I have posted 2 posts about things not to say or do when a child dies. You can read those
here &
here. I also wanted to make a post that explains what you can do. I do not want friends and family even more afraid of speaking or being around grieving parents because of reading a through a list of things to avoid saying and doing.
When a baby or child dies, no one knows what to say or do. Most honestly do not know what to do or say. I have compiled a list of possible things to say or do in times of grief. I am hoping to spare one family additional pain caused from the feeling of being all alone after the death of their child.
- Say you are sorry for their loss. A simple “I am sorry” or “I do not know what to say” is perfectly ok. You can also say “I am here for you”, “I am praying for you”, “I will light a candle for your child”. Those can be comforting to them. If you talk to them & you cry, that is ok. Knowing their child was loved by others means so much to them. Never acknowledging their loss by waiting until time passes & then acting like it never happened is very hurtful to the parents who loved their child so very much.
- Send a sympathy card. Each time I received a card for the month after our daughter passed it validated she existed. After a family loses a baby it almost feels like their child was not real. They are there one moment then gone the next. It feels like a terrible nightmare for the first few months. I appreciated those sympathy cards more than anyone will ever know. I saved each one.
- Send flowers for the funeral service to the church or funeral home. Showing the parents their child was loved is important.
- If you choose to send something to the parent’s home I am not sure flowers are the correct choice. First let me say that any flowers we received were so very much appreciated and we were comforted that people were thinking of us and more importantly our daughter. I did however take each flower arrangement into Janessa’s room and shut the door. I brought some of them to her at the cemetery. I knew the flowers would die as well and I did not want anymore death around me. If you still would like to send flowers or you know the parents would like them, maybe send the birth month flower to their house. For example lily of the valley is the birth month flower for our daughter and I love seeing them. They remind me of her. Include a note or letter letting the parents know the meaning of the flower. They may not be in any shape or form to make the connection themselves at that time.
- Bring food over to the house. I lost my appetite for months. I basically lived on cereal straight out of the box. It required no effort to make and when I did feel hungry I grabbed a few handfuls. We did receive some food immediately after we returned home and we were so thankful for it. I did not cook for probably 4 months after Janessa died. Just couldn’t do it. I took care of my son the best we could but definitely struggled with daily tasks. Starting up a group of people willing to cook and bring over food possibly on a schedule for sometime would be a good thing to do. You can also use a website such as this to help coordinate: https://www.takethemameal.com
- As I previously mentioned, I did not handle daily functions very well at all. For the first 3 months or so I would start a load of laundry or dishes then half way through break down into sobs and leave it there for days. Laundry overfilled our laundry room and at one point resorted to buying paper plates and cups to help reduce the chore demand. I kept the house picked up the best I could. Offering to come over to help with chores and cleaning would be welcomed and needed by most.
- Offer to do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, or other errands. I did not grocery shop for weeks and weeks. Partly because I didnt feel up to it and partly because I couldn’t make it through the store without breaking down half way through. I was also scared of running into someone I knew. I also hated the feeling of seeing someone I knew and knowing they knew we lost our daughter and having them pretend they didn’t see me. I also hated it when someone would talk to me and act like everything was normal. I dreaded leaving the house and for months anything we needed we went out of town for. Having someone to fall back on would be incredibly helpful.
- Saying “I am here if you need anything” is great if you mean it. The parents will most likely
never call you to help. You could directly offer to do a specific task to help them. “Would you like me to come over and do your laundry?”
- A friend of ours started a collection up for us and many of our friends contributed to that. We were overwhelmed and so grateful for the donations. We never imagined having to pay for a funeral for one of our children and definitely did not have an account set up to handle such a thing. The donated money was a blessing.
- If the couple has other children offer to bring them to and from school or to any activities. If they have younger children offer to come over and bring them outside to play. The parents will most likely not have a lot of energy or ambition to be playful.
- When speaking to the parents use their child’s name. There is nothing sweeter than hearing our daughter’s name.
- Remember especially difficult times such as the anniversary of the baby's due date, birthday or death, or the holidays. Send them a card letting them know your thinking of their child or some other remembrance gesture.
- Understand the family's mixed feelings about your own or a friend's pregnancy. It may be very difficult for the family to see a friend who is pregnant, especially if their baby may be due at the same time as the baby they lost. It may also be very hard to be around newborns or children the same age as their child. In time, this will lessen but do not think poorly of them for feeling this way. They are in an enormous amount of pain and they are longing for their child so very much.
- Offer your help in memorializing the baby. Offer to help make something in the child’s memory. A garden, scrapbook, video, virtual memorial site.
- Encourage attendance at a support group. Provide an email with links to resources or brochures brought over to their house. This is not for everyone but they should know of their options and whats out there.
- You can also purchase an item that reminds you of their baby for the parents. An ornament for their Christmas tree, a figurine, a pin etc.
- Visit their child’s grave and leave flowers or a memento to let them know you loved their child as well and you are thinking of them. It will be comforting and supportive when the parent's find your moment there.
- Here a few things that have been done for us by others that we enjoyed: An online event on facebook was created by a sweet friend for our friends and family to take part in. They were asked to dedicate an ornament on their tree in memory of Janessa. They were asked to take a picture and upload it to the event. I later made a slideshow of them. Each time I received another picture of a dedicated ornament, it made that day more bearable. Another friend has organized a team to walk in the March of Dimes walk in memory of our daughter. Just knowing that people think of her means so much.
- Most of all check in with them. If they don’t call back wait a few days and try again. They will eventually answer or call back when they are ready and they will always remember that you cared enough to call even if they didn’t answer for you. Send a quick email letting them know you are thinking of them.
These are just some things can be done. I want this out there so those who want to be there but do not know how to will be able to read this and be as supportive as they can to help their friend or family member through this time in their life.
Please feel free to leave a comment below of any other gesture you feel would be appropriate.