Thursday, October 28, 2010

October 18th

October 18th was my 2nd wedding anniversary. We have been together now for 12 years. My husband planned a nice evening for us and spoiled me just a little. Our anniversary to me will always be a tad bittersweet. Its a little known fact that Janessa was our wedding night baby. So each year on our anniversary marks the start of another year of anniversaries without her. I cannot separate the two. It was our love that brought her into existence and it will be our love that keeps her memory alive.

Before we headed off on our evening we had a growth scan and a separate doctor visit. I was excited we were able to get a glimpse of our little boy on our special day. That was the first time he actually stayed still! He usually flips & rolls around so much its hard for them to get any measurements. I was glad he cooperated but since he was so comfy we weren't able to get any good shots of him. He was practically laying face down on my bladder and using it as his pillow! We poked & prodded him & he would squirm and kick back but he was NOT budging from his comfy little position. Basically the way I act when my husband tries to wake me from the couch. He must have my stubbornness.

Here he is face down relaxing:

Here is another shot of him grabbing his foot. He seems to like doing this!

That day based on my LMP I was 27 weeks 1 day. I must be eating well because he was measuring 28 weeks 6 days! His weight was measured at 2 lbs 11 oz. He is in the 77% for growth. Janessa who was born at 31.5 weeks was 2 lbs 14 oz which was considered a healthy weight at her stage. I think this little one may be a chunky monkey. His heart rate was 143 bpm. They recorded good fetal movement and tone. All measurements were normal.

We then headed over to the doctor appointment which was uneventful. I have gained more weight than I would have liked to see and am now at my heaviest ever. That day on my home scale, where I have been tracking my weight gain, I weighed what I did the day I delivered Janessa. Seeing that weight on my scale made me nervous. Weight has an enormous effect on blood pressure and knowing that was what I weighed when my blood pressure shot up with her made me very uneasy. I still have 10-12 weeks left of weight gain and I am worried as to how my body will handle it.

During my appointment a lady had come in to inquire if I would like to take part in a post partum depression study. I accepted. I filled out about 10 questions and she looked them over. I feel that I am at an increased risk for post partum depression. I can only imagine the rush of emotions I will experience after the birth of another baby...a live baby. It will bring immense joy but it will stir up feelings of our grief and loss and it scares me. Not one single question on that questionnaire referenced any type of prior pregnancy loss. She tallied up my score & I rated a 7. I would of needed to "score" a 10 in order to be considered at risk. Really? Now don't get me wrong I am not wishing this or wanting this but seriously? How accurate is that study going to be? In my opinion unless they address all aspects of post partum they are wasting their time, energy and money.

We left the hospital feeling pretty good about this little munchkin and my husband brought me out for dinner at the cheesecake factory. I had never been & he remembered I wanted to go so we took the drive out. He gave me his gift and wrote me something incredibly special. It was nice to have some alone time. We both shared dessert and I still think about how good that cheesecake was!

Happy two year wedding anniversary to my amazing husband. I would not have made it through the last 17 months without you by my side. I love you.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Say a Little Prayer

September 17th my younger cousin Jonathan married his beautiful fiance Jessica. We traveled the five hours to upstate New York to attend. It was a welcome getaway and I was very relieved that this pregnancy allowed me to travel. There were a few times in the months leading up to the wedding when my blood pressure was not cooperating and bed rest loomed in the near future. I was so excited we could attend.

I was very happy when he was able to stand up in our wedding two years ago. It meant so much to me.

I have enjoyed watching Jon grow up into the young man he has become. He is definitely a far stretch from the little boy who once chased me around the house with a sharp object or exchanged in an all out furniture battle. These happenings were for the most part all in good fun. I am positive they started with laughter but I'm not so sure they ended that way! His sister is my age and we would bribe and beg him not to rat us out on whatever mischief he happened to catch us doing as teenagers.

Jon has not had an easy life but he has not let anything hold him back. He has become a loving, caring, hard working man. I enjoy our visits which are too few and far between. JJ loves him and Jess so much.

Jon is amazing with kids and will make a great father someday...maybe sometime soon? :)

To see Jon & Jess is to witness true love firsthand. They are so in love and are not afraid to let it show. In fact they couldn't hide it if they tried. I find it refreshing and its not something you encounter all that often. I couldn't be more happy for them.

It was a gorgeous wedding and I am happy we could be there on their very special day.

They immediately left for their honeymoon week in Florida I believe the following day after the wedding. of course let us all follow their adventures and it was nice to see how they were enjoying themselves.

Unfortunately Jon had not been feeling too well and was having a hard time breathing. When they returned home Jess finally convinced him to go to the hospital. He was then transferred to a larger hospital. He was diagnosed with an enlarged and weakened heart and it was beating twice its normal rate. In medical terms, cardiomyopathy. I believe he spent almost a week in the hospital and underwent numerous tests. They are unclear as to the cause but believe it may be due to a viral infection he had sometime in the past. He was released on a heart monitor, medication and work restriction. In December he will be reevaluated. If it was due to a virus they are hoping to see improvement.

I am so sad that this has transpired. Sad their wedding/honeymoon ended on such a note. I've been there. Just married, happiest I have ever been, on top of the world. It then all crashed down on us with Janessa's death just months later. Life has a way of knocking you on your ass when you least expect it. Sometimes right at your most happiest moments.

Jon has always been a fighter and has overcome many obstacles in his life. I have faith this will be just another one.

We love you Jon. Rest up & get better soon!

I have been keeping him close in my thoughts and prayers. Will you do the same?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Baby Boy News

As I sit here typing this post, a couple days shy of 27 weeks pregnant, baby boy is kicking away. Today I realized that the perfectly timed kicks I have been feeling are probably hiccups! I cannot beleive it just occured to me!

Its been awhile since I have written. I have had lots to say but more to do. The Butterfly Footprint site has been keeping me quite busy. I also started selling avon which I never expected to be as time consuming as it is.  I think I subconciously arranged it that way. To keep my mind occupied & away from all the stress & consuming worries. It has worked to a point. I am busy but my mind goes there. To the what ifs & the stress. I also find it hard to sit at the computer for longer than fifteen minutes or so without my back hurting. This has dramatically hindered my blog reading & I miss it so! When I am here I usually try & get a few butterfly footprints done. I have completed about 75 in the 7 weeks it has been up & running.

I have had two doctor visits & an ultrasound since my last post. Both appointments went well. Blood pressure was in a normal range & last visit was 118/80. I'll take that! At home I get readings that vary from 90s/60s up to 122/70s. Those are great numbers for me. I am now taking 200mg labetalol twice a day. It seems to be doing its job. I looked over my medical records, again, for when I was pregnant with Janessa which was before all these blood pressure issues. The readings were all low/norm. Its so frustrating. Although I would like to take comfort in knowing my blood pressure is currently under control, I cannot. It was under control for Janessa as well. I try and stay as positive as I can that this time we will be bringing this baby home.

We also had an ultrasound on September 23rd. Due to my hypertensive disorder we will be having them every few weeks to make sure the growth stays on track. Our next doc visit and ultrasound is on Monday which happens to be our two year wedding anniversary. We have been together 12 years and it seems so weird to be back at "two year" anniversary. My husband has something up his sleeve and is out right now planning something for our anniversary. I would be content just getting a glimpse at our baby boy for our anniversary! Here are a few shots from last months ultrasound:

A shot of his face. He definitely looks like my husband & I am pretty sure he has his nose! This pic makes me laugh because he looks like a little old man! It almost looks like he is smirking doesn't it?

A shot of him grabbing his foot :)

He measured right on track and they told me he weighed 1 pound 7 ounces placing him in the 60th percentile. She remarked that he had long legs. She looked at his heart & brain for quite awhile and both look good. My husband did not see the white spot on his heart he had seen & they had found at the last scan. We will look again on Monday. What I didn't mention in the post where we got our test results was that even though we got the best results possible of having only a 1 in 10,000 chance of the baby having down syndrome, the white spot on the heart cuts those odds in half bringing our risk to 1 in 5,000. Those are still very low odds & no other risk factors have been identified.

A week or so ago JJ felt his baby brother kick for the first time. His reaction was unforgettable. His eyes opened so wide as he jumped back. He smiled & exclaimed that he had felt him. He tells everyone he kicked him right on the hand. He has since felt him twice more & usually tries to get a kick out of him before he goes to bed. He has even resorted to poking my belly & proudly tells people he already pokes his little brother. I regret not having JJ feel Janessa kick. She was never as active as this little boy. JJ was somewhere in the middle as far as his activity level in the womb. I am glad that out of my three this is the most active one. It definitely assures me. I printed out a kick count chart & a couple days ago began the daily counts. The doppler I have gets less & less use. I pull it out when he gives me a minor scare. Usually when I haven't felt him move for a few hours & cannot get him to do so. Poor little guy is probably just trying to sleep! If he has sleep issues as a newborn I'll only have myself to blame!

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