Saturday, December 19, 2009

Fear

I fear that when people see me smile they think I am all better.

I fear that each time I laugh I will always feel guilty.

I fear that each time I joke people think I am over the loss of Janessa.

I fear that people think that because Janessa never took a breath of our air that she never really existed.

I fear that because she never took a breath people think her death is easier to deal with than an older child.


I fear that some people think I should be over her death by now.

I fear that some people think I am over it too much already.

I fear that some people think that if they lost their child that they would not be able to continue living as I have.

I fear that some people think that I should keep my grief to myself because it makes others uncomfortable & that my open grief is for attention.

I fear that people will forget Janessa.

I fear that if I become pregnant they will never mention her again.

I fear that if we have another child that people will think everything is better now.

I fear that I will forget special things about her.

I fear that I will always carry this heavy weight of sadness.

I fear that I will never fully enjoy something again because I feel her absence everywhere.

I fear that as each day passes she is slipping further away.

I fear this new life.


8 comments:

Bree said...

You are not alone. I have all of these fears, too.

I love the picture of you sitting next to Janessa's grave. It is really beautiful.

Elizabeth said...

I think all of us baby loss mammas have these fears. They are perfectly normal but don't let them control your life. Show your feelings the way you choose no matter what anyone thinks. It will tear you apart if you let the fears of what other people think control how you express yourself. Your angel is always with you and one day you WILL hold her in your arms again. *hugs*

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) thinking of you, I too have these fears

Sweet Tilly said...

Hi Malory,
like all the other ladies have said - you are not alone.. i too feel guilty espicially when i am genuinely having a good time.. i feel like i dont deserve to have a good time - if my baby isnt here to enjoy these good times with mee.. i hope it gets better for you and all the other baby loss mamas..
i have no idea how i am meant to survive this christmas.. i feel guilty knowing there are all these presents under the tree and not one of them will be for my girl.
*hugs* thinking of you and your beautiful Janessa
xx
Lana

Once A Mother said...

i can relate to so many of these fears. they are all so justified.

Holly said...

I can surely relate to many of these fears that you have written. You aren't alone in your fear.

Jessica said...

*hugs* I definately have these fears like all the other baby loss momma's. We are feeling those fears with you.

Heather said...

Oh Mal, I have so many of these exact same fears. Scratch that - every single one of them is a fear I know so well.

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