As of 4:24 am this morning I am now farther along in this pregnancy than I ever was with Janessa. She passed away when I was 31 weeks 4 days & was born the following morning.
Yesterday it ran through my mind a few times early in the day. I thought to myself "If I was pregnant with Janessa right now she would only have a few hours left to live." I wondered how I would have felt knowing that. How if only I knew something wasn't right we could have saved her life. I went on about my day but as late afternoon came I caught myself glancing at the clock. I would think what I was doing at that time on the day of her death. Around 4 pm I was taking our son to his after school activity...At 5 we were heading home...This went on until 7 p.m. when I realized that this was around the time the abruption occurred. Around 8 we were at the hospital & since I am not really sure of what time everything happened I got a flood of random flashbacks. I thought of the nurses trying so desperately to find her heartbeat & them lying to me about her possibly being in a tough position. But they knew. I knew. I remember the doctor finally getting there to do the ultrasound. Seeing our daughter so very still on the screen. Looking at her heart, motionless. The doctor not speaking just looking at us and shaking her head "no". My husband sobbing in his chair. The pure shock I felt after. The physical pain. I don't talk about the abruption pain very much because it was truly indescribable. I can't find the words to do it justice. The rest of the night played through my mind as well. But that is nothing new. I still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night & have the flashbacks play before my eyes. I still have some residual effects of post traumatic stress syndrome. It almost destroyed me in the beginning. It continues to fade over time but can easily be summoned back.
I did not do this to myself on the one year anniversary of her death. I think it was because I was so preoccupied on planning for her memorial that weekend.
I have made it past this mile marker. Now what? Nothing has changed. I never really thought it would. I'm not in a safe zone. I never will be. No one ever is. I sometimes just cry because I am tired of the panic feeling. Tired of the worry, of the stress. Of the "what ifs?".
The baby has been somewhat "sluggish" these past few days. I lay down quite a bit & make sure he is doing ok. I constantly worry that something is wrong. I also know he is growing and from what I have read their movements due slow a bit. He was so active I was hoping that it wouldn't happen. He has been active enough to pass his kick counts but the stress toll its taking on me is huge. I wish I had some type of monitor strapped to my belly all day checking on him.
I have anywhere between 5 & 7 weeks left of this pregnancy. To the old me that would seem like nothing! To me now it feels like an eternity.