Monday, November 1, 2010


If you entered my home you would never know there is a baby boy on the way. Besides my endless growing baby bump that is.

I have made a little progress in Janessa's room. I got as far as packing up all her clothes & girly items into bins. I boxed up the extra memorial service items and even have those up in the attic. I even steam cleaned the carpet months back & dusted the years worth of dust off everything. The rest just sits there. Still waiting for a baby girl to come & bring life to the space. Projects such as her toy box and her table & chair set sit half painted. Unfinished. Such as her life.

On the door of the closet hangs the one and only outfit & toy we have bought for this new baby. Its the only evidence he is on his way.

Baby shopping has not been easy. I seem to feel like I am suffocating when I am in the baby section of a store. I prefer shopping online. Just recently have I been able to go into a baby section and not feel as though someone is stabbing me in the chest. That is unless I happen to glance over at a pair of pink fluffy boots or an adorable little dress.

The ironic thing about my attachment to her room is it was never really her room. She was never physically in it. Well technically she was when she was safely wrapped up in my womb. But we never walked into our home with her in our arms for the 1st time and 'introduced' her to her room. But what that room holds in it is all of our dreams & excitement for her arrival. It represents the joyful time in our lives when all was right in our world. The room beautifully shows the preparations we were making for her entrance into our family. That room was created with so much love & anticipation. It is one more tie to our little girl. One more piece of evidence that she was here. That she existed.

Whats crazy is the room was also the setting for some of my most darkest moments. It has had more tears shed in there than imaginable. Its held a grieving mother on its floor in devastation, sobbing and screaming until exhaustion. I must have walked around the room hundred of times touching all of her items. Feeling all the soft plush girly items against my skin. Smelling her clothes to get the scent of the room which reminds me of how I felt while pregnant with Janessa.

The room never did take on a gloomy feeling.

I recently redesigned this blog. The design you see is the theme of Janessa's nursery. I know the time is coming where we will have to start making big changes in there. I wanted one more way to memorialize it.

I recently made a huge step on this road of pregnancy after loss. I chose a nursery design theme for the new baby. We even purchased the bedding. I failed at the first attempt back in August. Emotionally just couldn't handle it. About a month later I was able to attempt it again and found one I really liked. Doesn't sound like that big of deal to most and especially to those who have never had to come home to an empty nursery. In fact to most that step was one of the most exciting things they probably did while preparing for their baby on the way. For me it was HUGE and emotional. I had to allow myself to BELIEVE this baby boy is coming home. Alive. I allowed myself for the first time some excitement. Cautious excitement. It was scary but it also felt good. It reminded me of the joy I felt when expecting JJ and Janessa. Although I could never be that naively joyful again I will cherish the moments that the excitement creeps in.

I have been trying to get paint samples for the past 3 weeks. I have gone into the store about six times and have walked out without them. It seems once I am there I remember a bunch of other items I need but somehow manage to leave without the samples. I am not so sure it is completely a slip of the memory. I don't know what is going on. Subconsciously avoiding it? My husband even went with me last week and it was our sole purpose but yet we both left without them and didn't realize until we got home. Our goal this weekend is to pick out the colors...successfully.

On other news we seem to have narrowed down the name to two choices. I am not in love with either of them. Neither is my husband. I like them both. One of the names was one of our choices for a boy when we were pregnant with JJ and the other is the only boy name I liked before we knew Janessa was a girl. We can't seem to find one we both love and agree on.

The other day JJ came over to me and asked "Where is the baby name book? Thats it you guys have had your turn. I am going to find him a name". I laughed so hard. Then I realized how sad it was that even he knows at age seven that we should have a name picked out already!

Here he is looking for a name:

Another ENORMOUS step was creating a registry two weekends ago. I never did a registry while pregnant with Janessa. I was not entirely positive I would be having a second shower. I later found out that one was planned for us. I did have a small inkling though :) It was a surprise shower that was planned for Saturday, May 16th. That ended up being two days after Janessa passed away. We came home from the hospital that day empty handed and distraught to the very spot where there should have been a baby shower hosted just hours before. My mother used all the food she had prepped for the shower for Janessa's funeral the following Monday. Isn't that something.

I wasn't sure how I felt about having a baby shower this time around. I tossed the idea of maybe expressing my desire to have a 'meet and greet' shower after the baby was born. It wasn't until about a month ago that I started to feel that it wasn't fair to this baby not to allow hope & excitement of his arrival. There was shower for JJ and one planned for Janessa. I didn't want to have to explain to him when he was older why he attended his own baby shower. How would I explain that? "We weren't positive you would be coming home son...". I don't like those thoughts. I want to surround myself with some positivity. Some happiness.

Although the progress in preparations has been slow, I am hoping that in the weeks to come that will change. I love the moments my mind and heart allows me to dream of bringing him home. I love to picture JJ with his little brother. To think of the joy having another child around will bring to our lives. The love he will add to our home. I'm clinging to those moments of peace & positivity. Its what gets me through each and every day.


Susan said...

The preparations are sometimes killer. I can't tell you how many times I sat in front of open dresser drawers to take inventory of what we might still need...and I just stayed there staring at all of the pink and purple thinking about what should have been...and then feeling guilty for thinking that 'these are Gracie's clothes' as Jenna was busy growing inside me. There are 0-3 clothes that I have attempted to put on Jenna, but never do...because I bought them for Gracie. It's funny how so many people think that a rainbow pregnancy fixes everything; they don't give any thought to how difficult it is.

I love how you carried the theme from Janessa's room over into your blog design. It's fantastic...and incredibly insightful!

Thinking of you...glad that everything is going well with your bouncing boy so far!

Jen said...

I know its hard to make changes, to disturb thier things, I would do little bits at a time, just whatever you can handle...
As far as the shower, I can see both sides :) life after loss is never the same again, everything reuqires more thought.. whatever you choose to do will be perfect though! ((hugs))

I love the blog colors btw :) I am super sentimental with "Ella's colors" too..

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