I Can - (A Shared Post)

"I’ve noticed that some people disappear....some people don’t and those bonds and friendships grow stronger. It is a sad truth, often we don’t just lose our loved one, there is more loss and destruction as the journey unfolds." - Tear Soup

I wanted to share this amazing post. Kristin from Never Better wrote the poem below & it struck me so deeply. So very much of this post portrays so many of my feelings. It was written with so much pain & beauty. As some of you who read this know, on this journey of grief we sometimes lose more than just our loved one. Especially with the death of a child, sometimes friends & family members run for the hills. We are then left to grieve not only for our child but for the relationships/friendships that have vanished as well. Some do this out of the fear. "If this can happen to you it could happen to me & I just can't think about that." Some do this because grief is unpleasant to be around. When they see the storm clouds come rolling in they go looking for sunshine elsewhere. Some do this because they have somehow diminished the loss of the child. Its easier for them to think our loss isn't as deep & painful if an older child passed. Having never lost a child I am sure this is easy for them to do & makes it easier for them to deal with. There are many reasons friends & family dissapear. Some reasons I cannot even fathom. Some do not mean to bring extra pain & heartache to the family but those are some consequences of what happens when people choose to protect their own comfort level & feelings over their loved ones grief & pain.

Unfortunately we have been deeply hurt along this journey but we have also been picked up & carried. Thank you to those who have grabbed your umbrella & weathered the storm with us. It is those people who are the reason I am still pushing on.

I CAN

I can do
what I thought I couldn't do
I can keep my composure
when I have to see you

I can be
what I need to be
even though
you weren't there for me

the anger still burns
but not for revenge
only for justice
we are no longer friends

I can live
my life without you in it
even though
I may have to see you for a minute

I can live without you
I can go on
I can muster up courage to survive
even though you are gone

I can thrive
without you in my life
I can continue to be
what I need to be amidst the strife

the conflict inside
of how you could leave me in my deepest sorrow
to go on with your normal life
to face your tomorrows

without me
it was your choice
but I still can
speak with this voice

I don't like what you did
I hate it in fact
you had no couth
no style or tact

you simply left
with no explanation
so now I declare
this proclamation:

"I can!
I can!
I can!
live without you!

and still act like a lady when I have to see you
I can still raise my head high
I can still live my life
without you!"
but what I can't do
is live without my precious children
that is what is killing me. 
 
(c) Kristin Arcilla 2010