Monday, January 11, 2010

Lips of Truth Part 2

Sunday morning our son is sitting at the island counter in our kitchen making creepy crawlers. My husband & I are lying in bed watching a movie. The distance between us & JJ is about 15 feet & I have a straight view of him. He then calls out to me…

“Mom, Do you know what I just thought to myself? If Janessa was here with us we would be a happy family.”

A moment passes.

“Mom?” He asks.

“Yes baby I heard you.” I reply.

I don’t find myself at a loss for words very often & even when I do I am pretty good at improvising for the required moment. This time however I was struck with a sinking feeling in my chest & stomach & an overwhelming rush of emotions & racing thoughts.

Does he does not think we are a happy family?... We are happy aren’t we? ...We used to be so happy... I thought we were doing a pretty good at “being” happy... I know he knows were sad but does he really know how very sad?...Is he going to grow up & think happiness left the day Janessa did?...I’m failing..I’m a failure...I failed Janessa & now I am failing JJ...Why can’t I respond?...Why can’t I speak?...What do I say?

This is one of "those" moments & I am frozen. Frozen with sadness, shock, pain...& failure.

It takes me 10 minutes but I clean the tears from my face & pull myself together & go into the kitchen to help him with his toy.
“JJ, do you not think we are happy?” I ask.

“We are a happy family. If Janessa was here we would be a happy happy family. Two happys for two kids. I just wish Janessa was here with us in our house. She could be watching me make these with us.” He replies.

“Yes JJ, that would be very nice. Please know baby that we are very happy. You make Daddy & I very happy.” I tell him.

A few moments later in his bedroom…

I continue…“I know that Daddy & I seem sad & that’s because we too miss Janessa. Just know that things will get better, I promise. It is just going to take a little time.”

“Ok Mom.” He says.

“And please know that Daddy & I are very happy that we have our little family. Janessa will always be a part of our family. She will be heaven watching us for our lives. We have a part of us now in heaven.” I tell him.

“I wonder what heaven looks like Mom.” He asks.

“Beautiful baby…just beautiful.”

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Lips of Truth

Yesterday morning after my son had just finished his YMCA basketball game we hung around for a few moments while the kids shot some baskets. A friend of mine works there & she asked how I was doing. She knew I was having a tough time the previous day. She is all too familiar with the road of grief as she lost her son when he was 19 in May of 1999. We chatted a bit about the holidays and how hard they are & how tough last year was on so many people each of us knew. She then asked me if JJ could tell when I was having a hard time. I told her "No for the most part but I'm sure he does get an idea some days when I just don't have it in me to play or be silly."

My son has always been ahead of his age when it comes to emotions & perception of what is going on around him. He notices most details that we as adults would overlook.

She had to return to work & we were heading out for a late breakfast with my Mom.

After we were finished eating we were sitting at the restaurant talking. My son then asked me this:

JJ: "Mom, Do angels have magic powers?"

Me: Pause...."I believe they have heavenly powers."

JJ: "What are heavenly powers?"

Me: "Very much like magic powers I suppose."

JJ: "Then I wonder if Janessa can make you all better."

Me: A silent stare at my baby boy who just wants his "mommy" back. A moment of choking back some tears and clearing the lump in my throat. Then, "Yes sweety, that would be nice."

I guess I'm not hiding my pain as well as I thought I was. *sigh*

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Butterfly in the Sky

A few days before Christmas I made one of my regular trips to visit Janessa’s grave. It was after an appointment of mine so I was actually childless for the moment. I usually have my niece with me or my son & most of the time both when I visit her. I enjoy it when I have a few moments to go by myself.

A friend of mine had dropped off a lovely plant for her.

I cleaned her plot up a bit & took a few moments to spend with her. I talked to her & apologized like I do every single time I am there. I thought to myself at her grave how I have not seen or felt any signs lately & silently wished for one. The temp was bitterly cold so my visit was cut short.

While I was driving home my mind was going a mile a minute like every other time I am alone in the car. Something caught my eye & I looked up to the sky. It was colored in a beautiful shade of purple & pink.

Then I noticed it. A pretty butterfly in the clouds.

Thank you Janessa. I needed this sweet angel.

A butterfly is the #1 symbol used in the death of a child.

Butterfly: The soul, although quite rare, it is occasionally seen on graves (most often of children). It is symbolic of the resurrection of Christ. The meaning is derived from the three stages of the life of the butterfly; the caterpillar, the chrysalis, and the butterfly. The three stages are symbols of life, death and resurrection. Short-life.

In the 1600s, in Ireland, killing a white butterfly was prohibited since it was believed to be the soul of a dead child.

I took that picture over the street I grew up on. I only live a few streets away now and pass by daily. That fact is somewhat amazing to me. Growing up I would lay in the grass with some of the girls I grew up there with & stare into the sky for hours. We would watch the clouds roll by & say what we thought each cloud looked like. Those childhood memories I hold so dear to my heart. Those were amazing times for me…a true childhood.

If only I could go back to those innocent times. To be able to breathe so freely again & feel so blissfully happy. To be able to stare up into the sky & only see the beauty in it. To feel the sense of joy in my soul that it once brought me. Now I look up & wonder where my baby girl is and what she is doing and feel the sting of pain.

"A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam. For a brief moment it's glory and beauty belong to our world. Then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed we are so thankful to have seen it at all"

Read about previous signs Janessa has sent me here: Precious Signs

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Janessa's Ornament Dedication

Our dear friend Felicia organized a cyber event on facebook in memory of Janessa this holiday season. Friends & Family were asked to dedicate an ornament on their tree to our baby girl, take a pic & upload it to the event on FB. We were taken back by the response & each one we recieved made that day a little bit easier to bare.

I created a video from the event. Here it is.


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