My sweet baby girl,
I cannot believe four months have come and gone since I touched your soft skin. How perfect you felt in my arms that day. I remember it as if it were yesterday.
It is already fall. The summer is gone…..the summer we were suppose to take you home.
I have no idea how this much time has passed. I am stuck on that day. Maybe its because I do not want to let you go. No matter how much time passes I will never completely let you go. Or maybe its because this world of grief is consuming me. I feel as though each day I am drowning without you. Sometimes I physically feel that I cannot breathe.
I miss you more than I could ever put down in words. I am lost without you here. This new life without you is almost impossible to adjust to. It is unnatural for a mother to be without her baby. My mind knows you are gone but my heart searches for you every day.
I remember when your brother JJ was 4 months old. I try and picture you at that age. I cannot. All I see is you sound asleep wrapped up in that beautiful hand knitted blanket with your little white hat on. I regret not taking a picture of you without it on. I can still see your very dark brown hair exactly like your brother had when he was born. You had just as much as he did I can only imagine how much hair you would’ve had if you were born 9 weeks later.
I imagine what it would have been like to have you home with us. How much fun it would be to have a baby around again. How exciting it would be for JJ to be a big brother to you. I think how sleep deprived we still may be and how much I would give anything for that right now. I find myself sleeping as much as I can now. Maybe since the nightmares have finally eased up a bit, sleeping is my way of escaping the pain I feel. Yes, I know it is.
I am unsure how I have managed to make it this long without you. JJ reminds me why I keep going each day. I know that you would want me to keep pushing on, so I do.
I am your Mommy. I always will be. I would’ve loved to be a Mommy to you.
I think of you from the minute I wake up until the moment I drift off to sleep. I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. I will ALWAYS feel your absence. I will forever see an empty spot in each family picture that will be taken. I will feel a void at each holiday and family event. It has already happened. I will do my best to keep your memory alive and at the same time give your brother all of me that is left. For when you left you took a big piece of me with you.
Mommy loves you, forever.
Today we sent her some more balloons. JJ had mentioned to his counselor that he wanted to send her the picture he & his Dad had made months ago. It has sat on her changing table this whole time.
I thought today would be the best day to do that. I wrote her a letter and so did my husband.
Here are our balloons.
I never imagined celebrating her 4 month “birthday” this way. I had so much planned out for us as a new family of four….
Today I mourn my daughter. I mourn the life she will never live. I mourn all my dreams for her, for us a family.
Today I mourn our old life and the old “me” and try to figure out who I am now with a part of me in heaven.
I cannot believe four months have come and gone since I touched your soft skin. How perfect you felt in my arms that day. I remember it as if it were yesterday.
It is already fall. The summer is gone…..the summer we were suppose to take you home.
I have no idea how this much time has passed. I am stuck on that day. Maybe its because I do not want to let you go. No matter how much time passes I will never completely let you go. Or maybe its because this world of grief is consuming me. I feel as though each day I am drowning without you. Sometimes I physically feel that I cannot breathe.
I miss you more than I could ever put down in words. I am lost without you here. This new life without you is almost impossible to adjust to. It is unnatural for a mother to be without her baby. My mind knows you are gone but my heart searches for you every day.
I remember when your brother JJ was 4 months old. I try and picture you at that age. I cannot. All I see is you sound asleep wrapped up in that beautiful hand knitted blanket with your little white hat on. I regret not taking a picture of you without it on. I can still see your very dark brown hair exactly like your brother had when he was born. You had just as much as he did I can only imagine how much hair you would’ve had if you were born 9 weeks later.
I imagine what it would have been like to have you home with us. How much fun it would be to have a baby around again. How exciting it would be for JJ to be a big brother to you. I think how sleep deprived we still may be and how much I would give anything for that right now. I find myself sleeping as much as I can now. Maybe since the nightmares have finally eased up a bit, sleeping is my way of escaping the pain I feel. Yes, I know it is.
I am unsure how I have managed to make it this long without you. JJ reminds me why I keep going each day. I know that you would want me to keep pushing on, so I do.
I am your Mommy. I always will be. I would’ve loved to be a Mommy to you.
I think of you from the minute I wake up until the moment I drift off to sleep. I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. I will ALWAYS feel your absence. I will forever see an empty spot in each family picture that will be taken. I will feel a void at each holiday and family event. It has already happened. I will do my best to keep your memory alive and at the same time give your brother all of me that is left. For when you left you took a big piece of me with you.
Mommy loves you, forever.
________________________________
So here is Janessa’s 4 month picture. Nothing like I imagined it be.
So here is Janessa’s 4 month picture. Nothing like I imagined it be.
This is not suppose to be this way.
Today we sent her some more balloons. JJ had mentioned to his counselor that he wanted to send her the picture he & his Dad had made months ago. It has sat on her changing table this whole time.
Here are our balloons.
I never imagined celebrating her 4 month “birthday” this way. I had so much planned out for us as a new family of four….
Today I mourn my daughter. I mourn the life she will never live. I mourn all my dreams for her, for us a family.
Today I mourn our old life and the old “me” and try to figure out who I am now with a part of me in heaven.