Thursday, August 6, 2009

Precious Signs

One evening last week our son took an unexpected and well welcomed nap. I needed some downtime so I sat on my back porch for awhile. It was one of the few moments it was not raining. I sat there as my mind went a mile a minute and had a good cry. I was picturing my little girl’s face when a tiny pure white feather started to float past me. “A feather from her angel wing” I thought. Oh if I could’ve reached out & caught it. A few days before that while sitting on the porch while upset, I looked up to the sky and in the clouds saw a perfectly formed “angel”. I ran into the house to grab my camera but by the time I got out the clouds had shifted ever so slightly and the angel was lost. How beautiful would that picture of been and how nice that would’ve been to have.

We went to the Beach yesterday. Thankfully the weather held out for us. It was beautiful. As I watched our son play in the sand from our blanket I was thinking about everything in general. After a loss when you do simple things like go to the beach you think how that person is missing. Or in our case how we wouldn’t be at the beach if Janessa had arrived when she was due. That’s what was going through my mind when my husband called out for my attention. A pretty yellow/orange butterfly was circling in between us. I watched it for a second before it flew away. "How odd!" we both thought to see a butterfly at the beach. No grass, trees or flowers nearby. “Another sign” I thought. As we got in the car I realized how disconnected again I was from the day. I didn’t even go down to the water or play in the sand with JJ. “Why didn’t I?”, I thought. What did I do the whole day? I realized that I am letting moments slip right past me in my grief. In the end I am now losing even more than what we have already lost. I am going to try & work on that.

We have also started to discuss doing a memorial service for Janessa. A final goodbye now that the “fog” has lifted. We are not positive what we want to do just yet but this week I will be figuring that out. Everyone will be welcome at this service. For her funeral we were in such a fog that we weren’t able to let all of our friends know. We weren’t sure we could handle a big group and honestly at the funeral home I felt so overwhelmed. I was more than grateful to have everyone who came there but the weight of the situation was suffocating me. This time will be different. I will be able to think somewhat clear & incorporate some ideas that will I hope bring us some healing, I will let everyone know the details once it is planned. Thank you to those who have offered your help, I may need some.

I also mentioned that I wanted to find a way to bring some good out of this situation. I wanted to find a way to give back for all the generosity we were shown. I also wanted a way to reach out to Moms & families who have been struck by this type of loss. I decided to create Every Life Has A Story. It’s a website designed to allow me to help other families create a video in memory of the child they lost. I understand that not everyone is familiar with video making programs. I enjoy that, not necessarily the reason behind it but it is something that I know has brought me an immense amount of healing. As a lot of you know I made one a few years after my Dad passed and truly feel that it gave me the closure I needed. I cannot explain how or why except that when you lose a child, especially a baby, you do not have a lot of mementos. I started working on Janessa’s very shortly after I got home from the hospital. Having a memorial video gives you another piece of your baby and every piece you have gives you comfort. I hope to help just one family through their time of healing. It is almost complete.

I would also like to thank everyone who has and those who continue to light the “virtual” candles for Janessa. I have tried to save each one & I am sorry if I missed one or two. Its nice to see them when I check the site each night.

I think I have rambled on enough here. Thank you for reading if you made it this far, lol… I also truly appreciate the kinds words you all leave as comments or private messages.

Once I process everything I will let you know how tomorrow goes…my god I am so nervous!

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