Two Years

Two. That is how old you would be today.

I wish I could get a glimpse of the two-year-old you. I stare at your picture and wonder so often.

I remember your big brother, JJ, at two. How smart he was. How much fun he was. You would be so full of life right now. You would be learning so much and we would be living and seeing the world again through your fresh set of eyes.

They tell me that you will never have to experience the pain of this world or the ugliness that seems to be more prominent by the day. I try to find comfort in that. To know that you only knew love here and now you only know peace.
You will never have teary eyes or a broken heart. But I have trouble with that. You see, my sweet Janessa, I wanted to wipe those teary eyes and kiss away the pain. I wanted to protect your heart and when the time came when I no longer could, I wanted to help mend it.

This world can be an ugly place but it is also incredibly beautiful. Life can be full of pain - your death has shown us an extreme of that, but life is also full of joy and beauty. Beauty you do not get to experience. I picture you in the most beautiful place of all, and you may see beauty that I cannot fathom, but I wanted to watch you grow and experience this beauty here with us.

Maybe one day I can arrive at a place where I can take full comfort in knowing that you are where we all hope to be. But now I sit here and selfishly wish you back to my arms.

I long for you more than my written words could ever tell.

We have a special day planned out today. Visit with us if you can.

Happy 2nd Heavenly birthday Janessa.

Mommy loves you.