We love you and wish you were here.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Sacred Ground
We love you and wish you were here.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
A First Lost, A First Gained
His life is a precious gift that came out of the brokenness her death left us with. So although five years ago I envisioned this day in a very different light, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for his presence in our family and for the opportunity to watch him grow and experience this life, this world, with fresh eyes and excitement.
Our family's story did not end with our daughter's death, it continued on with the blessing of a sweet little boy who we could not imagine our lives without. He and his big brother fill our lives with joy and love, but their sister's life and our grief will always be a part of us.
Our lives have become a balance between the life we lost and the joyful life we have. And though our joys allow us to love our lives again, they do not negate our pain. And today, my heart is cracked back open.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I Carry Your Heart
Five years ago today, her heart stopped beating. She was born the following morning. But she still lives…in the part of my soul reserved only for her…
A poem I love.....
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
-e.e. cummings
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Choosing Joy
This post was originally published on Still Standing Magazine on February 1, 2014
Choosing Joy by Malory Jimenez
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Choosing Joy by Malory Jimenez
Morning sunbeams light the room.
I stir from my slumber.
My eyes open slowly.
My mind shifts from dreamland to reality.
My senses awaken.
The house is calm and quiet.
The sounds of birds chirping fill my ears.
They remind me of spring.
Spring reminds me of her.
I focus in on thoughts of her.
Memories.
That’s all I have.
I say it in mind.
“She’s gone.”
“She died.”
“We buried her.”
My thoughts of her cause me to remain still.
Just as she was.
Sometimes, I say it aloud.
“My daughter died.”
Forcing the truth out of myself into the world.
Validating her existence.
I remove all of the softening words.
I didn’t lose her.
She didn’t fly away.
She didn’t drift off to sleep.
She didn’t pass.
“She died.”
It still takes my breath away.
My thoughts carry on…
“I will live the rest of my life without her. “
“She will not live hers.”
“How can this be?”
“How am I still breathing?”
Life breaks in.
The haunting flashbacks stop.
Little voices call my name.
I hear the pitter-patter of their running feet.
Toward me.
I wipe the single tear off my cheek.
Before they see it.
They burst in.
Full of life.
Giggling.
I’m engulfed by two little boys.
In tickles.
And kisses.
Sweet moments before the chaos.
My feet touch the floor.
My day begins.
I continue on.
And face each day.
Just as I have for the past four-and-a-half years.
Each day I am met with an option.
Defeat or perseverance.
Each day the choice has become easier.
I’ve had to relearn how to be happy.
And each day I consciously choose joy.
Love.
Hope.
I embrace healing.
Comfort.
Peace.
I possess courage.
And strength.
Her gift to me.
My life keeps going.
Without her.
Yet, with her.
In the only way possible.
In memories.
In passing thoughts.
In my heart.
She is weaved through my soul.
She may have died.
But her mother’s love did not.
It is abundant and enduring.
Fierce.
Eternal.
It sustains me with enough love to love this life.
This broken, non-perfect, yet still sweet life.
And because she lives within me.
I choose life.
For both of us.
My hope for you, for my fellow loss sisters who are fresh in their anguish and for my sisters who are still in the darkness of their grief, is that one day, you too will find the light. The light that illuminates the path to joy. The light I never thought I would see again. But I did. Because this community held me up until I could stand, then held my hand until I could walk, then kept their arms outstretched when I gained the courage to run towards the light, toward joy, toward my future. I fell back into their arms a few times, and I know I will again in future days. That is the beautiful thing about this, about my sisterhood here, is that the acknowledgement, love, support, and encouragement, supplies me with the strength I need when I run out. And because of that, this sacred community will always hold a piece of my reconstructed heart. So pull strength from my words. Find hope, encouragement, & possibilities of brighter days. Find the love that was released through my fingertips and has been woven through my message to you. I wish for you comfort, healing, peace, and joy once more.
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