Monday, January 24, 2011

Buried

Today I managed to get out of the house. Alone. Getting out these days has been rare and getting out by myself is almost unheard of.

I used the opportunity to go and visit Janessa before heading to do some errands. I try and go after each snowfall to clean off her stone and fix her decorations. I have not been able to do that each time this winter with the arrival of JD. I have yet to bring JD to his sister's grave. Its been too frigid. I think I'll wait until the first nice spring day and make a trip with him.

I pulled up and saw that snow was piled up as high as my thigh. The mountain of snow on the edge of the road where I would enter was almost as tall as me. I could not get to her.

A shovel will now be placed in my vehicle. I will be that crazy grief stricken mother shoveling in the cemetery.

But today I sat there in my vehicle and thought how my little baby was buried  underneath all of that. I pictured her tiny pink coffin. I thought how cold she must be. My natural motherly instincts towards her have not been erased with time.

There I was sitting 40 feet from her & the universe had found yet another way to keep me from her.

6 comments:

Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS))

Stacy Spuria said...

I was thinking that of my grandparents after the first big snow we got a few weeks ago. Strange I guess since they've been gone for YEARS...but I don't think you ever stop loving those you've lost...ever. I just have to remind myself that it's not "them" right now, that they are in a happier place than I can see.

Lisette said...

((HUGS))

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry, Mal. The snow may be cold on top but I think of it like a big, white blanket!

Always thinking of you. Hugs

Jen said...

Oh Mallory :*( so hard and I am sorry.. I too have panic attackes when I think of the rain or snow on Ella's grave.. its too much..((Hugs))

Holly said...

I'm sorry you couldn't get to her. :( I know one day last winter they hadn't plowed our cemetery so we trudged back there by foot to go see her and make a snowman.

Check out my Etsy Shop!