Saturday, December 19, 2009


I fear that when people see me smile they think I am all better.

I fear that each time I laugh I will always feel guilty.

I fear that each time I joke people think I am over the loss of Janessa.

I fear that people think that because Janessa never took a breath of our air that she never really existed.

I fear that because she never took a breath people think her death is easier to deal with than an older child.

I fear that some people think I should be over her death by now.

I fear that some people think I am over it too much already.

I fear that some people think that if they lost their child that they would not be able to continue living as I have.

I fear that some people think that I should keep my grief to myself because it makes others uncomfortable & that my open grief is for attention.

I fear that people will forget Janessa.

I fear that if I become pregnant they will never mention her again.

I fear that if we have another child that people will think everything is better now.

I fear that I will forget special things about her.

I fear that I will always carry this heavy weight of sadness.

I fear that I will never fully enjoy something again because I feel her absence everywhere.

I fear that as each day passes she is slipping further away.

I fear this new life.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Lifted Spirits

As I have blogged before I had become scrooge this holiday season. I am still in that mindset but I am definitely not so far down as I was. This is due to some very caring people who have done some things to life my spirits.

A couple weeks ago a very sweet lady, Kim, who I graduated high school with, asked if she could drop something off for me. I had been in contact with her a lot since losing Janessa. She is one of the many people who shoot me an email or IM to check in with me. She recently became a mom to a beautiful little baby girl so I know she can only imagine being in my shoes. She came by my house one evening & brought me this:

How amazing is that? She used some of the photos I had posted to create the design & those are her little footprints. The design is Janessa’s nursery theme. I was so overwhelmed. I must of choked back tears a handful of times. I kept telling her I would try & not cry. We chatted for a bit & she left.

Here is where she had it made: Captured In Clay by Stacy Funk 1.804.564.5637

I have been blown away by the generosity & warm gestures from people. What amazes me more is that many of them are coming from acquaintances, old friends & even strangers. Kim & I were always friendly but in school we were not close. It takes someone with a huge heart to be so empathetic. The gift she brought for me is one of my favorite items I now have to hold Janessa’s memory. She was also the one who had made a donation to the Dempsey Burdick Memorial Foundation is memory of Janessa. I cannot thank her enough!

A family member, Lisa, awhile back had also brought me a silver necklace. It is a heart with a tear drop on one side & a poem on the other.

“If tears could build a stairway & memories a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven & bring you home again.”

I have always loved that. I tried to get a good pic of it but failed. I have it draped on the crystal cross in her curio case. Here is what I got:

Our sweet friend Felicia created a cyber event on face book for all our family & friends. She asked everyone to choose one ornament on their tree to dedicate in memory of Janessa. They are to take a pic & upload it to the event. At first I thought how wonderful it was that she was thinking of us & trying to do something to help us. I NEVER realized how much each dedicated ornament would lift my spirits. Each one makes me day a little better. She has about thirty something ornaments as of now. It is running through Christmas. Once the event is over I will be making a slideshow. I will post it here when complete.

My dear friend Julie went to see Janessa’s headstone & brought her a little Christmas tree. Isn't it cute?

My mom also brought Janessa a cute little Santa pick to decorate her grave for the holiday. I love it.

My grandmother called me to let me know she dropped off a snowman for her as well.

I cannot explain what it means to know people visit her & think of her. The little gifts left for her are so very nice.

I also went to decorate for Christmas. I decided on a wreath & chose the light green one. Green is her birthstone color. I love how it looks. I attached a Winnie the pooh holding a pink blankey. If she was going to be anything like me as a child (& JJ) she would’ve had a blankey.

I also brought her, her very own Christmas tree & stocking. I decorated the tree with Disney princesses. Every little girl loves to be a princess & I grew up in love with all the Disney movies. I looked forward to watching all the girly Disney movies with her. Jayden refuses to put on anything slightly girly, lol. I was ecstatic to be having a girl. I dreamed of the mommy daughter things we would do together. The princess movies were only one.

I think her plot looks very nice.

I hate that this is my life now. I hate that with every season & holiday I have to think of what to bring to the cemetery instead of what new items or wardrobe she would’ve needed. It kills me. I hate that I will carry this heavy sadness & emptiness with me for the rest of my life. Some days knowing that is just as overwhelming as the moment I wake up each morning & remember she is gone.

Thank you to all who have reached out to us. You have helped me make it through this month more than you could ever know.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

December Never Felt So Wrong

I was visiting Once A Mother's blog earlier & she had the most beautiful song playing. It is called Winter Song. It is by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson. It sums up alot of my feelings right now. Here is the video.

It reminded me of another song I wanted to post for everyone. It is also called Winter Song but it is by Sarah Mclachlan. It is beautiful.

I find alot of healing in music. It helps me express some of my emotions that I keep bottled at times.

Here is the other video:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Diamonds Falling Down

It still amazes me at how many different times a day a person can burst into tears. I seem to cry more than a handful of times each day. Not for long periods because its usually me trying to hide the tears from my niece who I watch everyday or my son when he is home from school. The pain is like a wall that I just bump into as I am doing daily routines.

Its simple things like eating my oatmeal on my couch this morning. I brought it in there because I could look at her picture & be near her things while I ate breakfast. It hit me how I should be feeding her oatmeal by now. I cry.

It doesn't always happen when I purposely go "be near her". I could be doing the laundry & bringing a load upstairs to put away & think to myself how their should be a baby gate at the top of the stairs that would be absolutely annoying to step over. I cry.

Picking up my son at school where I see moms struggling to pull their infants out of their carseats to go inside & get their older child. I hold on tight to my game face, I walk inside & get my son, smile, ask how his day was, get excited that he got to play his favorite game in gym, make sure he buckles up properly in his booster. I cry silently all the way home.

Putting up our Christmas tree & thinking how she could be possibly crawling and getting into everything. What her first ornament would've been, instead of the memorial one I purchased. The pictures that would of been taken. The one that was instead:

I sneak off and cry.

This list could go on & on...

Birthday parties with babies. Shopping with babies. Doctor appointments with babies.

Babies are everywhere. Mine is not.

At every corner of every day lays a reminder that Janessa is not here with us.

It hurts. I cry.

This song represents alot.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Check out my Etsy Shop!