Friday, November 13, 2009

Bah Hum Bug

Is anyone else dreading Christmas? The sight of Christmas lights and decorations make my stomach hurt. I wish I could skip over the holidays this year.

My mind goes to how we would have a seven month old or a 5 month old if she was born when she was due. I dreamt last Christmas when I was pregnant with Janessa how much fun it would to shop for two kids. I was soooo excited! When I found out it was a girl in February I was even more excited because I got to now have a chance to buy all the girly toys. I already started to look up doll houses and would walk through the girl toy aisles at the stores and picture her playing with those items. I would dream about how cute her room would be with all the girly items. I even purchased a play kitchen for her already! LOL isn’t that crazy! It was my favorite toy as a little girl and I had fell in love with a certain one. I found it more than half off at a store andjust had to have it!

It sits in my attic. I planned on setting it up in her room from the start or maybe even saving it for her 2nd Christmas. I plan ahead. Let’s rephrase that….I used to plan ahead. That’s before I knew that babies died. That there is no guarantee in pregnancy. You won’t catch me planning next time around.

My husband is so excited about Christmas. It is mainly because his brother and family are coming up for the holidays. I am also excited to see them, I miss them so very much. I am excited to meet our new little nephew who will be 9 months old then. It will be hard being around a baby when ours is missing. I cannot hide that fact. But we love him and look forward to finally meeting him.

I am not however excited for the holidays. This is not how its suppose to be.

The only thing I have been thinking about is finding the perfect ornament in memory of Janessa for our tree. I am going to start searching this weekend online. I have not found anything in the stores.

Every year I am always excited for the Saturday after Thanksgiving. That is the day we ALWAYS put up our tree and other decorations. I’m not sure I really want to do that. Seriously…I don’t have any interest in any of it. I will however go through the motions for my son. I will put a smile on my face and pull out from the depth of my soul some excitement for him. I will not let my grief ruin his Christmas.

But under my mask I will be wilting.
 
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13 comments:

Cristin said...

Malory you put my thoughts into words so well tonight. I am feeling the same way about the holidays. I so wish we could just pack up and go away next weekend through the new year. Go somewhere that it isn't Christmas. But I too have a son depending on me to give him the magic of Christmas. So I too will put on the happy mommy mask. Know you aren't alone.

Jessica said...

Malory, its funny. I have started shopping, but I feel like I am going through the motions. I should be getting ready to give birth to Jonathan and he should be with us at Christmas time. Christmastime is going to so emotional for all of us dbm's this year. *huge Hugs*

Susan said...

I am also not looking forward to it. During last night's NFL game, one of the new Kay Jeweler commercials ran - it was a husband and wife celebrating their first Christmas with their new baby. As is typical, Jeff was asleep in his chair instead of watching the game, and he did not see the commercial. I mentioned it to him later that I didn't like the commercial, and told him that he would know it when he saw it. I wanted to throw something at the television. I had difficulty with Halloween, so I know that Christmas will be difficult. I had already purchased some holiday clothing and had some rough ideas about what I wanted to put under the tree. It's also going to be difficult since we found out that we were pregnant right before Christmas last year. Perhaps we should all get together in Aruba or somewhere else that is warm and sunny and have a big beach party to celebrate our babies instead of Christmas this year!

Christy said...

I have been dreading these holidays, too. For what is not...As dearly as I want to embrace them, it's so hard. So I have chosen to celebrate in special ways. For myself, for the kids, for Chase. We are doing a separate tree just for him. I bought all blue ornaments, a tree skirt I'm having embroidered, some ribbon....I'm not sure what all I will do but then I want to take our picture with it and send it for our Christmas cards. I THINK. At least that's what is going on in my head. But it stsarted wtih a tiny ornament I bought about a month ago for him...I hope you find what you are looking for. I wish I could give you a hug, too.
Thinking of you, Malory...
Christy

Jen said...

I was crying about it last night..my family doesn't have many small children, but my husbands does.. I can just imagine her running and playing with them.. I wish I could just disappear from about now til, Well..til I feel better.. I have tons of toys in Ella's room, all still in boxes, even her first cabbage patch doll.. its so much..sending hugs!

The Blue Sparrow said...

Youre so not alone in dreading the holidays. I just keep thinking about what should have been and how much I am missing. I boughts several ordaments for Bryston for our tree this year, I wanted to include him in the holidays and let him know that he's not forgotten. I bought baby's 1st Christmas 2009 one and a picture frame one as well. I am still looking for the ones that have that saying about spending Christmas with Jesus this year but Im hoping to find one soon. *HUGS*

Holly said...

Christmas is such a hard season. There should be so much joy but when you lose your baby pain can easily replace that joy. :(

Holly said...

I have a photo for you. Email me caring4carleigh@yahoo.com with subject Janessa. Thanks

Akul's mama said...

What was supposed to be such a happy time is now a time to tread!1

Tina said...

I would love to just skip over the next few months. However for my living children I will celebrate the holidays and be thankful for all of my babies. xx

Once A Mother said...

The holidays make me just want to hide. I understand how you are feeling.

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) I understand how you are feeling!

SadMommy3434 said...

Malory I feel the exact same way. I dreaded Christmas last year and it seems to be worse this year. But I've somehow got to hold it together for my girls (T's bday is a day before Cylas').

But if I could walk around and say Bah Hum Bug I would.

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