Saturday, January 29, 2011

All About JD

I will eventually get around to JD's birth story and my baby shower post but for now I will share some tid bits about our little man.

Two days ago JD turned one month old. Crazy. It went by fast. Too fast.

Although I told myself to take too many pictures I feel as though I didn't take enough.

JD is amazing. He is a pretty laid back baby. He doesn't cry that much but when he does, he does so fiercely. He found his lungs a couple weeks ago after being fairly quiet before then.

He eats like a champ. He now is eating 3-6 oz at each meal every 3-4 hours. He weighed in yesterday at his one month check up at 8 lbs 6 oz and he was 21.5 inches. A couple weeks back he went from 6 lbs 6 oz to 7 lbs 12 oz in one week! He has already outgrown most of his newborn clothes and diapers. Once he has a full belly you can expect to see lots of smiles on his face. He has done this from day one. Every once in a while he will let out a little chuckle. It is probably gas or him peeing but nonetheless its adorable. He very frequently glances above my head at the same spot and smiles. I can't help but think of what I always heard growing up that babies see angels.

JD HATES to get his diaper or clothes changed and he dislikes anything cold. I even purchased a wipe warmer for him. A device I once thought useless.

He may hate the cold but loves his nice warm bath. He is silent through the whole thing. He sleeps amazing afterward.

JD almost always sneezes in threes. He brings both his fists up to his nose at the same time. I must try and get this on camera, its so cute.

The gagging episodes he has had since the hospital are starting to be farther between and I hope eventually they end. They are definitely scary. It seems as though he is trying to get something up but cannot. He turns red/purple and does not seem to be able to breathe. A few times the milk came out his nose although he rarely spits up during these episodes. We have to use the suction ball to get some of the mucus out of his mouth and nose at times. One incident lasted about 15 minutes and I ended up waking my neighbor who is a nurse at 3 am to check him out. While still in the hospital they thought that since I only pushed for eleven minutes his lungs did not have time to get completely squeezed out in the birth canal. I also think he has some mild reflux going on.

He is a restless sleeper. Sleep around here has been scarce. He moans and grunts and tosses and turns almost all night. I believe this to be from him being a bit gassy. I have been trying out different nipples and just yesterday purchased a new type of bottle to try. I have bought some gas drops as well but they don't seem to make a huge difference. I cannot sleep when he is making these noises so it tends to be a long night until we both finally pass out cold.

I remember the day it seems his sight came into focus. He locked on to my face and eyes and I knew he could see me and not just some shape in front of him. I love sitting and staring into his eyes.

Speaking of his eyes...he has one eyelash on each eye that is longer than the rest. When he is sleeping on me and I find myself just staring in awe of him, my eyes are always drawn to those little eyelashes.

His eyes are still blue. We wonder if they will change to brown like my husband and I or if he will be a freak of nature and keep his blue eyes like JJ did. JJ has a blue/grey color with specks of yellow. At times you can see green as well. I never know what color to put down when asked that question on documents. Only time will tell about JD's eyes but I am secretly hoping he gets to keep those gorgeous dark blues.

JJ is loving being a big brother. He is protective of him and worries about him. He even moved a couch pillow away from his sleeper dome the other day and then proceeded to show his annoyance with me that it could have fallen on him. He likes to hold him and JD's cries do not seem to bother him. He likes to try and soothe him without help and believes his kisses makes him stop crying.

JD also has some tricks. For instance he can sense when I am trying to eat and begins to fuss. I believe he is trying to help me diet. He also has an awareness of the time I need to leave the house and decides that is his meal time. Its quite impressive, lol. I am still working out this baby thing. It has been 7 1/2 years so I feel like a first time mom again.

But when I eventually get out the door doesn't he look so cute all bundled and strapped up?

JD loves to be held. He is so content in our arms. It is the only place he always sleeps so soundly. In fact I am holding him now as he sleeps making this quite a task to type. I keep smelling his neck to get a scent of his baby lotion baby smell.

I have missed this.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A Poem For JD

This was shared with me by Lisette. It is beautiful and I wanted to share it here.

I often wonder what will be my first words to JD about his big sister. I wonder what we will tell him about her, about her death, about our love for her...about how much we miss her. I wonder how he will feel when he gets older and knows the whole story...the whole truth...and how he came to be...

A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian

People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Monday, January 24, 2011


Today I managed to get out of the house. Alone. Getting out these days has been rare and getting out by myself is almost unheard of.

I used the opportunity to go and visit Janessa before heading to do some errands. I try and go after each snowfall to clean off her stone and fix her decorations. I have not been able to do that each time this winter with the arrival of JD. I have yet to bring JD to his sister's grave. Its been too frigid. I think I'll wait until the first nice spring day and make a trip with him.

I pulled up and saw that snow was piled up as high as my thigh. The mountain of snow on the edge of the road where I would enter was almost as tall as me. I could not get to her.

A shovel will now be placed in my vehicle. I will be that crazy grief stricken mother shoveling in the cemetery.

But today I sat there in my vehicle and thought how my little baby was buried  underneath all of that. I pictured her tiny pink coffin. I thought how cold she must be. My natural motherly instincts towards her have not been erased with time.

There I was sitting 40 feet from her & the universe had found yet another way to keep me from her.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I have been waiting to post an update. Waiting for this new reality to feel real. Waiting to wade through all my emotions so I could know how I am feeling.

I have been doing pretty well. I feel immensely blessed and so happy to have my baby safe here in my arms. It was such a long road and it was both physically and emotionally draining to get here.

I love that he is finally here. I love smelling his baby smell and snuggling up with him. I enjoy just sitting and staring a his precious little face. I fall more in love with him each day. I enjoy watching my husband hold him and seeing JJ love on him.

He is so very protective of him. He is a great big brother. He has been such a huge help and it melts my heart when he asks to hold him.

But I honestly feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not exactly sure what I expect to happen. I just look at JD and cannot believe he is here. Alive. Breathing. Healthy. I feel sometimes I am in a dream and I will awake to still being pregnant, still be waiting.

JD is like having a clone of JJ. They look so much alike as babies its ridiculous. I have even slipped and called him JJ.

He is such a good baby. He has his days and nights on track. We have already settled into somewhat of a routine. He rarely cries but when he does I could listen to it forever. You see, when you have had a child who never let out a single cry, hearing your other child cry no longer is unsettling. I remember hearing JJ as a baby cry and it would give me automatic tension and I would rush to get him calm. I have held JD in my arms as he was crying and just looked at him in amazement.

I was worried having JD here would send me completely back into my grief again. It has not. Having a baby reminds me once again of everything we will never get to experience with Janessa. I knew to expect that. It has triggered episodes of tears and the deep longing I have for my daughter. That emotional longing at times becomes a physical ache. I feel it right in the middle of my chest.

I would do anything to have all my children here with me. Although we are done having babies, we will never experience that feeling of our family being complete. She is missing. I take photos like this and I see her absence.

It makes so sad to know I will never physically have a daughter to raise. I do look forward to raising my boys and cannot wait to see them grow up together and become friends.

Some moments are tougher than others and sometimes I feel guilty at times for feeling so sad in the middle of one of the happiest times of my life. Sometimes the pain becomes so intense I retreat to the early days of grief. I found myself lying in bed last night silently crying into my hands that were clawing at my face and kicking the bed like a toddler would do in a tantrum. I just miss her so much. These episodes are far and in between now but when they hit they hit hard. The physical separation between mother and baby never starts to feel natural.

I also feel guilty when I am feeling overwhelmed or completely exhausted. I have waited so long to have another baby here with us. When I am feeling these ways I tend to feel as though I shouldn't have the right since I know how easily this can be taken away from me. I know this is irrational and I have every right to feel spent or overwhelmed as the next mother does. I guess it just bothers me how so many people take their children for granted.

I sometimes walk around the house at night when everyone else is asleep. I go from room to room and stare at my husband and my little boys as they sleep.

Or in this case they were all in one spot :)
I am so grateful I have them all in my life. I love them all more than I could ever show them. I just only wish there was our pretty little princess to check in on.

Our Sleeping Beauty

Monday, January 3, 2011


Our little boy has arrived!

"JD" (as he will be referred to on the blog) was born December 27th at 11:36 p.m.

6 lbs 7 oz & 20"

He is absolutely perfect! I am loving every minute of having him home with us. It has been a long road to get here. We feel so blessed that he is here safe and sound.

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