Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dear Janessa

Dear Janessa,

Hello babygirl. I have been missing you so much lately. I of course, miss you each and every day but lately the sting of your absence seems to be a bit more painful. I cannot believe it has been almost 2 years since you were physically here with me. You would be turning 23 months next week. Your 2nd birthday is right around the corner. I wish I could have had the chance to see the toddler you would be right now.

Two-year-olds seem to be everywhere I look lately. I have even found a few in my arms recently. I find joy in these little babies but the tug at my heart, at my soul, is too strong not to acknowledge. It leaves me with such an ache for you. I watch them and know you should be doing all that they are. I try and picture you doing those things, what you may look like now, and how cute your little voice and words would sound. I imagine you driving your big brother crazy. I think of all the mischief you would be getting into.

I wonder what it is like where you are. What you do to fill the time. What time feels like there. I wonder if you miss me, miss us. I wonder if all you know is peace and love. I send you my love each day.

I remember holding you in the hospital. Your Daddy had left the room for a few minutes. I sat there rocking you and humming the lullaby I always hummed to your big bro, and now to JD as well. There are so many things I wish I did with you that day, so many regrets, but I am glad I got to do that. That is one of the few things I will get to do with all my children.

I recently read your little brother his first storybook. I sat on the floor of his nursery, your old nursery, with him in my lap. He looked so curiously at all the colors on the pages as I read the words aloud to him. I am so incredibly blessed to have him here with us. I love that I get to do all these things with him. I am just sad I never got the chance with you. I know you watch over your brothers. I wonder if you were with us that day.

I believe my words and thoughts find you, wherever that may be. I know your spirit finds me as well. I feel you.

So my sweet angel, I would like to read you a story now. One of my favorites. Its perfect just for you.

I Love You As Much... by Laura Krauss Melmed

Said the mother horse to her child,
"I love you as much as a warm summer breeze."

Said the mother bear to her child,
"I love you as much as the forest has trees."

Said the mother camel to her child,
"I love you as much as the desert is dry."

Said the mother goose to her child,
"I love you as much as the endless blue sky."

Said the mother sheep to her child,
"I love you as much as the grass on the hill."

Said the mother mouse to her child,
"I love you as much as the grain in the mill."

Said the mother goat to her child,
"I love you as much as the mountain is steep."

Said the mother whale to her child,
"I love you as much as the ocean is deep."

Now sleep, child of mine, while the stars shine above-
I love you as much as a mother can love.

Love, Mommy


Dawn Brown said...

My heart aches for you, Malory. Janessa was very lucky to have such a loving mother.

Lisette said...

This post has me in tears! ((HUGS))

Carly said...

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

Anonymous said...


Your blog is phenomenal and I just want to say that you are an amazing woman and mother. Keep smiling!

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled on your site after googling for an "angel dear blanket" and I just melted into a puddle like everyone else. Oh, you must get "MY GLIMPSE OF ETERNITY" by Betty Malz! She dies and tells you what she experienced on the other side. It's all true but it has elements like a novel and you can't guess what's going to come next. I really think you would enjoy it - especially with all you've been through. I buy used copies on the internet all the time to pass on to people and everyone always raves about this little book.

P.S. By the way, I love the name of your website! You should write lyrics to go with it. I'm serious. It sounds like a song someone like Martina McBride would sing.


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