Thursday, August 12, 2010

Thinking Pink

I was almost too afraid to write this post. A part of me feels that if I put it down in writing then I will be acknowledging & validating these feelings I have been trying to deny.

The truth is I am wishing for a girl. I feel incredibly confused about that. I feel sad, angry, & ashamed. Please understand that what matters to me more than anything is that we have a healthy baby. One that is breathing & we will be able to leave the hospital with them in our arms. I am ashamed that after all we have been through with Janessa’s death that it could matter to me what the gender of this baby is.

What this all boils down to is I feel robbed. Robbed of my daughter. Robbed of her life, of the life we would have had together. I had so many plans in my head & heart as to what having a little girl would be like.

This will be our last pregnancy. Making the choice to go through a high risk pregnancy was a very hard decision. We know the risks and they scare me. I carry guilt for putting my health in risk when I already have an amazing child here who needs me. I do not think I could do this twice.

What I am afraid of is never knowing what it is like to have a daughter. If that comes true will I always look at little girls and feel my heart break?

This is all so confusing & it has taken a huge emotional toll on me. I feel that maybe in my heart having another little girl will spare me the extra heartache of redoing Janessa’s nursery & getting rid of all her little outfits she will never wear. The thought of doing those things is so painful.

I am not trying to replace Janessa. This baby cannot do that. That is not why I long for a girl. The above reasons are why. This baby already has to grow up knowing of their older siblings died. I do not want them to feel they are living in the shadow of the baby that came before them…the baby who is “perfect” because she can do no wrong. I will do everything I can to preserve Janessa’s memory & the love we have for her without giving this baby a complex about her.

When I was pregnant with our son I always knew I wanted to have a boy first. It was the way I envisioned my life & future family. I think I wanted a son first so he could “protect” his younger siblings, especially any sisters in the future. Before finding out if I was having a boy or girl I knew I had a longing for a boy but it didn’t consume my thoughts & I wouldn’t of been disappointed if it was girl. I didn’t feel guilty then about these feelings. Now I just have an enormous amount of emotions attached to this pregnancy.

With Janessa’s pregnancy I didn’t go in with any preference. A feeling came over me very quickly and I knew I was carrying a girl. Just knew it. We settled on her name but didn’t really bother choosing a definite boy name. When we found out it was a girl I was thrilled! I didn’t realize how much I wanted a daughter until I was told I was having one!

In the first couple months of this pregnancy I had two dreams that it was a boy. When I picture this baby in my day dreams I almost always envision a little girl. I do not know if I do this out of habit from Janessa’s pregnancy or if that is my feelings coming through. When people ask me what I think I am having I tell them this time I honestly don’t have a guess. I do not seem to have that mother’s instinct this time around. My heart is too clouded.

We find out the gender in 4 days. I will not be upset if this is a boy. All that matters is that this baby is healthy. That is why I find these feelings so hard to deal with. We already love this child. I love this baby individually. Girl or boy. I think any parent reading this will understand the unconditional love that starts during pregnancy. I think what scares me is the events that will have to take place if we must prepare for a boy. Preparing as if this baby will actually come home is already a challenge.

I will continue to work through this. I am not the first to go down this pregnancy after loss path & I know that I am not the only one who has struggled with the many confusing emotions that accompany it.

I almost didn’t write this post in fear of being judged. In fear of someone reading this and not understanding fully or at least not trying to understand the feelings I am struggling so desperately to portray. I still do not understand all of my own feelings on this matter. If this is a boy I do not want him to someday read this and feel as though I was disappointed or that I would have loved a girl more. NOTHING could be more far from the truth. My love grows each day & with each movement I feel from inside my womb.
I am so excited & nervous for Monday’s ultrasound. These almost 18 weeks have really flown by.


Lea said...

I totally understand where you are coming from and I think you are very brave to share your feelings... looking forward to hearing your good news.

Anonymous said...

I admire everything you have done and are going through..Your an inspiration to so many people.. I find myself reading your blog just to see how you are holding up, because I cant even imagine...God is on your side this time, I have so much faith for you and your family...No one can judge you, they have no right and have no idea what you are feeling...I think of you often as you were one of my brothers closest friends.. and your strength is inspirational... Continue to be positive, because you are doing an outrageous job at it...I am excited for Monday, for you.. I can only imagine how you are feeling... xoxo... your always in my thoughts.


Sarita Boyette said...

I certainly understand the way you feel. I wanted a girl so badly when Meredith was born. We didn't know her gender, because sonograms were not in common use then. We were ecstatic when she was born, but then she died, and I wanted another baby so badly , not to replace her, but to have a child of ours to love. Nearly 4 years later, Adam was born. I wanted a girl then, too, but when he was born, he was crying and breathing and we loved him so very much. I understand that your priority is a healthy baby, but a daughter would be a special treat. (((HUGS)))

Joanne said...

I totally understand where you are coming from... I too am on the verge of finding out of we are pink or blue... after loosing my son in November - my only little boy - i too feel robbed of the joy of a little man. Someone asked me only yesterday if i "minded" if it is a girl, this baby that I am carrying. And the only way I could answer truthfully is to say no, I really do not "mind" if this baby is a boy or girl. I do have longings for a baby boy, but I think it is because I just want my little boy here, he should be here while his younger sibling is being born. These emotions are so conflicting aren't they. I too feel the guilt. I hope that when you have your U/S and you do find out that everything goes well and that knowing brings you some calm. I think that is all we can hope for and that the emotions get worked through day by day. (((HUGS))

Stacy Spuria said...

Mal, Your honesty is very refreshing. It will help others who are going through what you have been through. You should never feel guilty about what you are feeling. You need to sort through everything. You are brave to do it publicly. I think every mother to be secretly wishes for a certain outcome. I know I did! No matter what, this baby will be welcomed into a loving family who will be genuinely happy to know her/him as an individual. Can't wait to find out what you are having! Much love!

Amanda said...

You are completely normal for thinking and feeling this way! Rob especially wanted a little girl to be his little princess. And now we wonder what we want. I mean, of course, we want a healthy baby but girl or boy? Part of me wants a girl to use all the things we had for Stella and to give Rob the girl he's always wanted. And part of me wants a boy, to have a completely different experience from Stella. So there is no comparison. I feel like my worrying so much about giving this baby a complex is going to give the baby a complex! Stay strong, Mal.

Jill said...

Hey Malory, Boy I did not expect to be crying this morning. I thought I may check blogs and yours is the first one I decided to visit. You are an amazing woman. I get your feelings so much! I think in this pregnancy as well, I "secretly" was hoping for a little girly, yet all I really care about is a healthy pregnancy and a baby to come home with. I thank you for posting this and sharing your thoughts, this is your blog, your feelings and no one can take that away from you. I can't wait to find out what you are having! :) Bless you Malory & I thank you for everything, for sharing little Janessa's life with us & your life. May you be blessed forever!

Mary said...

I am so there with your feelings. I am the opposite though. I am hoping for a girl because I am so afraid of another loss. I am hoping that if we get a girl things will go differently for us.

Just Breathe said...

I understand the need and desire, I am sure I would feel that way too. We all know that a healthy baby is all that you want. Don't worry about feeling that way.

Check out my Etsy Shop!