“For all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you.”
She looked so much like her brothers.
Nine years ago today, on May 13th, we learned that Janessa’s heart had stopped beating. In that one moment our lives were irrevocably changed.
I have been brutally honest throughout my grief journey, and in continuing to do so, friends…today is HARD. No amount of the healing I’ve worked towards can sustain me from the universe’s double gut-punch of today.
Last year, for the first time, her birthday (May 14th) fell on Mother’s Day. It was tough. Trying to celebrate Mother’s Day when all of your children are not with you is hard. Waking up on your child’s birthday without them is excruciating. Having to do both on the same day is brutal. It felt cruel at first and I had a lot to work through to not stay in the dark place that I found myself in. It wasn’t easy but I was able to attain some peace that day.
And now this year, for the first time, having Mother’s Day fall on the same day that my child died is merciless. And folks, I’m not finding the same grace I possessed last year. This year, I’m tired. And I’m fighting through some bitterness. And you know what? I’m okay with accepting where I am with this. I’ve come so far and have fought for so long for my happiness. I’m good with putting down the gloves for a bit and sitting with my grief. I’ve learned to surrender at times, and when I do, I often find some healing. I know this is temporary. I am not ashamed of my need to catch my breath, or of my grief. I will never apologize for it. I’ve learned that you can be broken AND be strong. I’ll get back up, I’ll brush myself off, I always do…it just won’t be today.
And in the midst of all of that, I will still celebrate my motherhood to these three precious babies. Each of them has taught me countless lessons about life, who I am, and what I am made of. They each make me strive to be better, for them and myself. I’m so thankful to be their mom.
I’ll forever be a mother to three.
She looked so much like her brothers.
Nine years ago today, on May 13th, we learned that Janessa’s heart had stopped beating. In that one moment our lives were irrevocably changed.
I have been brutally honest throughout my grief journey, and in continuing to do so, friends…today is HARD. No amount of the healing I’ve worked towards can sustain me from the universe’s double gut-punch of today.
Last year, for the first time, her birthday (May 14th) fell on Mother’s Day. It was tough. Trying to celebrate Mother’s Day when all of your children are not with you is hard. Waking up on your child’s birthday without them is excruciating. Having to do both on the same day is brutal. It felt cruel at first and I had a lot to work through to not stay in the dark place that I found myself in. It wasn’t easy but I was able to attain some peace that day.
And now this year, for the first time, having Mother’s Day fall on the same day that my child died is merciless. And folks, I’m not finding the same grace I possessed last year. This year, I’m tired. And I’m fighting through some bitterness. And you know what? I’m okay with accepting where I am with this. I’ve come so far and have fought for so long for my happiness. I’m good with putting down the gloves for a bit and sitting with my grief. I’ve learned to surrender at times, and when I do, I often find some healing. I know this is temporary. I am not ashamed of my need to catch my breath, or of my grief. I will never apologize for it. I’ve learned that you can be broken AND be strong. I’ll get back up, I’ll brush myself off, I always do…it just won’t be today.
And in the midst of all of that, I will still celebrate my motherhood to these three precious babies. Each of them has taught me countless lessons about life, who I am, and what I am made of. They each make me strive to be better, for them and myself. I’m so thankful to be their mom.
I’ll forever be a mother to three.
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