Monday, May 21, 2012

Gone But Not Forgotten

When Janessa was stillborn, I knew what a great loss we had just suffered. I knew our lives were going to be forever impacted by the silence of that doppler, the stillness of that screen and the shake of the doctor’s head, “no”, to my husband, because she couldn’t bare to look me in the face.

I knew how important she was to our family and how much she was loved, but I thought the rest of the world would just dismiss her and she would be forgotten. If you asked my husband about me, he may say, “She is always right…or at least she thinks she is…”, but in this circumstance I was wrong and quickly after her death I realized that. I am very thankful that I was. She is not forgotten by those important to us and I can credit part of my heart healing to those who remember her. So I thank the wonderful people in my life who took time to remember her and us on her third birthday. We received three birthday cards in the mail. I cried tears of gratitude each time one arrived.

A few days after her birthday I received this…
“The Arbor Day Foundation has received a donation in memory of Janessa Marie Jimenez. As a tribute, 20 trees will be planted and registered in the Blackwater River State Forest... With thoughts of comfort, peace, and caring, these trees will be a living monument to your loved one.” The donation was made by a new friend of mine, Jamie. I get choked up each time I think about it or reread it. On the front cover of that card it says…

“If you seek my monument, look around you.”
I always feel the closest to Janessa’s spirit when I am among nature. I see her in all the beauty. I sometimes forget how beautiful this world is amidst the pain and cruelty I see in it. When I am surrounded by the sights, smells, and sounds of nature I feel a sense of inner peace and a feeling of connection to something much larger than myself.

I hope to stand underneath those trees one day and gaze up at the wonder of them and know that they are another little footprint of my daughter's, even though her little feet never touched our ground at all.

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change"- Buddha
Each life form that comes to be on our earth IS a miracle. The chance of it all, the obstacles each life faces before its bloom or birth is never in its favor. I never really understood all of that until after Janessa. Although our daughter will not get to bloom here on this earth, the miracle of her life will be something I am forever grateful for, because that is finally clear to me now, just how miraculous her existence is and just how much she has changed my whole life and my whole being.


Nicole Marie said...

You have a beautiful, beautiful blog.

Robyn said...

Thank you for sharing your precious daughter, and using the insight you gained from your loss to help others.

My best friend lost her first child at 26 weeks. She was due two days after christmas. I made her clothes to be put to rest in. Thanks to your blog I have thought of a little way to help remember her. My friend always heard tawny owls, and once saw one while she was pregnant. She thinks of owls as a symbol of her daughter now. I will have an owl nest box put up in a nature reserve for her litte girl this Christmas.

I wish you and your family all the best.

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