Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day 2010

This was me May 9th of last year. This would be the last picture I took pregnant.


I was exactly 31 weeks pregnant. I took this pic right before we left to attend a friend's wedding. I was incredibly happy. Life was blissful. We were living our life with our amazing son. We had finally married the October prior after being together 10 years. I became a stay at home mom. We may have not owned our home but it felt pretty close & all we needed was the darn white picket fence.

The following day was Mother's Day. I recieved breakfast in bed with my big old belly & JJ ate his with me. My husband put a pink carnation on the tray that he brought in the room. That flower now sits in Janessa's memorial curio case in the living room. It represents the only Mother's Day she will ever spend here with me.

If you would have told me then that in four days my little girl's heart would stop beating and that next year on this day I would be planning my daughter's memorial service instead of celebrating my first Mother's Day as mom of 2, I'm not sure what I would have done or said. I can see the horror in my mind. All I know is I look at this picture & I see a smile that my face can no longer seem to form the same. I see eyes that are sparkling with happiness, joy & excitement & I know my eyes could never light up that way again.

I see a woman who has been lost forever & I long for her & that life with all my heart today.

I had a peaceful day today. My husband made breakfast & we had a great lunch with my Mother. I feel blessed to be a mom to our son & that I have an amazing mother in my life.

There will always be a tug on my heart on days such as these. Another reminder that another year has passed that I did not spend with all my children here with me.

I hope everyone had an amazing day. To those moms who may have lost their only child I hope today was peaceful and gentle to you. I have kept so many of you close in my heart & thoughts today.

14 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Happy mother's day. God bless. *hugs*

*Laura Angel said...

Happy Mothers Day to you sweetie!

Joanne said...

This bought tears to my ears - I know exactly how you feel going through the same :( It is so unfair and your smile never comes back the same does it - I can count on one hand the number of times I have smiled since I lost my son. Hugs to you and God bless xxxxx

Bree said...

You were a beautiful pregnant woman. I'm so sorry Janessa wasn't here to share another Mother's Day with you. xo

Jessica said...

*hugs* Thinking of you and Janessa

Once A Mother said...

your words "All I know is I look at this picture & I see a smile that my face can no longer seem to form the same. I see eyes that are sparkling with happiness, joy & excitement & I know my eyes could never light up that way again." break my heart. I know just what you mean. I have been wondering how this could have happened, to you, me, any of us. I think we will always wonder. Sending love your way as Janessa's memorial approaches. xx

Stephanie said...

You are georgeous! Happy Mother's Day...wish Janessa was here.

With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) thinking of you and Janessa.

Robin said...

You took the words right out of my mouth... May 13, 2003 was the day my sweet angel got her wing. She was my first child after almost 2 years of infertility treatments and 2 miscarriages. This year seems to have been the hardest in a long time. I feel like I'm in shock all over again. I was looking for a new poem to post for her birthday tomorrow when I came across your page. I cried as I watched Janessa's video. I've told Alyvia's story countless times over the last 7 years, but as you've mentioned, I'm always hesitant to share her pics. She was born at 27w 4d & 1 lb 9.5 oz. She was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen! I could tell on the ultrasounds before I even knew the sex of my second child that his features favored his older sister and when he was born he was just beautiful as she had been. Thankfully he was healthy. He's only 3 yrs old now, but he knows all about his sister in Heaven. We are planning a small, private memorial for her birthday tomorrow. My thoughts and prayers will be with you on Friday as you celebrate your daughter's first birthday in Heaven; I still remember how painful that was... Thank You for sharing your daughter's story.
Robin S.

Franchesca said...

Thinking of you, Malory on your baby girl's first birthday in Heaven. XOXO

Happy First Birthday in Heaven, Janessa Marie!

With Out My Punkin said...

Happy birthday to sweet Janessa ((hugs))

The Blue Sparrow said...

Just stopping by to wish Janessa a very Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday! Thinking of you! *HUGS*

elena said...

Happy first birthday Janessa! I am thinking of your mom and your family this day. *hug* to you Malory.

love and prayers
elena

Mattie said...

I hope Janessa's day was filled with love, peace and comfort.

Hugs!

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