Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I have been waiting to post an update. Waiting for this new reality to feel real. Waiting to wade through all my emotions so I could know how I am feeling.

I have been doing pretty well. I feel immensely blessed and so happy to have my baby safe here in my arms. It was such a long road and it was both physically and emotionally draining to get here.

I love that he is finally here. I love smelling his baby smell and snuggling up with him. I enjoy just sitting and staring a his precious little face. I fall more in love with him each day. I enjoy watching my husband hold him and seeing JJ love on him.

He is so very protective of him. He is a great big brother. He has been such a huge help and it melts my heart when he asks to hold him.

But I honestly feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not exactly sure what I expect to happen. I just look at JD and cannot believe he is here. Alive. Breathing. Healthy. I feel sometimes I am in a dream and I will awake to still being pregnant, still be waiting.

JD is like having a clone of JJ. They look so much alike as babies its ridiculous. I have even slipped and called him JJ.

He is such a good baby. He has his days and nights on track. We have already settled into somewhat of a routine. He rarely cries but when he does I could listen to it forever. You see, when you have had a child who never let out a single cry, hearing your other child cry no longer is unsettling. I remember hearing JJ as a baby cry and it would give me automatic tension and I would rush to get him calm. I have held JD in my arms as he was crying and just looked at him in amazement.

I was worried having JD here would send me completely back into my grief again. It has not. Having a baby reminds me once again of everything we will never get to experience with Janessa. I knew to expect that. It has triggered episodes of tears and the deep longing I have for my daughter. That emotional longing at times becomes a physical ache. I feel it right in the middle of my chest.

I would do anything to have all my children here with me. Although we are done having babies, we will never experience that feeling of our family being complete. She is missing. I take photos like this and I see her absence.

It makes so sad to know I will never physically have a daughter to raise. I do look forward to raising my boys and cannot wait to see them grow up together and become friends.

Some moments are tougher than others and sometimes I feel guilty at times for feeling so sad in the middle of one of the happiest times of my life. Sometimes the pain becomes so intense I retreat to the early days of grief. I found myself lying in bed last night silently crying into my hands that were clawing at my face and kicking the bed like a toddler would do in a tantrum. I just miss her so much. These episodes are far and in between now but when they hit they hit hard. The physical separation between mother and baby never starts to feel natural.

I also feel guilty when I am feeling overwhelmed or completely exhausted. I have waited so long to have another baby here with us. When I am feeling these ways I tend to feel as though I shouldn't have the right since I know how easily this can be taken away from me. I know this is irrational and I have every right to feel spent or overwhelmed as the next mother does. I guess it just bothers me how so many people take their children for granted.

I sometimes walk around the house at night when everyone else is asleep. I go from room to room and stare at my husband and my little boys as they sleep.

Or in this case they were all in one spot :)
I am so grateful I have them all in my life. I love them all more than I could ever show them. I just only wish there was our pretty little princess to check in on.

Our Sleeping Beauty


Lisette said...

I have been wondering how you were doing. I know this isn't easy as many assume you are healed now since you have a little one to hold at home. Janessa will always be the missing link therefor you will always long for her. I wish she was here for you to check on too.
Your boys are twins, my goodness!!! You guys make the most gorgeous babies.
I think about what lies ahead for me with a new baby at home. I think I can comprehend what you are feeling. ((HUGS))

Curls O Fred said...

I'm thankful for you sharing your experience of bringing him home and your feelings about missing Janessa and having JD now. I feel I'm on the verge of some of those feelings already, but this gives me some insight as to some of what I might feel if we get to bring Simon home.
He's lovely. And you have a lovely family...always remembering Janessa.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

The pictures are so sweet. So glad that he is a good baby. ((HUGS))

Kim Golinski said...

The pictures really do him no justice. He is absolutely amazing.

Your family is always in my thoughts.... and Janessa is always in my heart. Always.

Susan said...

Mal, he is beautiful! So handsome!! Jenna was 4 months over the weekend, and sometimes it still doesn't feel real. Sometimes the surreality is still so overwhelming. So glad that it's going as well as can be expected! Much love!!

Amanda said...

You are such an amazing person, Malory. Thank you for always sharing your journey, the bad and the good. I love the photo of all your boys asleep on the couch! So special.

Holly said...

Lainey looks so much like Kyndra too! I wish that their sister were here too.

I'm sure you are all soaking him up. And hopefully you are getting some rest!

Betty said...

Such an amazingly beautiful family. (((Hugs)))

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