Thursday, August 12, 2010
The truth is I am wishing for a girl. I feel incredibly confused about that. I feel sad, angry, & ashamed. Please understand that what matters to me more than anything is that we have a healthy baby. One that is breathing & we will be able to leave the hospital with them in our arms. I am ashamed that after all we have been through with Janessa’s death that it could matter to me what the gender of this baby is.
What this all boils down to is I feel robbed. Robbed of my daughter. Robbed of her life, of the life we would have had together. I had so many plans in my head & heart as to what having a little girl would be like.
This will be our last pregnancy. Making the choice to go through a high risk pregnancy was a very hard decision. We know the risks and they scare me. I carry guilt for putting my health in risk when I already have an amazing child here who needs me. I do not think I could do this twice.
What I am afraid of is never knowing what it is like to have a daughter. If that comes true will I always look at little girls and feel my heart break?
This is all so confusing & it has taken a huge emotional toll on me. I feel that maybe in my heart having another little girl will spare me the extra heartache of redoing Janessa’s nursery & getting rid of all her little outfits she will never wear. The thought of doing those things is so painful.
I am not trying to replace Janessa. This baby cannot do that. That is not why I long for a girl. The above reasons are why. This baby already has to grow up knowing of their older siblings died. I do not want them to feel they are living in the shadow of the baby that came before them…the baby who is “perfect” because she can do no wrong. I will do everything I can to preserve Janessa’s memory & the love we have for her without giving this baby a complex about her.
When I was pregnant with our son I always knew I wanted to have a boy first. It was the way I envisioned my life & future family. I think I wanted a son first so he could “protect” his younger siblings, especially any sisters in the future. Before finding out if I was having a boy or girl I knew I had a longing for a boy but it didn’t consume my thoughts & I wouldn’t of been disappointed if it was girl. I didn’t feel guilty then about these feelings. Now I just have an enormous amount of emotions attached to this pregnancy.
With Janessa’s pregnancy I didn’t go in with any preference. A feeling came over me very quickly and I knew I was carrying a girl. Just knew it. We settled on her name but didn’t really bother choosing a definite boy name. When we found out it was a girl I was thrilled! I didn’t realize how much I wanted a daughter until I was told I was having one!
In the first couple months of this pregnancy I had two dreams that it was a boy. When I picture this baby in my day dreams I almost always envision a little girl. I do not know if I do this out of habit from Janessa’s pregnancy or if that is my feelings coming through. When people ask me what I think I am having I tell them this time I honestly don’t have a guess. I do not seem to have that mother’s instinct this time around. My heart is too clouded.
We find out the gender in 4 days. I will not be upset if this is a boy. All that matters is that this baby is healthy. That is why I find these feelings so hard to deal with. We already love this child. I love this baby individually. Girl or boy. I think any parent reading this will understand the unconditional love that starts during pregnancy. I think what scares me is the events that will have to take place if we must prepare for a boy. Preparing as if this baby will actually come home is already a challenge.
I will continue to work through this. I am not the first to go down this pregnancy after loss path & I know that I am not the only one who has struggled with the many confusing emotions that accompany it.
I almost didn’t write this post in fear of being judged. In fear of someone reading this and not understanding fully or at least not trying to understand the feelings I am struggling so desperately to portray. I still do not understand all of my own feelings on this matter. If this is a boy I do not want him to someday read this and feel as though I was disappointed or that I would have loved a girl more. NOTHING could be more far from the truth. My love grows each day & with each movement I feel from inside my womb.
I am so excited & nervous for Monday’s ultrasound. These almost 18 weeks have really flown by.