Sunday, April 29, 2012

Sucker Punch

Tonight, I held my mother prisoner at my house so I could get a couple of housework tasks completed without having two little boys pulling me in different directions.

I went to my neglected laundry room because it has been on my to-do list for months now.

I was just about to finish when I noticed a bag at the top of the closet. I jumped up and grabbed  it.
Mid-jump my heart sinks. I know what the bag is. Painting clothes. These are from three years ago. They were used to paint a beautiful nursery for a baby girl on her way.

I don't recall placing them in this bag or in this spot. I'm not sure how I knew what they were before having a chance to read the bag. But I do, and once the connection is made my world stops and everything goes silent. The pitter-patter and squeals of play from the boys are muted by my racing thoughts as I am transported back in memory. I can almost feel the paint brush in my hand, feel the weight of my large belly full of life.

I slowly open the bag while feeling as though someone has punched me in the gut, knocking the air out of my lungs. I take each article of clothing out one at time. I spot the faint pink, the deep maroon, the pure white. These were the clothes her Daddy and I used to prepare her walls and changing table for her arrival. The tears form in my eyes, blurring my vision.

The anger hits first. This is a new emotion for me in regards to her death. I haven't expressed much of it in the past three years, but quickly the grief in my gut overrides. I feel ten times heavier with it. I feel that broken feeling I know so well.

I clench the piece of clothing stained with the deep maroon paint splatters tight in my grasp and then pull it up to my face desperate to catch a hint of what her nursery smelled like. A mixture of paint and the laundry detergent that was used on her clothes that filled up multiple bins, just waiting for her arrival. But the aroma is gone. Just like how that smell left her nursery after a year of waiting for a baby to fill it's space.

I catch that scent every now and then. In someone passing by me in the store, or near a freshly painted item coated in the same brand of paint. It hits me just like finding these did. Like a sucker punch right to my heart.

I have them wrapped back up in their bag. The bag now being a time capsule of sorts, back to a time when all was right in our world. To a time her heart beat safely in my womb.

They are now awaiting to be placed with all her items. I cannot bare to toss them away. To lose anymore of her, or reminders of her life. They are another piece of proof that she was here. She was real. She was almost ours to keep.


j cubed said...

I can relate to this post in so many ways. I am so sorry Janessa is not here with you. I have tears streaming down my face right now. I cling to every little thing that reminds me of my little guy Jonas. I love that you are using all J names :) Big hug to you and I pray we will have the strength to make it through these years without our little ones till we see them again. All my love to you.

dyanna27 said...

I'm so sorry, Mal.

Dawn Brown said...

I wish I could offer you more than hugs <3 I wish I knew what to say. My heart hurts to know you were sucker punched that way.

Carly said...

Oh stomach sunk reading this. I'm so sorry you had that suckerpunch, they are never easy. Big hugs to you. Thinking of you and your sweet little girl.

Teresa said...

This breaks my heart reading this. I know that I have told you this before but I just feel so connected to you and love your blog so much because you write so many of the same things that I feel but I just can't get them out of my head and into real words. I had a similar experience when we moved out of our house a few months ago. I was cleaning out all of the cupboards. The one on top of the fridge we never used because I was way too short to reach it. I figured I better check it and make sure that there wasnt anything up there. To my surprise there was cans of formula and baby bottles that I had at some point put away for Hannah in case I needed them and somehow I totally forgot that I did that. SUCKER PUNCH is a good way to describe it. I literally felt the wind knocked out of me and started sobbing. My husband comes from the other room and finds me on the floor surrounded by formula and bottles and I was a complete basket case......sometimes there are just no words. Thinking of you and your precious baby today. Love and hugs.

Malory said...

Oh Teresa, my heart just broke so much for you. That has happened to me so many times. I am so sorry.

Mary said...

I remember finding those just for them things and getting angry and sad and riding the emotional roller coaster.

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