Wednesday, September 19, 2012


I don’t usually let myself “go there” very often, to the timeline of her “should’ve” been milestones. I try not to keep them forefront in my mind. It is just too painful for my heart.

But my mind does wander to that lost life, for a moment or two daily. I try and picture what she would be like, look like, act like. I daydream of her each day, but after losing her, I never could stand to mental mark the timing of each milestone that she should would be at. I didn't track when she could've been crawling, walking, talking,…it was just too much.

There are of course the big ones, the special moments and milestones that I had dreamt of and imagined while she grew in my womb, that I cannot escape. Today, was one of them.

Today, would have been her first day of preschool. She would have attended the same school as her big brother and at the same age he did. I would have walked her up the same walkway, guided her into the same section of the school, settled her in, kissed her goodbye and let her go for the first time, trusting a stranger to take care of her. I would have walked away and shed some silent tears of sadness knowing she was embarking on one of her first steps to growing up.
Instead, I kissed her goodbye 3 years ago for the very last time, watched the nurse, a stranger, walk away with her, trusting she would take good care of her body, and I shed deep, hysterical, shrieking sobs of tears knowing my daughter would never grow up.

My heart hurts today. It aches to know that life with her. I can almost see it in my mind. Her pretty little dress & cute little backpack. Her giggling with excitement while her little hair bounced, or maybe, she would have been clinging to my leg, nervous to let me leave her side. I wonder what her personality would of been like.

I never wanted to leave her side.

I will not get to show up at the school today way too early because I missed her and was excited to pick her up. I will not get to hug her as if she was gone more than the few hours that she would have been. I will not get to hear all about her first day of school and know if she loved it and whether or not she had made some friends there.

Today, she will not be out of my reach for the three hours of school because today, she has been out of my reach for three years.

I wasn’t blessed to live that life with her, to get those answers or details about her. I will not get to know her or see her grow and enjoy shared moments with her. She will never get to experience all that this life has to offer. That pains me so much, to know all that she is missing here.
The never knowing her is a constant ache and today, on this "should've" been special day, it all just seems that much more painful.

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