Saturday, June 20, 2009

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping"

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For Gods sake Mom,
just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
,Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold. I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here,
Mom with all the lies you told!"

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

He Lost His Baby Too

Men Don't Cry

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave -

He lost his baby too.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Fake it 'til I Make it

Thank you to all who came yesterday to JJ's birthday party. We needed a distraction. We had decided very early on that we would still hold his party. He was looking forward to it and it didn't seem right to cancel it. He has been through a lot more than what I think any six year old should have to deal with. With Janessa's passing, we feel even more grateful to be able to celebrate our son's life on his birthday. We have been blessed with such an amazing little boy. He has really kept me going through all of this. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't get out of bed each morning. My husband has been so strong through his own pain and grief, and without him I could not function. To see him hurting like he is kills me. I hope he knows he doesn't need to be strong.

Yesterday, while we were setting up for the party, our neighbor came out to say hello. He asked how I was doing and I replied, "I am going through the motions." He said, "you can fake it 'til you make it." I realized right then that is what I have been doing. I am not okay. We are not okay.

There were moments at the party (and each day) where I didn't think I would make it through the day. Every smile felt forced and each laugh seemed to hurt. There is not much I will not do for my child so I pulled myself together to host this party for him. I am glad I did, but this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. He keeps telling us how much he loved his party and the other kids seem to have had fun. For that I am grateful. So again, thank you to those who came and helped.

For now I will continue to "fake it 'til I make it" when I need to for my son's sake. But I will not pretend that we are doing well. We are falling apart. There will be moments when I will have to be strong and fake my composure until I make it, but make it to what? That, I have no idea...I know the person I was before is forever gone...

We will have to rebuild ourselves, and our lives.

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