Monday, September 14, 2009

It's been four months...

My sweet baby girl,

I cannot believe four months have come and gone since I touched your soft skin. How perfect you felt in my arms that day. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

It is already fall. The summer is gone…..the summer we were suppose to take you home.

I have no idea how this much time has passed. I am stuck on that day. Maybe its because I do not want to let you go. No matter how much time passes I will never completely let you go. Or maybe its because this world of grief is consuming me. I feel as though each day I am drowning without you. Sometimes I physically feel that I cannot breathe.

I miss you more than I could ever put down in words. I am lost without you here. This new life without you is almost impossible to adjust to. It is unnatural for a mother to be without her baby. My mind knows you are gone but my heart searches for you every day.

I remember when your brother JJ was 4 months old. I try and picture you at that age. I cannot. All I see is you sound asleep wrapped up in that beautiful hand knitted blanket with your little white hat on. I regret not taking a picture of you without it on. I can still see your very dark brown hair exactly like your brother had when he was born. You had just as much as he did I can only imagine how much hair you would’ve had if you were born 9 weeks later.

I imagine what it would have been like to have you home with us. How much fun it would be to have a baby around again. How exciting it would be for JJ to be a big brother to you. I think how sleep deprived we still may be and how much I would give anything for that right now. I find myself sleeping as much as I can now. Maybe since the nightmares have finally eased up a bit, sleeping is my way of escaping the pain I feel. Yes, I know it is.

I am unsure how I have managed to make it this long without you. JJ reminds me why I keep going each day. I know that you would want me to keep pushing on, so I do.

I am your Mommy. I always will be. I would’ve loved to be a Mommy to you.

I think of you from the minute I wake up until the moment I drift off to sleep. I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. I will ALWAYS feel your absence. I will forever see an empty spot in each family picture that will be taken. I will feel a void at each holiday and family event. It has already happened. I will do my best to keep your memory alive and at the same time give your brother all of me that is left. For when you left you took a big piece of me with you.

Mommy loves you, forever.
So here is Janessa’s 4 month picture. Nothing like I imagined it be.

This is not suppose to be this way.

Today we sent her some more balloons. JJ had mentioned to his counselor that he wanted to send her the picture he & his Dad had made months ago. It has sat on her changing table this whole time.

I thought today would be the best day to do that. I wrote her a letter and so did my husband.

Here are our balloons.

I never imagined celebrating her 4 month “birthday” this way. I had so much planned out for us as a new family of four….

Today I mourn my daughter. I mourn the life she will never live. I mourn all my dreams for her, for us a family.

Today I mourn our old life and the old “me” and try to figure out who I am now with a part of me in heaven.


Akul's mama said...

I wish instead of us sending our angel babies balloons, our babies were here sending those balloons in the air themselves. Thinking of your angel with you.

Anonymous said...

*hugs* Mallory on Janessa's four month birthday. You will be reunited with her in heaven. I truely believe that for all of us. If and the keyword is if I have found anything good through this tragedy is that my faith has grown stronger and I believe all of our babies are in heaven and that we will be reunited with them one day. We will hold our babies in heaven. They will be waiting for us.

Franchesca Cox said...

My heart hurts for you. I know that void you talk about and feeling her absence every waking moment. Thinking about you today. Your son was so cute at four months and your daughter is just precious. You are right, she would want you to push on.

We sent balloons to Jenna, too at four months and wrote messages on the balloons to her. I like to think that God reads all the messages to her. =)

Praying for you today, xx

Lea said...

Dear Malory,

Janessa is so loved. I love the balloon idea... we did the same and will do it again.

"My mind knows you are gone but my heart searches for you every day" - such true and heartwrenching words. I think will always ache for my little boy.

Thinking of you all.

Once A Mother said...

Oh Malory,
Your comment on my site brought me hear and many many tears have fallen for your beautiful family today. Janessa was perfect, I am so, so sorry. I really feel for you, being four months out. I am 11 and a half months out from saying goodbye, and my heart is still broken. Those first 8 months were the very darkest of my entire life and it hurts me to see another mother in that place, in those early hours where breathing is a struggle and sleep is filled with the images we would most like to forget. Isn't that the cruel irony, the images we want to remember leave us, and those that cause us pain stay. To be honest I have never been able to get back to good sleep, I am happy to hear that your nightmares have given you a little break. I want you to know how beautiful I think it is that you give of yourself to make those videos. Your strength to help others during your own time of pain amazes me. If you need someone to talk to, someone who is a few months further along in this journey... I am here. Our stories our different but our loss is the same. Grieving with you today for your sweet Janessa.
Peyton's Mommy Kristin

Bree said...

oh my goodness, the picture your son drew has me in tears. my heart is broken for you and your family. i'm sorry janessa wasn't here to celebrate this milestone with you.

Leila's mommy said...

four months. i'm right here with you. i'm having a hard day today, so i don't have much to say. but please know that i am here reading and sharing this journey with you. i miss both of our precious babies. this summer was supposed to be the most wonderful summer of my life, with my new baby girl. the summer was empty, and now it's gone....
hugs to you,

Anonymous said...

Dear Momma of an Angel,
My heart hurts for you and I hope with every fiber of my being that you find peace and can let go of this stifling sadness.

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