Friday, February 18, 2011


I love this idea! Franchesca from Small Bird Studio has created a blog hop. It will be hosted on the 19th of every month. Its purpose is to clebrate hope. The promises, things, people, places, memories, signs, anything that brings us hope.

This week's question:

What small {or big!} miracles have brought you hope lately? I hope you'll share a piece of your journey by joining the blog hop :)

From the start of this grief journey hope is what allowed me to survive. I mentioned it in a post recently. "In those first few weeks my husband and I talked a lot. Planning and talking about the future seemed to help. It gave us a lifeline of hope to cling to." At the time I was not sure it would ever be possible to be happy again. All I could do was hope that someday in the future we would again feel joy.

Our son JJ kept us going. He supplied us with a reason to live when it felt like we had died. When we were expecting JD it gave us hope for the future of our family. He has brought some new energy and lots of additional love to our home. We are grateful and blessed to have him here.

Very slowly over that first year of grief colors started to show through again, aromas smelled sweet again, the taste came back in food...I laughed. At first it hurt to laugh. Then I felt guilty for laughing. Eventually those feelings faded. It felt good to be able to enjoy parts of life again. Although these senses made a comeback none have returned in their original state. It has been 21 months. I hope one day to see the world and its beauty as I once saw it.

"When great souls die, our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our minds formed and informed by their radiance, fall away...And when great souls die, after a period, peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed" -Maya Angelou

As each of these senses returned I worried Janessa was slipping further away from us. I was blessed however to receive some beautiful signs from her. These brought some comfort to me and let me know she is still around me...

While picturing her face a pure white feather floating by me, glancing up when my heart is heavy and seeing an angel and a butterfly in the sky...

...a butterfly flying around us on the beach, a hummingbird flying up to our heads as we broke ground in Janessa's garden, while standing at her grave asking for a sign feeling a warm breeze that wraps around my body like I've never felt before, capturing the faces of babies in the clouds on International Babylost Mother's Day with two other babyloss mamas...(all three of us became pregnant shortly after)...

...thinking of her and in the next moment having a beautiful butterfly knock on our window in the middle of the night...

...a sense of pure peace that fills that my soul every so often. In those moments I know she is close by me. I can feel her. Those moments give me hope that she is not completely gone. She may be gone from sight but not from my heart. I beleive she is in a place far beyond my comprehension. I beleive she can feel the love I send to her each and every day.

I hope one day to see her again. I beleive I will.

I read a quote soon after Janessa passed. It gave me a perspective that I cling to. I hope that one day she returns to my arms. The hope that I will see my daughter again makes it easier to continue on.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us here on this Earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my daughter running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that by the time she looks behind her to see if I am there...I will be."


New Year Mum said...

How beautiful... and an amazing photo ! I love that quote and that thought brings me great peace too - thank you for sharing it xo

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I love butterflies. :) This is amazing.

Franchesca said...

I LOVE that quote too. It brings me so much joy that I can only hope that's exactly how our reunion will be.

Something you said resonated with me deeply "Although these senses made a comeback none have returned in their original state." SO true. Hoping our lives can experience a deeper love and laugh because of our losses.


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