Saturday, November 13, 2010

Struggling

I've been struggling lately emotionally. Each and every day is a challenge to get through. I actually just vented to a fellow baby loss mama & real life friend about this a few days ago.

Half the time I cannot figure out the exact reason I am so upset. I have not been extremely pleasant to be around lately. I find myself in tears almost everyday. Showers full of tears, middle of the night sobs that I worry will wake my husband or son.

Since the second month of this pregnancy or so, I have been waking up each night and cannot fall back asleep. I make sure to have a bunch of shows dvr'd so I have something to occupy my time. What I quickly realized is that I was waking up at 4 am. Janessa was born at 4:24 am. Each and every night I am awake to bring in another brand new day without her.

Nothing seems very important to me except making sure I get this baby here healthy & alive. It makes any other task seem so minuscule! The weight of having this little baby's life in my hands suffocates me at times. I sometimes do not think people realize how tough each & every day is for me. Its emotionally draining. I tend to assume people think I must be so much better off now. I know there are some who understand and those who try.

Each day there are the intense moments where I suddenly notice I have not felt the baby move for a little while. They send me into panic mode. I prop myself down on the couch/bed & start prodding at him to make him move. I sometimes also do a kick count & when I am feeling very anxious will crack out the doppler to make sure his heartrate is at his normal reading. I also know that no matter what I do I cannot control other things from happening...there are moments when its all too much. I am grateful this pregnancy seems to have flown by. I contribute that too the reality that I am still living in a grief stricken world & time has taken on a new feeling. It blows my mind that in 6 months Janessa would have been 2 years old. Thats insane to me. It all feels like yesterday.

My life seems to be in standstill. My goal is getting to delivery day & everything else is on pause. I try so very hard to stay in the moment for my son but I struggle everyday. Its like I am waiting for our lives to start again. I do not like living this way.

I also can't seem to get motivated about anything. I have a to-do list a mile long and it all seems so daunting. Things around the house have been piling up & keeping house is at its bare minimum. Its definitely not up to my normal standards (which were too high anyway). I can't help but feel overwhelmed almost all day.

We have reached a point in this pregnancy where we should really have more done in preparations for this little boy. Its time to get in gear & that is overwhelming in itself. Everytime I do anything to prepare the thought in the back of my mind of "what if I'm doing this for nothing" creeps in. Its an ugly feeling. It takes all I have to stay positive.

I also worry so much about the mix of emotions that will come with this little one's birth. I know there are so many people that think that once he is born things will be better for us. His entrance will fill our lives with additional joy but he will not be our quick fix to heal our hearts of our daughter's absence. That cannot be fixed. I wonder how being in the hospital with another baby will affect our grief. Some has been worked through but I am sure will get stired up. I know our joy will overpower but there are the underlying emotions automatically attached now.

On top of that I am 31 weeks pregnant this weekend. Janessa passed away when I was 31 1/2 weeks. My stress level has been increasing by the day. The specific week I was in had nothing to do with the abruption but as I approach the time in her pregnancy where my body failed her I am so worried its going to do it again.

I have noticed that nothing around here shows anything past 31 weeks. My calendar is only marked weekly up to the 31 week mark. The kick count sheet is only filled out until week 31. I even made sure we had our maternity pictures done before I hit this pregnancy milestone. I tried to fill in the remaining weeks but couldn't get my hand to move. I have tried to stay as positive as possible. I have made alot of effort into making sure I enjoy this pregnancy in spite of the enormous amount of stress attached. But I cannot help but worry something will go wrong.

I am dreaming of the day we have this little one in our arms. Safe and sound. Alive.

12 comments:

Christy said...

Happy for you to reach this mark....It is so hard to balance happiness with grief--that we even have to balance those two at all. You deserve happiness and this little one will and is giving it to you. Hang in there Malory.....holding your hand on this journey.
xoxo

Jessica said...

I am so glad to see you at 31 weeks *hugs*. I so get the pressure of the pregnancy and how overwhelming it is. I feel that pressure even now and I am full term. I still feel the pressure to make sure he is always moving. I just wish there was a brochure we could pass out to people on how to deal with a woman who is pregnant after a loss.

Holly said...

I'm sure you're feeling anxious since you are around the same time as Janessa. I'll be praying for a little bit of peace to come your way.

Stephanie said...

I am right there with you. I KNOW the strain and stress you are feeling. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I so wish that this rainbow (for both of us) could be a focus of hope and happiness instead of fear and anxiety. We will make it day by day!

Sarita Boyette said...

You have a lot of bad memories around this time of pregnancy, so no wonder you are so sad. You are afraid to plan and that is certainly understandable. I have prayed many prayers that your Rainbow will be born healthy. I hope they work, along with others' prayers. One thing that I always notice with myself is getting depressed around the holidays, even after so many years. It comes out of nowhere, I don't even have to think about it.

Raquel said...

Hi Malory,
I found your blog after I loss my son Jeremiah on July 13 at 28 weeks due to HELLP syndrome. I have been reading it for the last couple of months and truly want to say thank you! Reading your feelings about the loss of your precious Janessa has helped me realize that everything I am feeling is normal. I want you to know that I am truly happy for the soon arrival of your new baby. It helps reading that there is hope on the road of this terrible journey. Stay strong and know that your beautiful angel is watching over you and protecting your new little man. Sending lots of hugs your way....Raquel

Once A Mother said...

oh malory,
this post resonates with me like no other. it is such an honest and true account of what pregnancy after loss is REALLY like.
I am praying for you. And for your baby to be here healthy and safe. Always, ALWAYS here for you if you need to vent to someone who gets it.
Just remember though. Remember the sign. Remember our sweet babies smiling down to us from the clouds. They are watching us (and their siblings) Mal. I truly believe that.

Always walking this journey with you xx
Kristin

Stacy Spuria said...

Wow! such torment! I feel so inadequate, but I wanted you to at least know that there are so many of us out here reading your blogs and praying for you and your family and the anticipation is very real to us as well. No where NEAR what you are going through but nevertheless, we are all anxiously awaiting your delivery too. And don't feel rushed getting things ready. You still have lots of time (almost 2 months?) What do you doctors say about all this stress? Have you told them? Is your blood pressure still good? Please keep blogging. It's a good release for you I think too.

Amanda said...

I wish you strength to get through this week, Mal. I know it won't be any easier after the 31 1/2 week mark either but each day brings you closer to bringing home your little boy healthy.

Mary said...

Praying that you have some moments of peace this week.

I know how you feel. Everyday I wake up and know that there are things that need to be done and just can't seem to get myself to do them.

Lisette said...

It is completely understandable why you are feeling this way. It is so hard to feel so much sadness and joy at the same time. I get it, I wish we didn't feel this way. I am praying that you are filled with peace in the next few weeks ((HUGS)).

Brad and Sarah said...

We pray for strength and optimism to make it through. Try to be strong not only for Janessa, but for the new arrival as well.
=-)

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