Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Diamonds Falling Down

It still amazes me at how many different times a day a person can burst into tears. I seem to cry more than a handful of times each day. Not for long periods because its usually me trying to hide the tears from my niece who I watch everyday or my son when he is home from school. The pain is like a wall that I just bump into as I am doing daily routines.

Its simple things like eating my oatmeal on my couch this morning. I brought it in there because I could look at her picture & be near her things while I ate breakfast. It hit me how I should be feeding her oatmeal by now. I cry.

It doesn't always happen when I purposely go "be near her". I could be doing the laundry & bringing a load upstairs to put away & think to myself how their should be a baby gate at the top of the stairs that would be absolutely annoying to step over. I cry.

Picking up my son at school where I see moms struggling to pull their infants out of their carseats to go inside & get their older child. I hold on tight to my game face, I walk inside & get my son, smile, ask how his day was, get excited that he got to play his favorite game in gym, make sure he buckles up properly in his booster. I cry silently all the way home.

Putting up our Christmas tree & thinking how she could be possibly crawling and getting into everything. What her first ornament would've been, instead of the memorial one I purchased. The pictures that would of been taken. The one that was instead:



I sneak off and cry.

This list could go on & on...

Birthday parties with babies. Shopping with babies. Doctor appointments with babies.

Babies are everywhere. Mine is not.

At every corner of every day lays a reminder that Janessa is not here with us.

It hurts. I cry.
____________________________________________

This song represents alot.




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13 comments:

Bree said...

Oh, Malory. What a wonderfully beautiful idea for your Christmas card. I just love it! I wish I would have thought of that. I'm so very sorry that things are not as they should be.

Jill said...

I cry at different times of the day as well. I also try to hide my tears, but sometimes it is just too hard. I know Janessa's picture does not replace her, but your Christmas photo with her picture is lovely. xo

Elizabeth said...

Everything makes me cry and it has been almost two years. It does get easier and the tears don't hurt as much.

That is a beautiful family picture. I will be doing something simular soon. *hugs*

Betty said...

Everything like that ,makes me cry. One I noticed the other day was, I was driving , and i glanced out the rear view mirror and then down at the seat and thought Shealyn should be back there. Rather then pulling over to change a diaper I pull over to bawl my eyes out.

Than family pic is beautiful...HUgs

Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) I love your picture. Praying for your comfort and strength.

Kelli with Love said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of Janessa. I wish she were there with you. Your Christmas photo is wonderful. What a sweet reminder.

Sweet Tilly said...

*hugs*

Jessica said...

I understand exactly how you are feeling. We were making similar comments as we were decorating our tree. *hugs*

Your family photo is beautiful and even more so that Janessa is in the photo with you.

Anonymous said...

it's not fair to compare my depression with your loss, but Lord knows how much I can relate. Frozen in pain, isolated from the world. and when you're able to break through the transe of depression it hurts...it still hurts...but you can see the sun, the moon, and the stars...something you haven't been able to see in so long...then you wait for the clouds to return...this world can be so unfair.

heathermohr said...

Oh Malory...it does hurt. So much. Too much. I'm just so sorry...
I love the photo, btw. I have been so worried about how we would ever have another family portrait, because it wouldn't be a real family portrait without Madelyn. I think I will use this idea...

Once A Mother said...

Oh Malory, I know what you mean. The tears and reminders are everywhere. Thinking of you. I think your family portrait is just beautiful.

Holly said...

The daily reminders hurt. You know your life should be so different. I love your family photo. It's the best you can do without her here and I actually plan on doing the same for us. It's a great idea.

Missing Kasey said...

I love your family photo. I am with you, any thing will set me off... ((hugs))

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