Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas 2010

I hope everyone had a good Christmas and that those whose hearts are heavy had some peace. I definitely handled this Christmas festivities alot better than last. Having so much to prepare for has kept me distracted from focusing on Christmas itself. I had one gift purchased up until Wednesday when I did most of my shopping. I had to then send my husband out in Christmas Eve madness to finish for me since I spent much of Thursday in labor and delivery triage (read about that here). I definitely avoided shopping as long as I could again this year. I once had that obnoxious Christmas spirit. It still has not returned but I am sure as time passes it will slowly come back. This time of the year you spend alot of time being grateful for all you have in your life. I know how blessed I am in mine. But when you have endured such an enormous loss in your life such as losing a child, it is hard to focus on what you have without feeling the void of your child. Its impossible. I still & will continue to feel her her painful loss each and every day of my life. She will always be remembered.

This year I was late bringing Janessa her Christmas decor. I had not been feeling well & had not made it to the cemetery for some time. It had been the longest gap of time since losing her. My sweet friend Kim recently let me know she had brought her some Christmas butterflies. I finally made it to her plot the beginning of last week and could not believe I had let her special spot become so messy. I was so disappointed in myself. This is one of the only things I can do for her. I felt like I failed her. The pumpkin we had brought her for Halloween had fallen on to her stone leaving a pink residue of paint on it. The seeds were all around frozen to the ground. I scrubbed & scrubbed & eventually got most of it off. When its not so cold I will be able to finish the cleanup. The butterflies Kim brought are gorgeous. My husband returned with me to the cemetery to put up her decorations. We could not put all we wanted as the ground was frozen solid but it turned out beautiful. Thank you Kim for your gift!

After running the risk of possibly not being home for Christmas we were grateful to have been able to spend the holiday at home. Mostly because we knew how disappointed our son would be to have to wait to have Christmas morning.

 Using his MP3 player he wanted so much for Christmas
but still excited for a bag of chocolates!

I was also grateful because we still had a TON of baby prep to do. We spent most of the day putting things together, washing baby clothes and organizing. Today is going to be a repeat.

There has been a HUGE improvement just from when these pics were snapped yesterday.

I am excited to get the furniture delivery which is scheduled on the 31st. Until then I cannot get as organized as I'd like to. My old self would have had this nursery complete by 32 weeks pregnant. I just couldn't do it. I still sometimes worry I'll come home again empty handed and walk into a nursery that will never be used. Until he is safely here I cannot overcome that.

I had a bag of Janessa's clothes I purchased for her on our counter for about two weeks. It was the very last of her items from the nursery still physically in our home. Everything else has been packed away up in our attic. I could not get myself to do anything with them. Finally on Friday my husband asked me what it was and why it had been sitting there for so long. I explained it to him. He asked what I would like to do with them. I told him where to store them upstairs and as he walked away I cried. Some things are just too much for me. That was one of them.

Last night after stopping the "nesting" madness I sat in the nursery in the rocker. I spent a great deal of time just get used to the fact that in less than 2 days this baby will be here. As I type this I cannot believe that tomorrow is the day!

As for now I am off to clean up the Christmas mess & make sure all is set for tomorrow!


Jill said...

oh Malory, I got chills reading your post as well as tears. Janessa's place is absolutely beautiful. I LOVE the butterflies. And you know how I am with butterflies. She is looking down and I know sending you big hugs and kisses to you all. I cannot wait to see pictures of her sweet little brother. We are all rooting for you and cannot wait. And the nursery, beautiful. Thank you for sharing this all with us. And again, I cant thank you enough for making Naomi's video. I look at the casing every day as it sits on her memorial. My grandma suggested I give the other copy to her when she is older. I may just do that. thank you and God bless and cannot wait to meet this little long awaited guy! xoxox

With Out My Punkin said...

I was the same way, I kept everything of Kasey's. Brooklyn sports many of her brothers outfits.
The butterflies are beautiful <3 Janessa <3

Holly said...

The butterflies on her grave are so beautiful! I love how big they are! Keeping you in prayer!

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