Monday, January 11, 2010

Lips of Truth Part 2

Sunday morning our son is sitting at the island counter in our kitchen making creepy crawlers. My husband & I are lying in bed watching a movie. The distance between us & JJ is about 15 feet & I have a straight view of him. He then calls out to me…

“Mom, Do you know what I just thought to myself? If Janessa was here with us we would be a happy family.”

A moment passes.

“Mom?” He asks.

“Yes baby I heard you.” I reply.

I don’t find myself at a loss for words very often & even when I do I am pretty good at improvising for the required moment. This time however I was struck with a sinking feeling in my chest & stomach & an overwhelming rush of emotions & racing thoughts.

Does he does not think we are a happy family?... We are happy aren’t we? ...We used to be so happy... I thought we were doing a pretty good at “being” happy... I know he knows were sad but does he really know how very sad?...Is he going to grow up & think happiness left the day Janessa did?...I’m failing..I’m a failure...I failed Janessa & now I am failing JJ...Why can’t I respond?...Why can’t I speak?...What do I say?

This is one of "those" moments & I am frozen. Frozen with sadness, shock, pain...& failure.

It takes me 10 minutes but I clean the tears from my face & pull myself together & go into the kitchen to help him with his toy.
“JJ, do you not think we are happy?” I ask.

“We are a happy family. If Janessa was here we would be a happy happy family. Two happys for two kids. I just wish Janessa was here with us in our house. She could be watching me make these with us.” He replies.

“Yes JJ, that would be very nice. Please know baby that we are very happy. You make Daddy & I very happy.” I tell him.

A few moments later in his bedroom…

I continue…“I know that Daddy & I seem sad & that’s because we too miss Janessa. Just know that things will get better, I promise. It is just going to take a little time.”

“Ok Mom.” He says.

“And please know that Daddy & I are very happy that we have our little family. Janessa will always be a part of our family. She will be heaven watching us for our lives. We have a part of us now in heaven.” I tell him.

“I wonder what heaven looks like Mom.” He asks.

“Beautiful baby…just beautiful.”


13 comments:

Missing Kasey said...

Your son is precious and that post brought tears to my eyes. You are not doing anything wrong, you did not fail your family either!! ((hugs))

Nicolle

Kim Golinski said...

Mal - You have such an amazingly compassionate boy on your hands! The fact that he recognizes the need for sympathy at his age just shows that you and Jonathan have done a phenomenal job raising him.

Your family is always in my thoughts.

~Kim

caitsmom said...

Wow, a beautiful painful story. Thanks for sharing. I admire your ability to acknowledge your sadness with your living child about the death of his sibling. I can't imagine, and can only guess how wonderful it was that you aimed to help him feel and understand that there is happiness in your family. I hope it's OK that I say that. I'm thinking that bereaved parents understand that happy lives with sorrow--rather than either or. Peace.

Elizabeth said...

Though it was hard to find the words you did a great job at explaining things to him and having him talk openly with you. You are a great mom and you are doing wonderfully. Keep your chin up. *hugs*

Betty said...

I am at a loss for words. I can't even imagine. you got a very smart thoughtful little boy on your hands.

hugs

Christy said...

Your little boy is wise beyond his years....and yes, noticing things that most adults will overlook. Let his youth and his innocense take care of you...he is doing that in his own way. He is taking care of you and maybe it's Janessa doing it through him. You are doing all you can do...all anyone would ever expect of you. You love him with your whole heart (what's left of it) and he knows that. You are a great mom.

Holly said...

You did a great job talking to him and explaining things. Sometimes I wish we could have innocent thinking like children.

Karen said...

It's so hard, isn't it? I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, not comforting my older children in just the right way. I think you handled your son's comment so well, with such gentle understanding and such great love. xo

Mary said...

Watching our children grieve is almost more painful than grieving ourselves. But you are being such a wonderful mother, walking truthfully side by side with him. He will learn how to love and grieve at the same time, from your honest example.

The Bilslands said...

wow... that brought tears to my eyes... it is one of the hardest things; just picturing the boys playing with their little sister always makes me lose it... I think you explained it very well to your son, and don't doubt yourself as a mom~ you are doing a great job through extremely difficult circumstances! =)

Love and Prayers, Lily

Lea said...

JJ sounds wise beyond his years. Our K is especially like that. Very sensitive. Very intuitive. We had an 'episode' the other night with him... another of many where he is in hysterics about missing his baby brother. It takes a lot out of all us....

Sounds like you handled the situation brilliantly.

xo

Jessica said...

JJ is amazing. You are doing a great job with him. Give yourself a hug because you deserve it.

Once A Mother said...

Oh Malory, I can only imagine how difficult it is to see JJ grieving and trying to make sense of the loss of his sweet sister. Praying for you all to find comfort and healing.

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