I've been struggling lately emotionally. Each and every day is a challenge to get through. I actually just vented to a fellow baby loss mama & real life friend about this a few days ago.
Half the time I cannot figure out the exact reason I am so upset. I have not been extremely pleasant to be around lately. I find myself in tears almost everyday. Showers full of tears, middle of the night sobs that I worry will wake my husband or son.
Since the second month of this pregnancy or so, I have been waking up each night and cannot fall back asleep. I make sure to have a bunch of shows dvr'd so I have something to occupy my time. What I quickly realized is that I was waking up at 4 am. Janessa was born at 4:24 am. Each and every night I am awake to bring in another brand new day without her.
Nothing seems very important to me except making sure I get this baby here healthy & alive. It makes any other task seem so minuscule! The weight of having this little baby's life in my hands suffocates me at times. I sometimes do not think people realize how tough each & every day is for me. Its emotionally draining. I tend to assume people think I must be so much better off now. I know there are some who understand and those who try.
Each day there are the intense moments where I suddenly notice I have not felt the baby move for a little while. They send me into panic mode. I prop myself down on the couch/bed & start prodding at him to make him move. I sometimes also do a kick count & when I am feeling very anxious will crack out the doppler to make sure his heartrate is at his normal reading. I also know that no matter what I do I cannot control other things from happening...there are moments when its all too much. I am grateful this pregnancy seems to have flown by. I contribute that too the reality that I am still living in a grief stricken world & time has taken on a new feeling. It blows my mind that in 6 months Janessa would have been 2 years old. Thats insane to me. It all feels like yesterday.
My life seems to be in standstill. My goal is getting to delivery day & everything else is on pause. I try so very hard to stay in the moment for my son but I struggle everyday. Its like I am waiting for our lives to start again. I do not like living this way.
I also can't seem to get motivated about anything. I have a to-do list a mile long and it all seems so daunting. Things around the house have been piling up & keeping house is at its bare minimum. Its definitely not up to my normal standards (which were too high anyway). I can't help but feel overwhelmed almost all day.
We have reached a point in this pregnancy where we should really have more done in preparations for this little boy. Its time to get in gear & that is overwhelming in itself. Everytime I do anything to prepare the thought in the back of my mind of "what if I'm doing this for nothing" creeps in. Its an ugly feeling. It takes all I have to stay positive.
I also worry so much about the mix of emotions that will come with this little one's birth. I know there are so many people that think that once he is born things will be better for us. His entrance will fill our lives with additional joy but he will not be our quick fix to heal our hearts of our daughter's absence. That cannot be fixed. I wonder how being in the hospital with another baby will affect our grief. Some has been worked through but I am sure will get stired up. I know our joy will overpower but there are the underlying emotions automatically attached now.
On top of that I am 31 weeks pregnant this weekend. Janessa passed away when I was 31 1/2 weeks. My stress level has been increasing by the day. The specific week I was in had nothing to do with the abruption but as I approach the time in her pregnancy where my body failed her I am so worried its going to do it again.
I have noticed that nothing around here shows anything past 31 weeks. My calendar is only marked weekly up to the 31 week mark. The kick count sheet is only filled out until week 31. I even made sure we had our maternity pictures done before I hit this pregnancy milestone. I tried to fill in the remaining weeks but couldn't get my hand to move. I have tried to stay as positive as possible. I have made alot of effort into making sure I enjoy this pregnancy in spite of the enormous amount of stress attached. But I cannot help but worry something will go wrong.
I am dreaming of the day we have this little one in our arms. Safe and sound. Alive.