can.

As long as I live I will look at this world for both of us.
As long as I live I will laugh with the birds,
I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars,
for both of us.


Emily said...

It's my prayer that someday we can all resume some new sort of normalcy. Maybe become strong enough to carry this heavy burden without as much effort. But I'm afraid you're right - we view the world through new glasses, and they have a tendency to blur images and remove their vibrancy.

I'm praying for you, Malory! Much love and hugs, sister. ((hugs))

AKD said...

What a beautiful, beautiful post - I'm so sorry. I don't think this pain ever goes away, everything is just... different. Thinking of you.

Jess said...

Those are all such beautiful pictures. I also greatly miss being naive. I never realized I was until we lost Joel. You have a beautiful way of thinking of sharing those moments & living for Janessa.

caitlin said...

Malory, Your blogs are very touching. I pray you can find a renewed sense of calm & peace when spring comes and the flowers bloom. My heart breaks for you and your family.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Malory, I am just speachless. This post was so very touching and I think that I need to follow your example and live for my babies and make memories for and with them in my heart. You are such a strong woman! *HUGS*

Catherine W said...

Oh Malory. You look so beautiful and happy in the photograph. I'm wish I could give you back some of that innocence.

I'm glad you feel Janessa with you. It is wonderful that you can appreciate the beauty of this world both for your daughter and for yourself xo

Franchesca Cox said...

Hoping you find the peace your heart misses. I can relate to so many things here as I am sure many of us can. Thinking of you. xx

Akul's mama said...

I understand what you are saying. It is so very hard. Hugsssssss.

Anonymous said...

Malory, you have a beautiful way of expressing the sadness we all feel. Such beautiful pictures.

I don't think any of us will ever feel naive in pregnancy ever again, but how I miss those feelings.

Mary said...

If I don't have to work, I stay home unless I HAVE to go somewhere. The world is passing me by. I hope one day we can breakaway from that.

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