Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ten

March 5th marked 10 years since my father died. It really feels like 10 years have passed. So many moments without him. So many times I wished he was here. So many times I needed him.

March 14th marked 10 months since Janessa died. It feels like yesterday. I am uncertain how this has happened. How this all has happened. How a baby can die before they even have the chance to live. How time can be so cruel without them. How this much time has passed so quickly.

I am no longer drowning in grief. I have learned over the past 10 months how to live with agonizing pain in my life. Its there. It will always be there. I am floating along now. Every now & then sinking under for a few moments. I have just learned how to mask it well. With laughter, jokes, distractions & life. Life goes on. As much as I needed that pause button life continued on.

The tears still flow. Hidden tears. Showers & car rides that overflow with them. Every couple weeks those tears are triggered into deep deafening sobs. I wonder will the cruel time take these away? Will it atleast give me peace in the future? How can it? How can anything bring me peace in this life I live without my daughter? I will continue to work towards that even though a piece of me knows I will never attain full peace.

I have created projects that keep me feeling close to Janessa. Without those I do not think I would be floating now. I have learned what allows me to cope. It has not been easy but here I am 10 months later & I am grateful to no longer be drowning. Each day I wake & wonder, will I sink today?

I am finally able to see a baby & not feel as though I may lose it…most of the times. I can handle social functions pretty well now. I can enjoy activities once again. I am trying to live. My husband & son keep me loving life. I still love my life. I hate the fact that I have to live without Janessa but I am so grateful for what I do have. A wonderful husband whom I have been in love with since 14 years old. I love him more as time goes on. I guess time isn’t always cruel. I have an amazing son who has given me the gift of motherhood & so much to live for. I look at him & know what we will be missing out on by Janessa not being here. Because I know first hand what we are missing, it makes the sting of her not being here just that much more painful. It makes me even more grateful that we have our son in our life.

I have become a harder & softer person at the same time. Some things that I used to stress over do not get a second of my time while things I never knew existed have consumed so many of my thoughts & emotions. I have changed. I hope its for the better. I guess only that time I speak of will tell what the experience of burying my child has done to me.

I visited their graves on March 5th. She is buried on top of him & their markers are next to each other.


I wondered to myself if my Dad was taking care of Janessa. After I got in my car I couldn’t seem to get myself to leave. I sat there for about 30 minutes & sobbed. I looked up to the sky & saw some leaves blowing & gliding through the air. Most blew away quickly & only what I thought were 2 stayed gliding. Then I realized that they were not leaves but two birds flying together. I watched them for a few moments & then they disappeared. They did not dissapear into the distance or fly down & land somewhere…they just vanished. It was odd. They were in plain sight & then gone. I kept looking for them. I thought I may have imagined these two flying birds. Then it hit me. Was that my Dads way of telling me he is with Janessa. Are they flying up above together? Did he want to show me he has her & she is ok. I hope that’s how it is. I hope they are soaring together…freely, full of love & happiness & most of all peace. Peace is what my father could not seem to find while he was alive.

I have spent too much time in a cemetery over the past 10 years. I can only imagine how much more time in that cemetery lies ahead me for the next 10 years.


I miss you Dad & my sweet angel. I love you…forever.


7 comments:

Jen said...

10 months for us on the 19th too.. I think you are doing a wonderful job with the montages..doing stuff like that always makes me feel better.. you are a blessing to so many other grieving parents..thinking of you, your sweet girl and as you miss your dad today..((hugs))

Lisette said...

I think that was a beautiful sign from your dad to let you know he is with your sweet Janessa. I am always looking for signs!
Through your grief you have ways to touch many lives by your creativity. I think it is wonderful. You have giving me such a wonderful gift. You are an amazing mama. Thinking of you today and your family. Sending big ((hugs)) to you.

*Laura Angel said...

Thinking of you **

With Out My Punkin said...

Thinking of you and your family. I defiantly think it was a sign that Janessa and your dad are flying together. You do amazing work for families and Janessa is smiling down on her mommy ((HUGS))

Cristin said...

I believe in those signs with every fiber of my being. I am certain that was a sign from your Dad and your sweet girl. Certain.

Catherine W said...

I'm so sorry. I hope that your little Janessa is safely with your Dad and I hope that your Dad has found peace.
Thinking of you. xo

Jessica said...

*hugs* This was a beautiful post. I definitely think the birds were a sign. Your Dad is with Janessa.

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