Friday, September 10, 2010

Silence

I have been quiet here. I’ve been shifting through the many layers of emotions & waves of grief and happiness that have consumed me. I have also been keeping myself extremely busy which I guess may be my escape from the heaviness.

I have slowly let go of the last string of the life I had envisioned in my head. The vision that began when we found out we were expecting Janessa. I feel redundant saying it yet again…saying how much we had planned out for our new family.

I had to let her go…not completely just physically…and with that went all those dreams and plans.

I cannot stress enough how having another child does not heal any of the pain from Janessa’s death. I knew going into another pregnancy not to expect some sudden healing. I had very real expectations of what laid ahead on the road of pregnancy after loss. I braced myself hard and carefully.

If I was to be honest and I have been here since the beginning, I would have to tell you that I held onto a piece of what could’ve been. I held onto a hope that we would be blessed again with a little girl. Not a girl to replace Janessa. Not a girl to magically make us better. I didn’t want to fill our void with another girl…I just wished for a second chance at having a daughter. I think what I wished for was a chance to witness something similar to what was stolen from us. To know what it was like to raise a little girl and experience all that comes with that. It’s hard to prepare for such a life changing event and then in minutes have it ripped away from you.

I guess I yearned for the chance to meet Janessa’s sister and maybe get a glimpse of her. Silly since I wouldn’t know whether or not that was happening. This is all so hard for me to put into words…

Janessa looked so much like JJ. The first few months after her passing I would stare at JJ while he slept, I sometimes still do. The similarities can at moments take my breath away. It is like receiving a glimpse of her again.

I read many blogs where there is little emphasis on the rainbow baby’s gender. I wonder if I am the only one struggling with these feelings of guilt for the yearning. I think what a horrible person some might think I am. I try not to let myself go there. These are my feelings and I own them. I have tried to own each one as they have come along. I beleive that is why I can get out of bed each morning.

I have taken these past couple weeks to soak in our new reality. I will not lie and say it has been easy but I will say that I have come to a peace. I find myself in daydreams of what having another baby will be like…and from habit sometimes it’s a little girl. I am still in adjustment mode. I honestly had no idea it would be such a process. But what has brought me peace is the excitement that has slowly crept in. Very cautiously crept in. I find myself picturing JJ with the little brother he always wanted and I can feel it… the hope, the joy, the anticipation. It’s familiar and yet completely different.

Tomorrow marks 22 weeks pregnant. There are days where I want to plan away and feel at peace a little. Then there are the days where I wonder if this baby will make it home.

I searched for nursery themes one day about a month ago & a few days ago attempted to shop at Babies R Us...which I can only describe as a fail. I may not be there yet but I am working my way to that spot. Currently I am focused on finding a name for him which has proven to be quite a task. I am looking forward to reaching the plain where I can start preparing for this little one’s arrival. This little boy who makes his presence so very known each day by beating me up from the inside. I am more in tune with this pregnancy than my other two. I spend time each day lying down feeling his movements. I know his favorite times of the day, where to best find his heart beat, which position to lay in that seems to be his favorite for him to do his flips. I have probably already spoken to this little one more than I had spoken to JJ or Janessa while carrying them. I have certainly poked this little guy more to get him to move when he is giving me a little scare. Poor kid lol.

In summary I have fallen in love…again.


9 comments:

Lisette said...

I love your honesty. I think what you have been feeling is so natural. Janessa can NEVER be replaced no matter what but I do understand what you mean about wanting to be a mommy to a little girl. It's hard to put into words but I get it. It's NOT wrong to feel that way. ((HUGS))

Dawn Brown said...

I have most definitely neglected telling my feelings on that aspect of a rainbow pregnancy. I'll probably make it a focus of a future blog - until then, let me sum up the other side of the gender issue...or the way I feel.

Having another boy after losing Brayden has been more than tough. Many times I've thought Brayden's name in my head when I've felt a kick, followed immediately by such overwhelming grief and guilt. I struggle knowing the differences between the two pregnancies. Sometimes, I forget what happened. I forget that this life I carry is new...not the one I lost. It's a horrible feeling.

Either gender we are blessed with is a trial for us to carry. Please don't feel badly for feeling the way you do. Either way, we've lost and gained and grieve...all over again.

Curls O Fred said...

I just posted about my hope for another little girl. I want that so much, but know I'd ultimately be ok with a boy. A healthy live baby. But those feelings are still there, as you've shared.

Thinking of you as you continue this journey. Much love.

Mary said...

Since getting married, I have always wanted to have a boy. And when I found out that we were having a boy I felt so blessed. Now that we are having our rainbow I have convinced myself that it will be a girl. But, like you, I would really love a chance to raise the boy I always wanted to have.

Sarita Boyette said...

After Meredith,I wanted a girl so badly. I wanted to have pink clothes and bows and dolls for her, all I had missed. When we had our son, I was a bit disappointed that he wasn't a girl (I didn't know his gender beforehand) but it didn't take long for that disappointment to disappear. I was just so happy he was alive and crying! But I do understand what you mean about wanting a girl.
Praying for peace for you always. xoxoxo

Jaime said...

I am so torn. We won't be finding out boy or girl until this babe is born and I am so anxious about how I will react one way or another. I cannot put into words how deeply fearful I am of what my reaction will be either way.

Part of me wants a little girl as I have 2 boys already and would love to have some pink in the house. The other part of me wants a little boy so that Claire can always be my little girl.

I know that either way I will be ecstatic to have another little babe join our family and whether boy or girl I am sure my emotions will be all over the place.

It is s tough spot to be in. I feel my reaction will be bittersweet no matter what and it, at times, overwhelms me as I want my birth experience to be positive and feel right now as though as happy as I will be, there will be a cloud covering me.

Does this even make sense?! I continue to struggle with these feelings and to find the proper way to convey them! I am sure you all understand...

Thank you for your honesty, Mallory.
xo

Jaime said...

Ooh, sorry! I added an extra "l" to your name! Pet peeve of mine when someone spells my name incorrectly!

Thanks Malory! ;)

Holly said...

I can assure you that before we found out Lainey was a little girl I longed for another girl very much. I wanted a girl so much that the thought of a boy devastated me. I wanted what I had lost. As we got closer to finding out I was better able to come to terms with having a boy but I still wanted a girl very much.

Stephanie said...

I know that everyone I knew and that knew me wanted my rainbow to be a girl, opposite of Vayden, they were all so worried about how I would deal with another boy, they all worried if it would hurt me too much. But I wanted another boy. Not to replace Vayden but when I found out Vayden was a boy and I wanted him to be a girl it took a few wks but then that was what I considered my perfect, so losing him was losing my perfect. Now that i'm having another boy I still feel incomplete. I still wish I never had to lose Vayden to get to my 3rd son. But I do understand what you mean, in not replacing your angel but possibly getting a small glimpse into what it would have been like with your angel. Rest assure you will get that with your new baby boy. I admire you for your honestly because not many ppl are able to do that, but know that you are not alone.

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