May 13th marked one year since the day our little girl’s heart stopped beating. It was a very emotional day. I was doing well until I had an upsetting phone call that triggered my emotions and floods of tears. I was still in planning mode for her memorial service so I had to push on through the day.
I still had not found an outfit for her service. I had requested everyone to wear bright colors & no funeral attire. I had been crying all day & the thought of shopping alone felt daunting. I called one of my best friends & she came along. I knew if I had someone with me the tears would not flow as freely. While I waited for her I went to visit Janessa. I brought her another solar light & I hope this one is not taken. I also brought a beautiful butterfly my mom had picked up for her. I pulled out the journal my dear friend Meli had given me to write letters to Janessa. I keep in my car so I can pull it out on days I find myself there with the urge to write. It feels good to sit there & write to her. I was also pleased to see the grass has started to grow in front of her plot. I had not been visiting her as much as usual in the past month or so due to all the planning I have been doing. I realized I had been wearing out the ground & now it had some time to grow in. I had snapped this a little bit before Easter of her plot. I am glad it no longer looks like this.
You can tell where I sit. It looks so much better now that I have given it a chance to grow.
Friday was May 14th. It was Janessa’s first heavenly birthday. It marked one year that we have held in her in our arms & gazed at her pretty little face. Its strange how quickly this past year has gone by. I guess grief can really warp your sense of time. My husband took the day off to help me do all the last minute details for her service the following day. Although I was unable to fully take in the day for what it was, being so busy, the service was worth it to me. We tied up the loose ends & managed to make it to the cemetery at dusk. We brought her a cupcake with #1 candle on it & one of the butterflies that had arrived for her service. We sang happy birthday to her & let the butterfly go.
We also sent her up birthday balloons & left one for her grave. I can only imagine how beautiful her birthday was up there. I hope she received our balloons & felt the love we were sending up to her that day.
I had been silent on here & face book over those 2 days. It was all too painful. I appreciate everyone who remembered those special days & sent us love either through my blog or facebook. Those messages helped me make it through a little easier.