Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Love So Strong

“Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and good-bye in the same day is worth all the sorrow.”

I found this quote today and it really beautifully puts into words how I feel about losing Janessa.

I think some people think that If I could change what happened to us to “never have happened” I would. They think that if I could go back in time and never become pregnant with her to make sure this didn’t happen, that I would. That way we could avoid all the grief and sadness we feel. Truth is I wouldn’t trade in the months I carried my daughter and felt her move and kick inside me or the hours I spent with her for anything in the world. The love I felt for her while she was inside me and when she was in my arms only another parent could understand. Every single day I wish I could have her in my arms again. Each day I love her more and more.

Some people never experience this love we share. Yes share. I can feel Janessa’s love. There are times where for a few brief moments amongst all this gut-wrenching pain I feel peace. Calm. Love. I feel it from head to toe and I know its her. I like to think that wherever she is, her soul, her energy, she is sending us her love.

Why would I want to erase a love so strong?






16 comments:

Rikki said...

I have actually been asked that question by one of my friends and i have the same response to them as what you have just said. I defianantly wouldnt change it if i knew that it was going to happen. The love that i have for my boys is worth every bit of pain that i have felt and am going to feel for the rest of my life.
That is such a beautiful quote.

Jessica said...

Malory, this is perfect. I have thought about this and would I trade it all in? no, absolutely not. For the short time they are with us, they show us so much and give us so much. We will hold our babies in heaven one day.

AKD said...

This is something I've talked about with my husband so many times - even for all of the pain that this has caused, I wouldn't give up Maddie for anything. To think that our little babies are happy and perfect forever fills me with gratitude - I would never deprive Maddie of the happiness she feels now.

Thank you, Malory, for posting this.

Once A Mother said...

What a beautiful post. I have thought about this, in my lowest times, about wanting to go back to the time before all this and never having to feel this pain. Then I think of a single moment with her, the way it felt to breastfeed her, the sighs she would let out when lifting and readjusting her head on my chest during skin to skin time, and I know that like you, I wouldn't trade any of it. You are such a strong momma, this piece is just beautiful. Thank you for writing it, and for bringing back for me some of these sweet memories of Peyton because of your writing. I wouldn't trade it, her, for anything. Dealing with infertility now I realize that it is only because of Peyton that I am a mom. She may be the only child I ever have. Going my life without knowing that depth of love... that would be the real tragedy.

Just Breathe said...

That is a powerful quote. Take care and God Bless. ((HUGS))

Jill said...

Beautiful quote! It speaks right to my heart. xx

The New Simons said...

I completely agree Malory. I would never give one moment up of the time that I was able to spend with my Shiloh. Those were the best 10 months of my life, and so worth all the pain and agony I have to endure now.

You have a beautiful family. I hope that you are able to find some moments of peace in this upside down world. I'm here for you if you'd like to talk.

Xo,
Rachel

The Blue Sparrow said...

It is so worth it isnt it? Even with all the pain that comes along with having our angel babies, I wouldnt trade any of it away either. That is a great quote! *HUGS*

Lea said...

Mal - I love it. The quote is perfect and says it all. I have often said that I would feel the anguish and desperation again just to hold my baby in my arms again.

Perfect.

Akul's mama said...

Hugsssssssssssssssss....sad sad hugssssss

Tina said...

It is all worth it. I sometimes think that if 1 little thing in my life had been different, I may not have ever became pregnant with my girls. I can't stand the thought of that. xx

Mary said...

Such a pretty quote. I know how you feel, I would never go back and erase it either.

Samaria said...

So true. There is a quote that I love that goes "Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you're too precious to forget" it's so true!!

Susan said...

It's perfect. The only thing I would erase this experience for is a living, breathing, physically growing Gracie.

Holly said...

Yep. I wouldn't trade my journey at all. I would never not want to have me daughter, even though she isn't with me right now.

Heather said...

Malory-
I just started reading your blog yesterday. I am the mother of a ten year old and 4 year old. I have never had to experience the kind of pain you are facing. Our niece, who is pregnant with her first child is though. The baby has 4 distinct heart defects and fetal hydrops. She is about 28 weeks along. They don't expect baby to survive another week in utero. Chance of survival is between 1-10%. I was looking for the appropriate things to say to her and found your blog. What a beautiful tribute to precious Janessa! I have cried and cried, because I can't imagine life without my two girls. I take comfort in the thought of all those precious babies in Jesus' arms until we can be with them again! Thank you for this blog!

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