Monday, September 14, 2009

It's been four months...

My sweet baby girl,

I cannot believe four months have come and gone since I touched your soft skin. How perfect you felt in my arms that day. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

It is already fall. The summer is gone…..the summer we were suppose to take you home.

I have no idea how this much time has passed. I am stuck on that day. Maybe its because I do not want to let you go. No matter how much time passes I will never completely let you go. Or maybe its because this world of grief is consuming me. I feel as though each day I am drowning without you. Sometimes I physically feel that I cannot breathe.

I miss you more than I could ever put down in words. I am lost without you here. This new life without you is almost impossible to adjust to. It is unnatural for a mother to be without her baby. My mind knows you are gone but my heart searches for you every day.

I remember when your brother JJ was 4 months old. I try and picture you at that age. I cannot. All I see is you sound asleep wrapped up in that beautiful hand knitted blanket with your little white hat on. I regret not taking a picture of you without it on. I can still see your very dark brown hair exactly like your brother had when he was born. You had just as much as he did I can only imagine how much hair you would’ve had if you were born 9 weeks later.

I imagine what it would have been like to have you home with us. How much fun it would be to have a baby around again. How exciting it would be for JJ to be a big brother to you. I think how sleep deprived we still may be and how much I would give anything for that right now. I find myself sleeping as much as I can now. Maybe since the nightmares have finally eased up a bit, sleeping is my way of escaping the pain I feel. Yes, I know it is.

I am unsure how I have managed to make it this long without you. JJ reminds me why I keep going each day. I know that you would want me to keep pushing on, so I do.

I am your Mommy. I always will be. I would’ve loved to be a Mommy to you.

I think of you from the minute I wake up until the moment I drift off to sleep. I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. I will ALWAYS feel your absence. I will forever see an empty spot in each family picture that will be taken. I will feel a void at each holiday and family event. It has already happened. I will do my best to keep your memory alive and at the same time give your brother all of me that is left. For when you left you took a big piece of me with you.

Mommy loves you, forever.
So here is Janessa’s 4 month picture. Nothing like I imagined it be.

This is not suppose to be this way.

Today we sent her some more balloons. JJ had mentioned to his counselor that he wanted to send her the picture he & his Dad had made months ago. It has sat on her changing table this whole time.

I thought today would be the best day to do that. I wrote her a letter and so did my husband.

Here are our balloons.

I never imagined celebrating her 4 month “birthday” this way. I had so much planned out for us as a new family of four….

Today I mourn my daughter. I mourn the life she will never live. I mourn all my dreams for her, for us a family.

Today I mourn our old life and the old “me” and try to figure out who I am now with a part of me in heaven.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Beauty From Pain

I have been watching my niece during the day recently. Having a little girl around is bittersweet. There are moments during the nine hours that I have her that I look at her and I want to just sob. She looks so much like my husband it makes my mind wander to the "what-ifs". We know what Janessa looked like. She looked so much like JJ. But newborns change so much I wonder who she would’ve looked like more. Would she also had JJ’s blue/gray eyes? Would she have kept her very dark brown hair or would it of changed to light brown like JJ’s did? Would her hair of been straight like Mommy’s or beautiful curls like Daddy’s? Would she of had her daddy’s skin tone? And then that leads to a mountain of more “I wonders” …. Some days are pretty cruel. Our niece is definitely a bright little light to have around and although she may trigger some deep dark emotions, she brings me moments of laughter and smiles I so desperately need.

We officially started Janessa’s garden about 11 days ago. My mother’s best friend came by to help. She generously brought some plants from her garden to add to Janessa’s. It is coming along quite well. I am very excited to see it in the spring when all the bulbs we planted bloom. Most of the plants my Mom bought me should come back in the spring as well. I have received plants for the garden by several people and I appreciate that so very much. I plan to put a little dedication tag near each given plant to remember who it was given by. My neighbor has offered to make us a bench. The generosity we have been shown is amazing. For those who have messaged me about donating a plant, bush, statue or other garden item in memory of Janessa, thank you. xo

We are hoping to be finished for the season in the next week or so. Spring will bring a whole new opportunity for ideas in the garden. I will post better pictures when we are done.

JJ also got to help a few days after school and last Saturday and during the weekdays my niece has been able to get her hands dirty in there as well.

Ripping and digging into the earth, planting new life, and channeling my grief and energy into the garden has been very therapeutic and healing for me. I'm looking forward to sharing pictures with you all.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Birthday Gift

My 26th birthday is tomorrow. I am not in a celebrating mood by any means. This past week has been one of the hardest since the beginning but that is all besides the point of this post and for another day....

I was given an early birthday present from one of my closest friends a couple weeks ago. It was one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received.

My friend Amy wrote me a poem about Janessa for me. I conveyed to her how much I loved it but I don’t think she will ever know how much that poem means to me.

She is a mom. She has a son the same age as my son. I know she feels my pain. I know she tries to imagine what it would be like to lose a child. I know she is one of the few people who “get it” even though she has never herself lost a child. That alone means so much to me.

So Amy, thank you again and that thank you comes from the depth of my soul.

Here is the poem:

I’m so sorry for your loss, it was something so unimaginable,
I feel for you for what it costs, from the bottom of my soul.

I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes, not even for one day,
Because I don’t know what I would do if the Lord took mine away.

As a Mom or a Dad this is what we fear,
To have something taken away that we love so dear.

From the beginning of knowing whether it’s a boy or a girl,
We already have their futures planned to unravel and unfold.

To see them off to kindergarten with their lunchbox in their hands,
To wait for them to come home and see how their day has been.

To watch them go to high school and attend the senior prom,
To see them graduate with honors the proudest Dad and Mom.

Don’t think of Janessa as gone, but away for just a little while,
She’ll be welcoming you one day with her sweet angel smile.

All the pain your feeling now slowly God will mend.
Just know that if you need someone,
You’ll always have a friend.

“I’m Sorry My Friend”

(c) Amy Tucker 2009

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Shopping Trip

I have mentioned in previous posts how shopping has become very painful. It still is. I may hide it well but I HATE SHOPPING. I hate seeing all the little girly items I was once so excited for. I have a hard time seeing little girls shopping with their Moms. I have never been a "BIG" shopper anyways but now I go in and come out as fast as I can. I avoid it at all costs.

I am sure in time the dreaded feeling will subside or atleast I hope it does...

I found this poem that said it all quite well.

The Shopping Trip
Linda Vicory

As I persue the aisles,
of the local store,
I see things more differently,
than I ever have before.

"Daddy's Little Angel",
the embroidered bibs do read.
But, Daddy's angel is in Heaven,
and bibs she does not need.

She does not need a bottle,
a dress or a toy.
Of buying those things for her,
we shall never know the joy.

There are tiny jars of baby food,
that she will never eat
And shiny shoes with buckles,
that will never touch her feet.

As the bikes and trikes taunt me,
from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes,
if I dare look back.

I run off to the restroom,
to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard,
and let out a sigh.

I must go face the paper,
college and wide rule,
That my little angel,
will never use in school.

I hurry past the greeting cards,
that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded,
of the holidays we shall not share.

In the checkout line I bow my head,
and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me
has a newborn in their cart.

Shopping in the local store,
used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items,
which remind me of my pain.

So, quick as I can I give the cashier,
the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain,
in this foreignly happy universe.

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