Today, six years ago and also on a Monday, we buried Janessa. I stood there, in shock and gutted to the core. I had no idea how to go on living. What I didn’t know, and what I am glad to have not known, was that the shock would eventually wear off and the grief would increase to a state that felt unbearable and unsurvivable. What I also didn’t know, but wish I had known, was that even though some would forsake me, others would embrace me, and I would find a support system both locally and online that would save my life.
On the day we learned I was pregnant with Janessa, we were on our honeymoon and we visited a Butterfly Sanctuary. I’m grateful to not have known how symbolic that visit would become. Her nursery was later decorated in butterflies and after her death the butterfly became a symbol for her. Her name, Jan combined with Vanessa, means “God’s Gracious Butterfly”. I later created Butterfly Footprints in her memory and also as an attempt to give back to the community that walked with me through my grief.
How fitting that today, of all days, I receive this beautiful photo of this sand drawing from CarlyMarie who, for those who are not familiar with her, plays a very large role in the online babyloss community that I mentioned. It’s absolutely breathtaking Carly, and it brought light into my somber day. Thank you. xo