May 13th

Pic sent to me today from Mary Yee. Thank you.

Today was a beautiful spring day. Exactly like the one on this day two years ago.

This date will always lay so heavy on my heart. Two years ago today, her little heart stopped beating and ours shattered.

Last night, I could not sleep. The whole timeline of events played over and over in my mind. These flashbacks come so often still but these were so intense it felt like I was physically there. I felt the fear, the devastation, the shock, the pain.

I cannot believe I survived this.

So much has happened in these past two years. They seem to have flown by so quickly. I am able to function but the grief, the grief is still very present. Tears lay behind each blink, pain is still behind each smile. I think about her all day.

I have read so many times how year two is just as hard as year one but in different ways. It is so very true.

To know I have to live without her for the rest of my life can be at times completely overwhelming. I feel so weak, so broken. There are moments where I feel as though there may come a time where I can no longer be strong. I fear a future meltdown where this all becomes just too much.

There are days where I look into the mirror and see these eyes looking back. They are new eyes. Still stranger-like. I have been trying to get used them since she died. They lack the spark they once held. I only see sadness. They fool many but they have seen things no mother should.

Some days I look myself in the mirror and have to talk myself into being able to go on with the day. I tell myself that I have made it this far and I can do one more day. I still take one day at a time. People think and tell me they admire my strength. What they don't see is the mom, wife, woman, who still struggles with everyday tasks. I still find daily duties to be incredibly overwhelming. Some days around here I label as "FAIL" at the end of the day. I have learned to accept these. To cut myself some slack.

Each day I acknowledge all I do have in life to be grateful for. I use this as motivation to keep on trudging through the waves of emotions that at times almost pull me under. I have learned to accept the wax and wane of grief. I ride the waves instead of drowning in them now.

I hold onto the words and writings of other moms who are much farther on this path of childloss. They tell their stories and write how with time the pain continues to dull but they say it never ceases. I don't know how it ever could. I hold onto the promise of days where the pain is not so intense. To days where I may feel complete joy again...or take my first real deep breath again.

I know that some days she is sending me some extra love. Her spirit finds me and pushes me on.

If she comes to visit me, I wonder if as I sit here typing this, if she is sitting close by me wiping the tears that are falling down my cheeks. If you are my sweet angel, or if my words find you, please send Daddy some extra love. His heart has been so heavy lately.

I love you babygirl.