Fake it 'til I Make it

Thank you to all who came yesterday to JJ's birthday party. We needed a distraction. We had decided very early on that we would still hold his party. He was looking forward to it and it didn't seem right to cancel it. He has been through a lot more than what I think any six year old should have to deal with. With Janessa's passing, we feel even more grateful to be able to celebrate our son's life on his birthday. We have been blessed with such an amazing little boy. He has really kept me going through all of this. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't get out of bed each morning. My husband has been so strong through his own pain and grief, and without him I could not function. To see him hurting like he is kills me. I hope he knows he doesn't need to be strong.

Yesterday, while we were setting up for the party, our neighbor came out to say hello. He asked how I was doing and I replied, "I am going through the motions." He said, "you can fake it 'til you make it." I realized right then that is what I have been doing. I am not okay. We are not okay.

There were moments at the party (and each day) where I didn't think I would make it through the day. Every smile felt forced and each laugh seemed to hurt. There is not much I will not do for my child so I pulled myself together to host this party for him. I am glad I did, but this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. He keeps telling us how much he loved his party and the other kids seem to have had fun. For that I am grateful. So again, thank you to those who came and helped.

For now I will continue to "fake it 'til I make it" when I need to for my son's sake. But I will not pretend that we are doing well. We are falling apart. There will be moments when I will have to be strong and fake my composure until I make it, but make it to what? That, I have no idea...I know the person I was before is forever gone...

We will have to rebuild ourselves, and our lives.