Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Driving Forward

I am so grateful the weather is getting nicer. It has definitely lifted some of my spirits. I have found some motivation that I have definitely been lacking. It feels good to have the sun shining & the windows open during the day. I have always loved the spring. Except for last spring.

We had a fun weekend. I went with my sister in law to bring my niece & son to watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid. We have been reading the book & he loves it. The movie was ok. They seemed to of enjoyed it.

On Sunday we took JJ to a local park to begin to teach him to ride his bike without training wheels. My husband insisted we teach him on the field of grass. I was all set to give him a little push on the road where we live & let him go…my husband, not so much. So we took him to the field & it went pretty well. Have a quick watch.

There were of course many of these moments as well, lol.

I have been re-learning how to enjoy myself again with normal activities. It is slowly returning. My mind does still wander to the “this moment should be like this..(insert Janessa)”. It is still very hard & it can be very distracting. I try to stay in the moment as much as I can. My son deserves my full attention & my full reactions to the moments we spend together. I try to stay focused.

It can be almost impossible. There was a cute little girl maybe 2 years old playing next to us with her daddy. She was the sweetest little blonde girl running around in pretty little pink dress. She was shrieking in delight and giggles as her daddy chased her through the field & then scooped her up in his arms. I glanced over at my husband and wished that moment for him and our daughter with all my being.

We saw this precious old couple who had to be in their nineties there as well. They were taking a walk & each five feet took them about 5 minutes. They were so determined to do their walk. She had her arm looped through his arm & they were chatting and laughing like a teenage couple. My husband looked up at me & said “That is going to be us when we are their age.” They even turned around and tried to walk backwards together. They laughed a bit & then turned around to continue their walk. As they passed by us another young couple with their sweet little girl walked by. She was maybe two & she was up on her daddy’s shoulders. She was wearing a sparkly little tutu over some pink leggings & she was happy as could be up there. As the two couples met the older man said to the couple “ah a little girl” the mom replied with a smile, a quick laugh & a “yes”. The older man asked “a little brother?” The mom replied “I don’t know…maybe someday.” The older man said “She needs some brothers & sisters.” An innocent conversation between strangers. One that just so happened to take place in front of me. One that cut me like a knife. If it was only that easy to make happen.

As JJ took a break from his new found bike riding skills a couple we knew walked by with heir family. She was pregnant the same time I was with a little girl. She has a son who is maybe 4. We said hello as they passed us & I glanced at the baby girl in the stroller. I darted my tear filled eyes away. Oh how that should be us.

We took a relaxing walk down a trail & spent a good amount of time at the end just sitting in the warm sun together. Our son told us “This is my best day ever!”

I had a great time that day with my husband & son. This post just reflects how a simple family outing can be intertwined with joy & love and pain & loss. I have almost become accustomed to the waves of emotions each daily task or outing can throw at me. I hold on to knowing that someday they will not be so intense.

As my son takes some steps in driving forward so am I, towards the day this all isn’t so fresh and painful.


With Out My Punkin said...

((HUGS)) I am glad that you are enjoying these moments with your family.

Holly said...

We had such nice weather last week and the weekend was a little less than nice. Today wasn't that great either but right now the sun has come out and even though it is still cool outside I feel a little bit better just seeing the sun shine.

Holly said...

I think you'll have those moments at any stage of your life of wondering what it would be like. Whether your a young couple like now or an older couple in their 90s.

Lisette said...

I am so glad to hear that better days are coming your way. It is so hard to see other people with their baby girls. It is something we can never get used to but I wish one day we could. Your always in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope that this spring brings you much strength since I know you await Janessa's first heavenly birthday. Sending you big ((Hugs)).

Trennia said...

Thank you for your kind comment on my blog.
I am sorry you are going through this too...(((HUGS))) my friend..may the Lord give you peace that passeth all understanding.

Check out my Etsy Shop!