Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting - October

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are.

Where are you at in your grief?

Honestly I have put off doing this month’s meeting because I do not know if I can even answer these questions. I have no idea where I am at in my grief because each day is so very different for me.

Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby?

I am almost at the six month mark. That blows my mind. Some days it feels like yesterday she was in my arms. Other days it feels like a lifetime ago. I miss her so very much.

How are you feeling?

I am confused at how I feel. These past six months have been treacherous. I have recently come out of a very very dark place. I am thankful I am not there anymore. I am terrified at any turn of the corner I will be right back there. As far as how I feel…I think I am once again starting to feel that “numb” feeling. I know that the raw gut wrenching stabbing pain in my chest is finally gone. It has been replaced by a dull sting. At a moments notice it can return for a short while but then fades. I feel we have just started to find a new normal….whatever that saying means. Sleep has returned for me. Nightmares have lessened to maybe one a week but that also means I am not dreaming of Janessa.

How do you hope you will feel in the future?

I am so scared to think I am going to carry this sadness for the rest of my life. I am scared that I will not feel pure joy again. How can I? How is that possible? I buried my daughter. She died. When I type those words it still takes my breath away. When I laugh Janessa pops into my mind. Everything we do reminds me how Janessa should be with us. I know things will get better in the future…I have to believe that to keep going.

Have you found any peace at all?

I have accepted that I cannot change what happened. Janessa is gone. I am still having a terrible time coming to terms with the things I could’ve done to save her. Little things I may have overlooked. I am killing myself with guilt. So I guess I would have to say that, No I have not found peace yet. I hope for that one day. I will continue to work towards that.

This post is a mess…sorry.
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Akul's mama said...

Hugsssss Malory. This is a hard post. I would never be able to answer these questions. What I feel or how my next day will be is still a mystery - 9 months after I lost my son. Life gets lighter for a few minutes, but the dark clouds are forever on the horizon.

Jen said...

Malory~ I think as a whole, we are a mess..we've said goodbye to our daughters, why wouldn't we be? so it makes sense that our posts about such topics are.. (although I thought your post was perfect) I worry too about not ever feeling joy, about carrying this hurt everywhere I go.. hugs!

Malory said...

I think as I read my post that I just felt like a mess more than anything. I feel so out of sync with everything. I know you understand.

Jill said...

I too am confused as to how I feel at times. It scares me as well to think we will carry this sadness for the rest of our lives. I think there will always be some sort of an empty feeling as we go on without our angels. I am hoping that we all find some peace in the future. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Malory *hugs* I can only imagine how it felt to answer these questions. They are not easy questions. You are right. I think we will all have some degree of sadness for the rest of our lives. How can we not? One of our children is no longer with us.

Missing Kasey said...

Malory I think that is the grieving process road, one day we can feel ok and the next is terrible. I also feel the same way about being sad the rest of my life, and wondering why were our children taken from us?

Franchesca Cox said...

It is hard to know where we are in this grief. I hope and pray you find peace. I am right there with you, Malory.


Bree said...

I hope you find some peace too, Malory. I've been wanting to participate in this month's meeting. I've just lacked the motivation and feel that most days my thoughts aren't even coherent. Hang in there!

Holly said...

It's hard to say where you're at because things can change in an instant. I may say I'm great one day but the next day things could be terrible. (((hugs)))

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