Saturday, September 12, 2009

Beauty From Pain

I have been watching my niece during the day recently. Having a little girl around is bittersweet. There are moments during the nine hours that I have her that I look at her and I want to just sob. She looks so much like my husband it makes my mind wander to the "what-ifs". We know what Janessa looked like. She looked so much like JJ. But newborns change so much I wonder who she would’ve looked like more. Would she also had JJ’s blue/gray eyes? Would she have kept her very dark brown hair or would it of changed to light brown like JJ’s did? Would her hair of been straight like Mommy’s or beautiful curls like Daddy’s? Would she of had her daddy’s skin tone? And then that leads to a mountain of more “I wonders” …. Some days are pretty cruel. Our niece is definitely a bright little light to have around and although she may trigger some deep dark emotions, she brings me moments of laughter and smiles I so desperately need.

We officially started Janessa’s garden about 11 days ago. My mother’s best friend came by to help. She generously brought some plants from her garden to add to Janessa’s. It is coming along quite well. I am very excited to see it in the spring when all the bulbs we planted bloom. Most of the plants my Mom bought me should come back in the spring as well. I have received plants for the garden by several people and I appreciate that so very much. I plan to put a little dedication tag near each given plant to remember who it was given by. My neighbor has offered to make us a bench. The generosity we have been shown is amazing. For those who have messaged me about donating a plant, bush, statue or other garden item in memory of Janessa, thank you. xo

We are hoping to be finished for the season in the next week or so. Spring will bring a whole new opportunity for ideas in the garden. I will post better pictures when we are done.

JJ also got to help a few days after school and last Saturday and during the weekdays my niece has been able to get her hands dirty in there as well.

Ripping and digging into the earth, planting new life, and channeling my grief and energy into the garden has been very therapeutic and healing for me. I'm looking forward to sharing pictures with you all.


Just Breathe said...

I bet it will look awesome in the Spring. You have had some wonderful helpers. I know that it feels good to work in a garden. God Bless.

Franchesca Cox said...

WOW! That is super amazing! I am going to start a Jenna Garden too, in November (when we finally *hopefully* move!)! I am super excited for you! I hear from one of my angel Mommys this will be therapuetic to your broken healing heart. I am soo excited about starting my Jenna Garden. The garden for Janessa looks beautiful, I know it will be a beautiful peaceful place. Good luck and thank you for sharing!

Jess said...

That is fabulous. :)

Tina said...

When I don't write, my thoughts swirl around in my head and I can't let go. It is very theraputic for me to get my words down on "paper." The garden is lovely and such a wonderful reminder of your precious baby Janessa. xx

Malory said...

Thank you ladies.

It definitely gives my mind something to focus in on and do something "for" Janessa. It definitely feels good to tear some stuff up by digging.

Lea said...

Malory - Janessa's garden looks beautiful and full of love. You have some wonderful little helpers.

PS. I made a pair of Angel Wings for Janessa. Please visit the following link to have a look.

Also, please let me know if you would like the original mailed to you, including you address. I would be honored to send them out to you.


Akul's mama said...

What a wonderful tribute to your angel. I hope some day I can do something similar for Akul.

Check out my Etsy Shop!