Thursday, June 17, 2010

Our Little Secret

We found out on May 5th that we are expecting! I am 9 weeks & due Jan 14th-18th. Still waiting on a definite due date. Here is a pic of an ultrasound we had done when I was measuring 5 weeks 6 days.


I woke up spotting old blood & they had me come in to check everything. We were relieved to see the heartbeat. I spotted for a week & a half but then stopped. I had not spotted with my son or Janessa so I was worried.

We waited until I was 6 weeks to share the news. Partly because we needed some time to soak it in & mostly because Janessa's memorial service was coming up. We were afraid that we would recieve well intended but misguided comments..."Well now you have another one on the way."..etc. We didn't want the pregnancy to take away from the meaning of Janessa's service. Our biggest fear is that people will think we are "all better" now. This pregnancy has no effect on our feelings towards Janessa's death. It doesn't make it less painful. It doesn't take away the everyday emotions of not having her here. Our sun is not magically shining now. Those who have stayed clear of us this past year have already started coming back around & that is extremely difficult to deal with on top of the flood of emotions we are dealing with.

We are waiting until after our 12 week ultrasound to share the news with our son. Although I have never had a miscarriage before we are staying on the cautious side in case we could save him from the fallout if that was to happen. We are trying to be positive & excited but we are scared.

At my first nurse visit the first week of June my blood pressure was high. 140/82. I was extremely upset at the reading. Honestly it scares me so very much. Scares me that we'll lose this baby & for my own health. I did have to fill out paperwork & info regarding Janessa right before they took my blood pressure. I may have what they call "white coat syndrome" where the docs makes my anxiety go up therefore increasing my blood pressure. I am getting a cup to keep at home to check daily & if need be they will increase my medication. That was a tough day emotionally for me. It was a taste of what we will be dealing with for the duration of the pregnancy.

I have my next appointment on Tuesday & this will be the 1st one with the doctor. Looking forward to getting some answers & having some "plan" for the pregnancy.

Morning sickness has always been cruel to me & I have had my share. Compared to my last two I shouldn't complain but its just awful! lol

I am debating if I will continue to post my pregnancy blog posts here or if I will create a seperate pregnancy blog. I may turn this one into a blog about our life after loss in general instead of splitting up the posts. Still unsure.

I have read so many posts about rainbow babies on the way. Congrats to all the mommies expecting. I am glad we will have each other on this journey. I am also thankful for the ones who have been down this road ahead of me. I will need your support.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those who are not familiar with what a rainbow baby is I will explain with a little help from Susan at A Rainbow on the Horizon.

A rainbow baby is a bay who is born after a parent loses a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death.

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.


18 comments:

Once A Mother said...

such wonderful news malory! i am so happy for you and your sweet little rainbow.

Jaime said...

Ahh, congratulations, Malory!

xo

The Blue Sparrow said...

Yay!!! Congrats Malory! I will keep you and your new little blessing in my prayers! *HUGS*

Just Breathe said...

Malory, this is beautiful news and I will keep your little one in my prayers. Congratulations!!!

Elizabeth said...

I am very happy for you. I do know how difficult it can be though going through pregnancy after loss and dealing with all those "people" who think another baby cures everything. I think you should just keep on writing here. It's not possible to separate grief from joy when they are so entwined. My prayers are with you. *hugs*

Mary said...

Tears of joy fill my eyes for you. Congratulations Mallory.

Emily said...

Congratulations, Malory! That's amazing news! We'll keep you and your rainbow in our prayers!

Franchesca said...

So happy for you Malory!!!

Stacy Spuria said...

What a beautiful quote at the end of this post...such an apt way of putting this pain into perspective. You can never forget the difficulties, but thankfully, there is beauty there too! We'll be praying for you and all of your family. Congrats!

Jen said...

that is so wonderful :) congrats!!

Jill said...

Such great news! Congratulations. xo

Jessica said...

absolutely wonderful news *hugs*

Denise said...

So happy for you and your family, Mal... try not to worry (I know...easier said than done). Although God does not create our pain, He does walk with us through it... and He always blesses us with gifts that allow us to live with our challenges. Enjoy your gift. xoxoxo

Lisette said...

Continue to have faith that everything will work out for you. I am praying that your morning sickness goes away soon and that you get to enjoy this new journey that you are on. Janessa is never far away. Always thinking of you, ((HUGS))
oh yes, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Betty said...

Awww congrats. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this journey. (((Hugs)))

Luke's Mommy said...

Your news brings tears to my eyes!! I have thought about you so much over the last fews months and am so overjoyed to hear of your little rainbow. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I know this little rainbow will bring you some much needed comfort. Take care my friend and do keep us all posted. :)
Sarah

Holly said...

Oh so happy to hear the good news! I pray for everything to go ok for you and this little one!

crystal theresa said...

i have been away from blogland for much too long! congratulations on this wonderful news, malory! i am sending prayers for you and your little one! ((hugs))

Check out my Etsy Shop!