Sunday morning our son is sitting at the island counter in our kitchen making creepy crawlers. My husband & I are lying in bed watching a movie. The distance between us & JJ is about 15 feet & I have a straight view of him. He then calls out to me…
“Mom, Do you know what I just thought to myself? If Janessa was here with us we would be a happy family.”
A moment passes.
“Mom?” He asks.
“Yes baby I heard you.” I reply.
I don’t find myself at a loss for words very often & even when I do I am pretty good at improvising for the required moment. This time however I was struck with a sinking feeling in my chest & stomach & an overwhelming rush of emotions & racing thoughts.
Does he does not think we are a happy family?... We are happy aren’t we? ...We used to be so happy... I thought we were doing a pretty good at “being” happy... I know he knows were sad but does he really know how very sad?...Is he going to grow up & think happiness left the day Janessa did?...I’m failing..I’m a failure...I failed Janessa & now I am failing JJ...Why can’t I respond?...Why can’t I speak?...What do I say?
This is one of "those" moments & I am frozen. Frozen with sadness, shock, pain...& failure.
It takes me 10 minutes but I clean the tears from my face & pull myself together & go into the kitchen to help him with his toy.
“JJ, do you not think we are happy?” I ask.
“We are a happy family. If Janessa was here we would be a happy happy family. Two happys for two kids. I just wish Janessa was here with us in our house. She could be watching me make these with us.” He replies.
“Yes JJ, that would be very nice. Please know baby that we are very happy. You make Daddy & I very happy.” I tell him.
A few moments later in his bedroom…
I continue…“I know that Daddy & I seem sad & that’s because we too miss Janessa. Just know that things will get better, I promise. It is just going to take a little time.”
“Ok Mom.” He says.
“And please know that Daddy & I are very happy that we have our little family. Janessa will always be a part of our family. She will be heaven watching us for our lives. We have a part of us now in heaven.” I tell him.
“I wonder what heaven looks like Mom.” He asks.
“Beautiful baby…just beautiful.”
“Mom, Do you know what I just thought to myself? If Janessa was here with us we would be a happy family.”
A moment passes.
“Mom?” He asks.
“Yes baby I heard you.” I reply.
I don’t find myself at a loss for words very often & even when I do I am pretty good at improvising for the required moment. This time however I was struck with a sinking feeling in my chest & stomach & an overwhelming rush of emotions & racing thoughts.
Does he does not think we are a happy family?... We are happy aren’t we? ...We used to be so happy... I thought we were doing a pretty good at “being” happy... I know he knows were sad but does he really know how very sad?...Is he going to grow up & think happiness left the day Janessa did?...I’m failing..I’m a failure...I failed Janessa & now I am failing JJ...Why can’t I respond?...Why can’t I speak?...What do I say?
This is one of "those" moments & I am frozen. Frozen with sadness, shock, pain...& failure.
It takes me 10 minutes but I clean the tears from my face & pull myself together & go into the kitchen to help him with his toy.
“JJ, do you not think we are happy?” I ask.
“We are a happy family. If Janessa was here we would be a happy happy family. Two happys for two kids. I just wish Janessa was here with us in our house. She could be watching me make these with us.” He replies.
“Yes JJ, that would be very nice. Please know baby that we are very happy. You make Daddy & I very happy.” I tell him.
A few moments later in his bedroom…
I continue…“I know that Daddy & I seem sad & that’s because we too miss Janessa. Just know that things will get better, I promise. It is just going to take a little time.”
“Ok Mom.” He says.
“And please know that Daddy & I are very happy that we have our little family. Janessa will always be a part of our family. She will be heaven watching us for our lives. We have a part of us now in heaven.” I tell him.
“I wonder what heaven looks like Mom.” He asks.
“Beautiful baby…just beautiful.”