Monday, April 26, 2010

I Will Never

I Will Never

I will never sing you lullabies
or tuck you in at night
I will never kiss a boo boo
or soothe you from a fright
I will never read you stories
or hear you sing a song
I will never put your toys away
or teach you right from wrong
I will never hear you laugh
or ever see you smile
I will never tickle you
or hold you just a while
I will never teach you letters
Or help you with your math
I will never play in a pool
or get soaked in a bath
I will never make you breakfast
or prepare for you a snack
I will never hug you again
or ever get hugged back
I will never brush your hair
or help you get dressed
I will never tie your shoe
or tell you how I'm blessed
I will never play a game of tag
Or hide and go seek
I will never comfort you
or hold you when you are weak
All these things I will never do
and it will hurt until forever
But you ask will I forget you?
And I'll tell you never.
-- Amy Gray
Missing you Janessa.

Sunday, April 18, 2010


Easter was so bittersweet. It was a gorgeous spring day. We could not have asked for better weather. Last year we were outside bundled up in winter coats & gloves & this year we had short sleeve shirts & sandals.

Our son had a wonderful day as well as our niece. We have a tradition that she spends the night before Easter at our house. We color eggs together & in the morning they wake up to their baskets from the Easter Bunny. They both enjoy the egg hunt so much.

I cook a traditional ham dinner & my family comes over later in the afternoon. It was a great Easter & if Janessa was here with us it would have felt complete. I am terrified that this empty hole I feel inside will feel this strong forever.

My emotions were all over the place the days leading up to & after Easter. My mind has wandered to everything this Easter should’ve been. My little girl’s first Easter. Her first Easter dress, her first Easter basket, us attempting to let her color eggs to some degree with her big brother, her first Easter pictures. How cute they would have been with her big brother & a picture of our perfect family of four. Instead it has consisted of what it has been for the past 6 years, an amazing Easter with our son . I am grateful for this with all my heart. But my heart still aches for my little girl. I am sure it always will. Her absence was ever so present that day. This year it also included planning out what to bring to the cemetery & how to decorate her plot. Those plans are every parents worst nightmare & we are living it.

After the egg hunt we went to the cemetery to bring Janessa her Easter d├ęcor. I decorated her plot with the items I had picked up & made over the prior weeks. It looked so pretty.

The kids each brought an egg they had colored & placed it on her grave.

We did get a family portrait but nothing like we ever dreamed of.

I missed her so much that day & each day. I could see the pain on my husband’s face at the cemetery so clearly. I know her absence is felt by our son as well. Over dinner & out of the blue he blurted out “If Janessa was here I bet she would be crying.” Those are some six year old’s random thoughts floating around in that mind of his.

What I wouldn’t do to take all this pain away from them…what I wouldn’t give to have her here in our arms.

I wonder what Easter is like Heaven. The celebration of Christ’s resurrection. I can only imagine… This Easter I celebrated that more than ever. I hold onto the fact that because Christ gained new life so did Janessa and one day so will we. One day our pain will be erased & she will be in our arms again. That is the hope that gets me through each day.

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