Monday, May 16, 2011

The Chase

A little baby is crying.

I can hear it. My oldest son can hear it too.

It is a haunting cry.

He starts to run towards the sound of it. I understand why he does but I know he shouldn't. I yell to him, "No! JJ come back!".

He continues to run. Fast, frantically. JJ does have so much speed when he runs.

I keep calling to him and then I take off after him.

I continue to yell, "JJ, stop!". He ignores me and keeps going.

I can feel how badly he wants to reach this baby.

But he cannot.

I seem to know this already. I know that we could run forever and we would never get to that baby.

He keeps on running as though he knows where he wants to get to.

I can still hear the cry. I know it can't be her. Can it?

I am now sobbing, I yell out, "JJ!...please stop!...come back!........she is, dead."

The baby's cries stop.

I finally catch up to him. He never did reach her.

I know she is close by. I can feel it. But I know she is out of reach.

I grab him, we fall to the ground. We are both crying.

The baby is silent. 

She is gone.  Again.


Dreams have a way of pulling out so much of your subconcious. I had this one this morning.

You see, we chased the dream of having a baby girl/little sister for 31.5 weeks.

We were so excited. JJ was too.

We almost had her. We were so close. She was almost in our reach for us to have forever.

It haunts me each and every day that we did not get to hear Janessa cry. The sound of the silence in the room when she was born was deafening.

We did not have JJ come to the hospital until after we gave Janessa to the nurse. It was the biggest mistake and regret we have. I feel his grief would be easier to navigate if he had met her. There would be so much less for him to wonder about. He "chased" information and details about her for months after her death. He still frequently does. We have told him all we can but his little mind still churns and processes. As he gets older, he will process her death over and over again far into adulthood.

The sound of JJ sobbing at her funeral still at moments echoes in my ear. The pain and sadness he was feeling that day, I wish I could have taken it away for him.


God knows I would run forever to get to her.

But she is out of my reach.


Jill said...

Oh Malory, this has me in TEARS! I am so so very sorry. Your sweet JJ. And you and your family.

Marlene said...

I am trying to breath as i write this, i am crying so much. I feel the pain you are going threw still. Mal, we will always feel this way, you, me and all of the mothers of Angels who have been called home.

Monica said...

Such a touching and heartbreaking post.

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