Monday, July 12, 2010

July 11th Has Come & Gone...Again

Janessa,

I miss you & love you beyond anything I could ever write down. You have become such a huge part of me. I am so sorry that things turned out the way they did. I would do anything to change it. I picture you a sweet little baby all dressed in white just like you were when we had you in our arms. I wish you were here running around driving your brother crazy. I wish we could hear your giggles & see your smiles. I wish I could hug & kiss you again. I wish…I wish so much for you. Just know I love you & I find that love growing just as it would if you were here. Promise me that if you do grow up where you are you will stay little for me. Mommy loves you sweet angel.
_________________________________________________

This day has come & gone twice now since we lost Janessa. The day she was due to join our family. I should be planning a first birthday that would have been held this weekend or maybe next, depending on when she would have made her entrance.

I thought I was doing ok this day. But when I look back on the day I see how I dealt. I woke up bitchy. I blamed it on the pregnancy hormones. I nagged & bitched the entire day. Besides a little batch of nausea in the morning I cleaned & scrubbed my house from top to bottom. I thought I had just finally got some energy back but I know I was just trying to stay busy. I was using the fuel from my pain. Cleaning has always been what I do when I was upset. I wasn’t bitchy from hormones, although I am sure that compounded it, I was bitchy because I don’t have her here with me. Instead of a birthday dress & cake she lays in cemetery. That is the blunt truth. She is dead. Its all so final now.

We have attended a few annual events/celebrations two times now since her death. At the function I think to myself that this is the second time we have been here as an incomplete family. Its hard to believe this much time has passed already. She is such a part of every moment of my day that time is warped to me. It feels so long & short at the same time.

I was talking to a friend this weekend who also lost a child. We discussed how our lives are split into two eras now. Before we lost our child and after we lost our child. We spoke about how we are two completely different people now. I couldn’t go back to that person now if I tried. We mentioned how some friends and family members get left in the first era. I am trying so very hard to resolve my feelings with that.

I think back over the past year & I see tears. More tears than I ever imagined possible. I have cried almost everyday for over a year. There has been so many tear drops that have fallen on this keyboard I am surprised it still works. Up until about March the skin under my eyes still felt raw & irritated. The small scabs that had formed from the continuous wiping had finally healed but the skin was so very thin. Even washing my face with soap would burn the area. I would dread putting on lotion & makeup because it would sting. Time does heal wounds but it definitely doesn’t heal all wounds like they say.

I remember taking drives by myself during the first 6 months after Janessa died. Those were few moments I would find myself alone. The tears always flowed so profusely in the car. My mind would race with all the thoughts that have been building. The pain always seemed a tad more intense without any distractions. I remember thinking of ways I could make the pain stop. I remember envisioning finding a wall and driving right into it. Would I have ever done that? NEVER. EVER. But I would just imagine not having to feel this pain. Losing your child brings you into the deepest darkest places you could ever imagine. I would try & remember what feeling “normal” felt like and I could not. I still cannot.

The one thing that has helped me through was still being able to see all that I had to live for. I may have lost my daughter but I still have so much. I am grateful to have never lost that perspective.

I will continue pushing on, living on. I will do my best at living a good life & being the best person I can. One that she can be proud to look down on and call her mommy. I will work on making it to where my beautiful girl is so we can one day be together.
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Today also marks 9 years since I lost a great friend. This day will always be a tough one. I think of you so often Nick, you were definitely one of a kind. The years are just flying by.



5 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I can't believe how many people have been left behind in the before loss era. Some is my fault and some is their fault. *hugs*

Once A Mother said...

I know I told you this on FB, but it is so true Mal. She has such a beautiful and permanent place in my heart. Knowing you, I know her, and I know that on days like these, the hard days, as well as every day, she is up in the clouds like she was on IBLMD looking down over you and smiling. Just as your love for her continues on, as does hers for you.
Sending you my love and support as well.
xx
Kristin

*Laura Angel said...

<3 hugs!

Stacy Spuria said...

Mal,
That part you wrote about a different era and certain ppl. are left behind there is so inciteful...I think that since you started this blog I've learned so much about the pain of losing a child. You've definately helped me to be thankful for what I have. I'm greatful to you. It's so hard for me (and I'm sure a lot of others) who are the "type" to want to make everything better for their loved ones, but this isn't something I can take away for you. That has been a huge lesson for me too. I feel lost sometimes. Wishing I could be a bigger help. Please know you are loved by more ppl. than you are aware of. *hugs*

Mary said...

It makes me feel so sad when I think about those I considered so close to me and now there isn't even a hello from them. I was just thinking about that the other day. I can't remember when I had an actual conversation with some of my "friends".

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